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Live-in boyfriend of 4 years goes on vacation without me...I can't afford to.

Live-in boyfriend of 4 years goes on vacation without me...I can't afford to.

When we first met, I had a better paying job and I have since changed careers and it doesn't pay as well.  I have been struggling financially for the last few years while his income is getting increasingly better.  He is about to take a 3rd mini vacation without me because I can't afford to go.  He says he is tired of having to pay for everythng.  Part of me understands and part of me thinks what the heck am I doing in this relationship!?  If I am forced to get another job and go back to my old career then I will do it for myself and move out on my own with my child.    Even though we are not married, we still live together and i feel it should be a partnership and if I have to change for anyone it will be for me only.  Maybe it's just my pride, or maybe I can't accept that he can't accept the financial situation I am in.  Either way, it is disheartening.  What are your thoughts?

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staple-salad staple-salad 7 years
I think you both need to start thinking about this relationship as a partnership that requires flexibility from both sides. If you, he and your son are feeling the burden of you're not having a better paying career, I think it's time you think about your priories. Are you willing to sacrifice the well being of your boyfriend and son for the pursuit of a different career? Or are you willing to change something about yourself for their well being? And your boyfriend is acting how my dad does. My mom makes considerably less than him (a lot of it having to do with her not knowing the basics of computer use). My dad constantly whines about how my mom doesn't make enough and how poor we all are, and it seriously puts some strain on the family... not because my mom doesn't earn much, but because my dad has to shout about it for several hours about once a week. Though, we wouldn't go on vacation as anything but a family. My boyfriend and I are planning on living together, and being equal, even though we already know our paychecks aren't (he earns about $0.50 more an hour than I do at his library job), and I think that we'll find a way to split the bills without being a "burden" on each other, and if we take a vacation, it's together (or with our families, ie him and his mom, or me and my parents), or not at all.
PinkNC PinkNC 7 years
I say move on as well. Good luck!
pillowchats pillowchats 7 years
El cheapo is not a team player, and I think you should leave him. If after a 4 year relationship, he doesn't want to pay for you, that means he doesn't want to marry you because marrying someone would mean you have to take care of each other, in all aspects, including financially. He is just a cheap bastard and you should count your blessings that you discovered this sooner rather than later. When you live with someone, you discover all their good and bad sides (article) so re-evaluate and if he is doing it now and you are not comfortable, you will not like it later either.
zeze zeze 7 years
I would dump him. Either way you shouldn't be together, if he doesn't want to pay for you because he thinks you're lazy - then you shouldn't be together, you have different ideals and a lack of respect going there - and if he won't pay for you because he is stingy and selfish then you shouldn't be together. Seriously, DUMP HIM.
dikke-kus dikke-kus 7 years
Agreed obamamama. Careless sums it up.
obamamama obamamama 7 years
Dump him. He's careless of you.
dikke-kus dikke-kus 7 years
I would be extremely hurt by this behavior. If someone did that to me I would leave on a permanent vacation of my own. You didn't sign up for an accountant or a tax collector when he moved in. Go get the other job for more money and make sure you find some way to take care of yourself. If you can reach that point you should decide if you want to stick around. I would really wonder over something like this because it's an blaring indicator in my mind that this man may never help you with anything and treat you like a room mate instead of the love of his life. He is not going to be someone to depend on for anything as he checks his bank account. I would sit down and really think this one over. Get out your checkbook then and tell him he's a bore and you simply can't "afford" to risk your future much longer if he's not in it for the long haul.
MissSushi MissSushi 7 years
This is a 4 year long relationship where they have been sharing the same household. Things shouldn't have gone this long with the me and your and seperate finances, becuase that totally indicates that its not a lasting relationship. Seems like hes terribly burnt from his first marriage, and wants a relationship but not all of the responsibilities that come along with a marriage/long term relationship. It doesn't really matter if the child is hers only, they have been together, living together, for years and unless specified beforehand, it should be us not him and her. If you make enough money to help contribute to the general finances and take care of your son, there is no reason he should be leaving you at home becuase you cannot afford the expensive vacations he's taking. I don't know that I will immediatly jump to the cheating conclusion, but i do think that like most the commenters he has checked out of the relationship. He didn't want any of the messy details beforehand, and now that you aren't making money to his standards he's starting to look for greener pastures. He isn't taking vacations for some alone time or away time. He's taking them and not taking her with him on the idea that if she doesn't make enough after bills and caring for her son, she doesn't get to go. That is NO way to live with someone for years on end.
