This has been bothering me for some time and for the past four days, I have been confined to my house, especially my couch, so I have plenty of time to dwell on this without the distractions of work and life.
I have a couple of friends that I'm feeling kind of disappointed by right now. I think it's probably them, but I do worry that I am overly sensitive and I just need to chill out.
The first one (I'll call her Marie) has been my friend for almost 2 years. We went from co-workers to very good friends to bff's and we've had our good times and not so good times. I like to consider myself very loyal and I try to always be there for my friends, someone they can always count on and call any time of the day or night, and I am there. Earlier this year, at five months pregnant, Marie lost her baby. It was horrible and I was often at a loss for what I could do for her. So I was just there, someone to talk to and cry with and distract her or get her things she needed. For a while, we were super tight. We were always hanging out, talking, texting, etc... But then, as time went on, I feel like I kind of got pushed to the side. I understand, she has friends and family, I am not the center of her universe. But I noticed that she rarely responded to my texts or calls unless she had a vested interest. She would claim her phone didn't work, but I noticed I could be with a mutual friend, we could both text her, and she'd reply to them but not me. We work together and I realized the only times she'd want to have lunch or come talk to me was when her other friends weren't there. She'd make plans with me, but bail when someone else invited her to something that sounded more interesting. I tried a little test a couple of months ago and didn't ignore her or quit speaking to her, but I gave her the opportunity to come to me... and our communication all but stopped. And now, we really don't speak at all.
My other friend, who I'll call Melissa, isn't quite as bad, but I still think she may be "bringing me down." Like with Marie, I have been there for her through some issues. When her sister moved away, I dragged her to restaurants and movies and to group gatherings to keep her busy. When she got really sick at work, I drove her home and had to stay late to make up the time. When she had to go to the ER, I spent my Friday night with her. Unlike Marie, she has reciprocated to some extent. I was in the ER recently and when I called her to see if she could give me a ride home, she was already on her way, with the intent of sitting with me at the hospital. But a lot of times, being around her makes me feel crappy. Melissa often makes jokes at my expense, and if I don't act like it doesn't bother me, she rolls her eyes and tells everyone I am too sensitive. Sometimes she'll even announce that nobody can make a joke about me because I can't take it. I used to take her words to heart and beat myself up about it, but several people have approached me and asked why my supposed friend is so mean to me. Also, I work with her as well and she has gone behind my back to my boss and said things that have gotten my into trouble several times. Luckily, I've had other people on my side to back me up or I could have gotten into serious trouble and possibly even fired.
A couple months ago, I started having severe abdominal pain. It took countless visits to my doctor, then a gastroenterologist, several scary and painful tests for them to determine I had to have my gallbladder removed. It took until last Wednesday for them to actually perform surgery. During all of this, Marie has not so much as sent me a text asking how I was. Melissa has been better. She did pick me up at the ER as I mentioned, but she would often make cracks that she was sick of me being sick and looking like I was in pain - not because she hated seeing her friend in pain, but because it was annoying. Anyway, she did ask that I have my mom call her after my surgery so she could know it went okay and my mom did. However, I haven't heard from either of them. Marie lives about ten minutes away and Melissa three. I haven't had a visit, call or text message.
When I did things for them, I did it because I cared about them and I wanted to be a good friend. I've always believed in "do unto others as you would have them do unto you," even though I realized a while ago that there are people out there who don't feel the same way and they will take and take and never give back. So I've grown to still treat people as I would like to be treated, but when they don't reciprocate, I take that and learn from it.
I would be lying if I said it doesn't hurt me that I've been pretty much bed-bound for nearly a week and I have gotten visits, phone calls and texts from friends, family and co-workers but nothing from two of my supposed close friends. My recovery hasn't been very smooth as I have had a bad reaction to my medication and I am just a slow healer anyway.
Like I said, I don't want to throw away two friendships because I'm feeling sorry for myself, but I am trying to use this time away from my life to improve myself on the inside. I feel like these could be toxic relationships and that, for time time being anyway, I need to cut off Marie entirely (obviously while still being polite and professional at work) and keep Melissa at arm's length. However, if anyone else has a different opinion and especially advice, I am all ears!!!
To be honest, my opinion is that you have one friend who doesn't like you all that much and therefore isn't excited to hang out with you and chat with you, and another friend who wants to hang out with you but only to make herself look better.
With the first friend, if you want to keep her friendship you will have to be prepared to always be the one to call her up and face the fact that you might not be her choice of friends. At least you can tell that she isn't all that into you.
The second one is much nastier. She cracks jokes that make you look bad most likely to gain attention for being funny, or to make herself look more capable in comparison (at work). Any person who makes "jokes" that might get you fired is no friend.
Protect your heart until you find someone who can do it better than you.