Hi, i am a 20 year old student.
It will be long to read, but i'll write about everything that bothers me. Please help me if you can.
i have known the guy ill talk about here for the past 10 years,(Mr S let's say) same school and for most part same class, have stayed in touch ever since. we started dating about 2 years ago, which he ended weeks ago..will just come to that.
i used to be a very hard working, studious fellow, yes a bit too loud at times, enthusiastic, and mostly happy, kind of naive in a lot of things. After the 11th standard, my "bff" left me..stopped being friends with me, alltogether, saying that i am a rude person. i spent those two years reading abuses for me on the desk, or being laughed at when i was cheated on by a guy. sad part was that her boyfriend wrote them while she watched, i kept quiet and even if i told my parents, they said it was my fault to care about such wrong people. the whole class was against me and i couldnt find it in me to stand up to them..it was terrible, each day. i now it was very weak of me not to say anything. i got out of there, with an good percentage. yes she tried to contact me after that, while our farewell she cried and hugged and apologised, i cried too but couldn't talk normally with her, so i just left the room. i became friends with her again, after a year maybe. yes it was the same for me, i had always like followed her, she was dumped by her boyfriend and she was looking for distractions and have fun to take her mind off him ( i found about this later)...now she again has a boyfriend, yes we are in contact but it's not the same, neither do i want it to be.
During the time of the desk written abuses, Mr S was not in our class, but he was pretty much there for me on phone texts etc, yes though i didn't talk much about these problems of cheating and my "bff", he said he like me for the past few years just didn't have the courage to say. i told him i dont want a relationship, he said he will wait however long it took me. We would talk into the morning,sharing pretty much every little thing. He gave up drinking, started taking his career seriously, i was happy with the no commitment best friends thing. After a few months a gut asked me out and as everything i told him this... and to my shock he said i should really go on the date. i asked him will he be okay with it, he said yes and that he was over me... i didn't go on it then though.
But i used to talk to some other guys too, casual texting, well not like S, and once i went on a date with the guy who asked me before, it was very very casual for me. After knowing about the date, S flipped out, started texting all the time, being jealous, taunting, blackmailing, saying i should just go to him. i knew i really cared for him, i used to cry every night, but i don't know i couldn't admit that in front of him, i was always very scared, maybe of rejection, cheating, i don't know. So i stopped seeing the guy and i also stopped talking to S. I Had to be a little rude so that he let go. He tried to meet me too once, but i didn't even acknowledge his presence. It was wrong, im sorry for it. So for four month we were out of each other's lives. though sometimes i did check his profile and was happy to see he got into a college and had new friends.
A common friend of ours called me to meet and brought S with him, it was a group outing. During that outing he texted me "i don't want to lose you but i dont have the courage to speak to you". Then when we came home, i tried to talk it out with him, he talked very arrogantly, so i stopped. Again the mutual friend made us meet and sat with us till we both started talking. It was the same again, though now he had another active social group, mostly girls. And i had too. In three or four months we were flirting a bit, used to imagine what it would be like if we as friends could live together. in few weeks, the march of 2011, he asked me to be his girlfriend, I said yes. Things were wonderful ( as they are in every relationship ).
Few things bothered me, like his never introducing me to his friends or even telling them that he has a girlfriend, though he had told him that he had liked me for long, or he lied to me when he went out with them, though i was neve jealous or controlling. When asked he would say, "i want to keep my college group separate from you" or " i stay with them out of necessity and i don't like sharing my personal life with them" and the quirkiest one was " they will start behaving with me differently." i hated this one.
things changed after we got physical. i became more clingy and he more distant. He said the distance was due to my nagging. He even chatted with a girl late at night while telling me he was sleeping, when confronted, he would say, whenever i call you you fight something or the other and i wanted just casual talking.
The frequecy of i love you's went from 4 to 5 times a day to once in weeks...and then...never. He said i dreamt of being with you for years, but i didn't dream of this. I asked him to break up several times, but he would cry, ay we will work it out somehow.
By this time, i drank like once in 2 weeks, turned to a non vegetarian from a vegetarian, my studies were at an all time low. instead og attending classes, i hung out with him,saw moovies he wanted to see, complete his work, or taught him something, mostly we were at his place, most of the time on the bed. i didn' like being physical, i used to be very conservative about that. i used to search for reasons to like it, cuz he begged me for it always...and I, i always needed reassurance, i felt jealous of every girl around him, like a competition. He would tell me i need to lose weight ( im 50 kgs) or that which which girl is prettier than me "BUT STILL" he chose me.
Now i feel he wanted to be like me, sincere ;BUT I TURNED OUT TO BE LIKE HIM.
we stayed together for a year and a half then he dumped me sayin " i cant do it anymore " and say i don't know the reason i just cant . but i need you as a friend. want you there always. i begged, cried, asked him again and again but he didn't listen. He said i just cant now.
since then too we have been in contact, we talked like before. i was in thee icu for a few weeks after the break up, i fell really sick. when i came back to my phone, there were tonnes of his msgs telling mr what he was doi'g right then and how much he was missing me around.
he asks me about what to wear, any important desicion to be taken, any problem to be taken care of anything at all, shares most of his life, we still have sex sometimes, he keeps kissing my cheek or holds my hand, hugs, when we are alone, hes sweetest, but in public "just friends", worse, tells the college friends that "we don't talk much" and tells me that i dont want them questioning me. i feel used now.
i get so angry at times at me or him or the fact we are not a "couple". i scream, hurt myself, yesterday i scratched my face.
the funny thing is i still have hope. that we'llbe fine. that if i am patient, it will be okay.
i know i should priortise myself more, and make him a small percentage in the whole equation. please tell me. help me how.