totygoliguez totygoliguez 7 years
I think he is cheating on you. First of all, if you are truly committed to someone you support them all the way through. Someone that really loves you will hold your back and help you when you needed it, not rub it on your face when your not in the place HE wants you to be. Its not like you don't contribute monetarily to the house hold, you have a job and you also help. Second, why would he want to go on a vacation all by himself? That sounds fishy to me.
theCatsPajamas theCatsPajamas 7 years
i'm gonna be the one on the limb here and say that this really isn't a big deal--that is, 3 vacations in 4 years = totally reasonable. so he spends basically all year with you and then gets out of town once a year? he makes money, he wants to enjoy it. plus, sometimes it's good to spend a little time apart. i totally understand this-- i live with my SO and he can't afford to do all the things i can. we are not married, and no--living together does not automatically mean everything is split 50/50. if that's what you're looking for then a vacation should really be the last thing on your mind--what about retirement? life insurance? i'm not clear what your priorities are. if it really is just about vacationing, maybe you should save up and plan an affordable getaway--like a weekender to a B&B or a camping trip. there are also plenty of all inclusive resorts that have off-season sales. (or, if you just want a partner who pays for your vacations, you could try
Muirnea Muirnea 7 years
I partially agree with jazzy and I partially think your bf is a jerk. Either way, I don't think your bf sees himself as being in a true relationship/partnership right now. So for that reason alone, I would say you guys prob. don't need to be together. About the money specifically though...As long as you are making enough to support yourself and your child without any help from your bf, then you don't need to change jobs. In that case, keep the job that makes you happy. Being happy with your life is so much more important than some people think it is. And in that case, your bf's actions make no sense whatsoever, and really really really show that he isn't really thinking of y'all as being in a relationship or being together long term. But, if you are only getting by with the help of your bf's money, then yeah, that's not good. And in that case, the way he is acting would make a bit more sense. But even though it makes more sense that way, it still isn't right. He still isn't handling the problem like an adult. If he has issues with how the money is used or shared he should talk to you about it like an adult, not hurt your feelings by taking 3 vacations without you without even discussing money with you. So, if you're supporting yourself just fine, then don't change jobs just to have an equal amount of money your bf does. You guys shouldn't have to have exactly equal finances to be able to do things together, that's just crazy. But if he is helping support you, then you should get a better job and support yourself, and then y'all should still share the money for vacations and such.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 7 years
This is going to be harsh, but he sounds sick of the situation. He had a bad marriage for 15 years, probably struggled financially during that relationship or felt used and now here you are moved in with a kid that I assume isn't his by the way you write, and he is taking care of both of you. I am in a minority here, but you seem really selfish..your comment "if I have to change for anyone it will be for me only"....tell me, what about THAT comment indicates willingness to be in a partnership? You sound like a princess, and I personally can see why he is taking mini-vacations by himself. You SHOULD be taking your old job if it means more money and will make the financial aspect of the partnership more equal. You basically expect him to pick up the slack financially for you and your kid because you don't want to go back to your old job...gimme a break. Again I am assuming the kid is not his, as you refer to him as "my son" not "our son". The guy you're living with made a mistake in letting you move in without thinking about the long term consequences of his decision, and he is clearly resentful of you. You now either have to put up, shut up, or bail. Note to all young women out there...never become financially dependent on a man, I don't care how great he is. NEVER.
JudieN JudieN 7 years
Not to defend this guy, but have the two of you discussed how to handle your finances, or did you discuss them before you moved in together? My BF and I live together, and had LONG discussions about how to handle the finances. He makes a lot more money then I do, but we have worked it out in the ways we split the bills, so he actually contributes more than I do. However, we still maintain separate finances for now. We have a vacation coming up, and I know he will help me out some on that trip, but I have saved the majority of the money for my part of the trip. Every couple has a different way of dealing with finances. And money is one of the top reasons people split up. I encourage you to sit down with your significant other and really talk through these issues, especially if you see a future with him at all. To complicate the matter, it sounds like you have a child, but not with him. So you need to discuss the financial needs of the child as well. I do think this is more than just the vacation, maybe the earlier posters are right and he is just selfish and does not view your relationship in the same way you do...but it also sounds to me that the two of you have never sat down and discussed finances. Perhaps that is where this disconnect of roommates vs. partners is coming from. Although my BF and I are handling our finances separately, I feel we are still in a partnership because we discussed how this would work and made the best decision for both of us.
