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My boyfriend's mother lives with him

My boyfriend's mother lives with him

My boyfriend is 32 and we have been together for a year. I was aware that his 73 year old widowed mother was staying living with him in his house, but for the first 5 months, she was out of the country (where she has four other children) and we practically lived together, even though I had my own place about an hour away. She has been back for a few months, and when she first got back, we were seeing each other only once a week. After a couple of weeks, I couldn't handle it anymore and fought over seeing each other twice a week and it took us breaking up and getting back together to get that. His mother's nice, even though I've only met her a couple of times briefly. But she's old and she can't drive. And he guilts himself because she's been widowed for 14 years. His sister who lives 5 minutes away helps take her places, but his sister also lives with her in laws. I made a mistake a couple of months back and ended up sleeping over at his house and it was completely awkward while I slept in his room and he slept on the couch in the livingroom. I told him I would never do that again. And about a month passed and we broke up again after a strenous month of fighting becuase twice a week still wasn't enough for me. Then a week later we got back together yet again and he was a mess during that week, as was I. He said not only should we see each other three times a week, but that he'd tell his mother to return to the country where his four other siblings could take better care of her. He said he needed me more than his family, but it's not like I want him to grow apart with his family either. But we've been slowly arguing again and now, he's upset with me because I won't come over and spend this Friday at his house because he wants to watch a pay per view event that he's been looking forward to for months but wants to watch it with me. We keep fighting over the same issue and his attitude is not helping me warm up to his family, but it's so hard to break up with him. He keeps talking about marriage and is saying his family and I should get to know each other before we get married, and I agree, but I'm having a hard time liking his family when they don't care about him having his own life and depend on him. He continues to talk about marriage but hasn't done with anything about the situation with his mother. Granted it's only been a couple of weeks since we got back together, but I am losing my patience and so is he. I am just very frustrated with the entire situation. What should I do?

