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Lovers and friends

An ex boyfriend and I admit we are disastrous at dating (and everything it entailed) and after three failed attempts swore it off but make wonderful friends. We can tell the other anything and our families never really stopped talking to the ex. No insinuations from either side but they know we're friends so why stop talking to the person when they know he/she will be back eventually (Dysfunctional i know). After our last few breakups, we stopped talking for years until the deaths of his grandmother and a friend brought us back together. Despite years, it was like no time had passed and we picked up right where we left off in the friendship. Admittey, our friendship is an odd one that is often misunderstood by many, including our own significant others who see deeper feelings than actually exist. At his ex-fiancée's insistence we stopped being friends because she thought we were in love and didn't appreciate the challenge to her relationship. At that point it had been three years since we split and we were both seeing other people. Despite promising her nothing would happen-we split amicably and resumed the friendship when they called off the marriage because she was unfaithful.  

Realizing that we'd walked back into each others lives for the twentieth time after a split, we are now questioning why.  Is it actually conceivable that two people who are incompatible every other way can be compatible as friends? If so, how-in the spirit of full disclosure-do we explain our relationship (past and present) to either of our significant others? Do we even need to? 

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Bubbles12 Bubbles12 3 years
Not getting along well enough to be together, but enough to want to be in each others lives is a very, very common experience. Everyone gets it. They also know that proximity between the two of you probably will create more drama. You don't need to explain anything but you do need to prove you're capable of being a friend of his and able to move on with your life with other men. The less said the better. They'll judge you by your actions. So should you.
henna-red henna-red 3 years
Bubbles recommends a book....He's Scared, She's Scared, by Sokol and Carter. It's about commitment phobia...the passive and agressive approaches. You two continue to live and relive a pattern that doesn't work.....and the results are that you are neither of you, in a happy, fulfilling emotional partnership. You express that it's inevitable that this will continue to happen....well, it is if that's what you both continue to choose. We choose our behaviors. We choose to follow our pattern or to break them if they don't work. You two haven't chosen to break a pattern, so, in some way, it works for you. You're getting something out of this pattern. If you want a different result, you have to choose a different behavior. That isn't easy. At all. If you want something different, then you have to look at what you have, why you have it and why you haven't chosen to break this pattern. The question isn't "can the two of you be just friends?" The question is why have you chosen to always step over the boundaries of friendship into sexual intimacy with someone when you know that your lack of change in behaviors will lead to a failed relationship? Why do you continue to choose the same thing? What are you getting out of that choice?

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