Janine22 Janine22 7 years
Well, I think this guy sounds really cold. Who would take 3 separate vacations from their spouse??? My fiance and I make decisions together. For example, I was not working but he wanted to drive 14 hours to go to his cousin's wedding and see his family. We didn't have a lot of money to do it, but he would not even consider going there without me. Having me there with him was more important to him than how much it would cost, and that is where I see a serious disconnect in your relationship. After 4 years with someone, he should be making decisions with you and as a couple. I don't think that he is treating your relationship as a partnership, as others have said. I think that this is a symptom of a bigger problem in your relationship than just money. Do you see a future with him, and if so are you ok with him regularly taking vacations without you when you cannot afford to go? He sounds selfish in my honest opinion.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 7 years
Who deigns to go on vacation without the S.O. because the latter can't afford it? Are you kidding?! Their would be no vacation if both aren't going. Thinking for 1 person only is not for people in relationships.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 7 years
Can I ask you, if you're in his position, with better job, better paychecks, and he's still struggling, will you go on mini vacations without your bf? Will you tell him to his face that you feel that he's a burden? I know that when I got into a relationship (esp. as long as yours is), it'll be a partnership, his warts..well..kind of going to be my warts too, so are the good things, of course. I'd not dream about leaving my s/o behind just because he doesn't have enough money. My hub always says that everything he brings home is ours, and he won't dream about leaving me and the kid behind just because he wants a mini vacation and I happen to be a sahm. It doesn't seem that he's in that 'state of mind' for you. He's told you how he is already. Now you've seen the 'real' him when you're in the 'bottom' (less paycheck, etc)--after all, you've met him when you're in a better position and he's in a lesser position. So it's all going to be your decision what type of treatment you deserve from your significant other. Good luck.
Chrstne Chrstne 7 years
Being together means that in times of struggle the other person can be kind enough to pick up some slack, emotionally or financially. Especially since it's not as if you guys are poor. You live together, you are a we, and he is acting as if you aren't. He says he'd love for you to go, but obviously not if he is still trying to play like your finances and things are separate. It's good that you want to make things better for yourself, but it also seems like before that, you were defending him and his actions. There really is no excuse for his behavior. This would make sense if you lived alone and didn't combine your lives. There is no way to combine some parts and not all parts...he is clearly just a moron for pretending like it can happen like that. What he is doing is not okay. You deserve someone who is 100% in this as a partnership. He moved in with you, he should have expected there to be bad times. He should have looked at it as a real commitment that means you share a life together. He didn't.
justburself justburself 7 years
I know, everything you both said I say to myself. I honestly just don't think he has a true idea of what it is to be in a "partnership." For people you know him and his past marriage of 15 years, I am obviously paying for that. He feels taken advantage of by me because he does help out financially quite a bit with me and my son. Long story short, I made a mistake by relying on my child support which never came. Now I am getting it but I can't get caught up over night, and he thinks you can, doh! So while I do understand him not wanting to "carry" me financially, I am tired of the separation of his and mine. He did say he would love for me to come and hopes to take a cruise soon but of course that will be a while before I can afford it. He just doesn't understand why I can't make better money or that I just don't get up and quit what I'm doing and go back to what I did before. Like I said, I would do it in a heartbeat, but I'll do it for myself on my own, not for him.
Fallen85 Fallen85 7 years
Er.. so I basically said exactly what Chrstne said just two minutes later hehe
Fallen85 Fallen85 7 years
My thoughts are that you are a relationship, not roommates. You should be building your lives as a team not as opponents. He sees you as an entirely seperate entity. He sees your paycheques as seperate as well, not combined income, so I highly doubt he is really banking on being with you for the rest of his life. I would cut your losses and find someone who wants to be on a team. My boyfriend, who I've been with for 2 years and lived with for 1, would never even begin to imagine going on a vacation without me. If I couldnt afford to go that would mean WE couldnt afford to go. We save for our trips as a couple, instead of it being $100 each it is $200 for both of us. We're a team and I wouldnt have it any other way. Figure out if that's what you want because obviously he doesnt see you as part of his team. Good luck
Chrstne Chrstne 7 years
Living together and being together 4 years should definitely be viewed as a partnership, IMO. I can understand how he may feel frustrated about the situation, but that isn't exactly conducive to being a loving, caring boyfriend. Perhaps he is starting to feel a little superior since his paycheck keeps getting fatter, and yours took a dive and has stayed the same for a while. It's kind of weird that he is not being supportive or even really acting like he cares. Going on vacation without you after 4 years because "you" can't afford it? After this amount of time, it would be more of a "we" in my opinion. Perhaps he has checked out of the relationship. Maybe it's time you did, too. There are people out there who will support you, and who will have more a sense of "we". My BF and I have been together 2 years and live together. My money is his money, and visa versa. If we go on vacation, we go together. A piece of paper doesn't make your relationship less significant, you're still a couple no matter how you look at it. You shouldn't be mad that he wants to go on vacation alone once in a while, but I think you have a right to feel irked that this is the 3rd time and he's busy spouting off about how he's basically pissed that you don't make as much as he does. He can shove it, and you can find someone better.

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