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Ariel11 Ariel11 6 years
Hello, although he says “he needs you more than his family” his actions shown otherwise. I don’t think it’s selfish for you to consider the pros and cons of marring into a situation like this. Family dysfunction takes many forms. For your boyfriend to be shy about sharing a bed with you just because his mother is around is insane. It's his house for crying out loud. Being you argue over this shows you’re having difficulty compromising to those arrangements. You should NOT need to compromise your comfort level or emotional well-being. As long as his family depends on him and he continues catering to their demands your needs will remain unmet. I know when I marry I would need for my husband to be emotionally available to me. That is a basic need and it’s NOT self to want that for your self. You can NOT plan to have children with a man who is too involved in the care taking of others. A wife and child should NOT take second or third place in his life. Don’t make him chose between you and his family. Just be glad you recognize this before marrying and bringing children into the situation. On a positive note he is a caring guy to help out with his mother. You can remain a friend (not girlfriend) to him. If you don’t feel you'll be happy – leave and find a guy you can move forward with. Good Luck
amaranth7 amaranth7 6 years
oh wait, that whole sound barrier and skinship comment made it sound really bad, we wouldn't do that, we're very respectful and proper, I just mean that it just adds to the awkwardness and discomfort when it's such a small place and you can practically hear everyone breathing, so there's no privacy at all
amaranth7 amaranth7 6 years
Thank you everyone for your comments. It's very helpful to get different perspectives, and to keep mine in check. I feel that maybe I haven't matured enough to be mentally prepared for marriage and all its sacrifices and compromises and I will definitely need work on that. It's a delicate situation and I do need to be smart and more compromising about the situation it seems. We are great most of the time, but sometimes when he suggests obviously awkward situations (i.e. when I've got my own place, he insists I sleep at his house where his mother is sleeping in the adjacent room, (his condo is very small and not very good with sound barriers) and his mother is too old fashioned to understand premarital skinship) and gets upset with me for not wanting to be in that situation, it frustrates me. Martini, may I ask what sort of problems you guys are facing? I've never been in this situation and I imagine there are so many things I can't even begin to imagine or mentally prepare for. It'd be really helpful if I can get your insight. Thank you!
ckeller825 ckeller825 6 years
"He said he needed me more than his family..." that's a pretty strong statement considering the two of you have been dating for just a little over a year. I understand you must be frustrated not being able to spend enough time with him, because I know for the first 2 years I wanted to be with my boyfriend 24/7 (we have been dating for a little over 5 years now), but given his circumstances, I think he would be grateful if you would put yourself in his shoes and see how hard it must be on him as well. I hate to say this, but you do sound a bit selfish. I think you are making things even more awkward for the both of you AND for his mom, and it doesn't seem like she has any ill will towards you. He only has one mother, and I'm assuming she gave up most of her life to raise him. Some mothers expect to be taken care of when they become elderly. For foreigners, it's a cultural thing that's hard to break, and it's pretty clear he loves and respects her enough to take her in. Anyway, there are one of two things you can do: either try and be more understanding and supportive about his given situation, or move on. (Nevaeh1978 said it perfectly). If you do decide to work on this relationship, I think you should bite your tongue and try to form a relationship with his mother. Drink tea, maybe cook together or bake her something and eat over conversation. Even if things don't work out, you can't say you never tried. But fighting about this with your boyfriend isn't going to do anything for either of you except make things worse in your relationship...and if anything, you might end up being labeled as cold-hearted down the line. Nobody wants that.
MartiniLush MartiniLush 6 years
I can so relate to this, because my husband's mother lives with us for part of the year - the rest of the time, she lives in her native country. Look, I can tell you that if you are having so many problems around this now, it won't get any better. If you can't accept this situation now and it is causing this many problems in your relationship, I say end it now and move on. Especially before you complicate matters by marrying and having kids!
dikke-kus dikke-kus 6 years
Use some sense here. She's an old lady who depends on her family and him, so why not make the best of it. Maybe if you were nice to her and gave her some respect you would get and engagement ring and a trip overseas. Jesus, grow up would you? Now all you have is arguments and a bad relationship instead of trying to be smart about it.
Fallen85 Fallen85 6 years
I think you're being a selfish little brat here. You knew when you got with him that his mother lived there but you still convinced yourself that it would be just you and him? It is absolutely not fair and completely selfish of you to make him choose between you and his mother. It's his MOTHER! She's a widow, she depends on him and you are ready to just force her to move to another country so you can have sleepovers with your boyfriend of one year? Get over yourself. I suggest you figure out what the hell you want. It's a package deal, honey. Him and his mother or nothing. I think he's pretty great to take care of his mother when she needs him most and I think you don't deserve a guy who is that loyal to his family. Although he is 32 yrs old and should grow big enough balls to at least sleep in the same room as you when you sleep over. Have you tried getting to know his mother? I bet she has some killer stories, 73 years is a long ass time. Maybe if you got to know her and showed her some respect it wouldnt be so bad. Even if she is a cold hearted b*tch at least you gave it a shot and showed him you were willing. If it doesn't work out, then hit the bricks but think about it, some day your mother/father/sibling/uncle/friend/2nd cousin twice removed... could be sick, old, widowed or just plain lonely and need someone to help them out. Would you kick them out just because some guy wanted to sleep over? I should hope not. Grow up. It's not all about you.
nbnb nbnb 6 years
I think you need to make an effort to spend time with his family. I'm not the biggest fan of my boyfriend's family, but they are his family and I love him so I make the effort. Why is it so awkward or impossible for you to sleep over? If you guys are talking about marriage it seems normal for you to sleep over. You may ask him to have a discussion with his mother, since she is staying there about you sleeping over regularly. But it is not ok to make him chose between you and his family, like someone else said, that is what you do if you break up with him over this. Does he sleep over at your place when you do see each other?
GregS GregS 6 years
Live in parents is becoming more and more the norm as the population ages. You are not alone in this. Just imagine if we were in Italy where it's common for the son to live with his mother into his 40's. We just have to deal with the new reality and that reality is that there are parents living with their children.
mix-tape mix-tape 6 years
You have to accept that his mother came with him when you got together. You marry into a family so there is no way of getting around this. You say you haven't really met her, well I think you should try to set up a time where you can really get to know her. Maybe one-on-one breakfast would be good? Most mothers want their sons to be happy and taken care of after they pass so it is reasonable to think she would like to see him married off soon. Try to work with the situation you're given. A live in mother isn't the worst thing that could happen to a relationship. Oh and why do you have to always see each other at HIS place? Why can't he spend the night at yours?
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 6 years
OP, How about him telling his mom that he wants to have you sleep over in his bedroom while his mom is living in the same house/apartment. She just might agree to it, you know. Is there a reason to asssume that she is a prude? Does she have the right to bring a boyfriend home overnight? We cannot automatically assume that she is not going to be cool about this.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 6 years
Wow. I don't know, I'm probably the only person who feels sorry for his mom. I was just watching Judge Judy yesterday, she said something quite true: You only have 1 mom. Your mom will stay your mom forever while you exchange girlfriends, boyfriends, wives and husbands in your life. My husband knows how traditional my family can be (believe me that he doesn't understand a lot of our culture and doesn't like/enjoy some of the traditions either), and HE shows his love for me by telling me that when the time comes, when my parents are incapable of taking care of themselves and their house, WE will be taking care of them (that is, if my brother isn't capable to do so). I will do the same thing for his parents, I respect my in-laws too. Its' part of a marriage is, accepting and loving the other's family for their pros and cons, and thinking of them like they're your own. Your bf's mom's old and her time and um yeah, he's part of 5 kids, and the other 4 kids have probably taken turns taking care of her after she's become old and probably incapable of truly taking care of a home by herself. They seem to also be traditional (his family) and the type of family who doesn't put their grandparents in a retirement home or such esp. if family is around. I understand that it's not the most convenient for you (holy crap, 2-3 times a week of spending time together is truly not enough? And the fact that it's actually ok for you to stay over there if you have to, just need to show respect to his mother--b/c it does sound he comes from an old-fashioned family--is completely ). Do him a favor, sweetie. Either you accept him for how he is and his family is, and at least TRY TO COMPROMISE. It sounds like he really wants you around but he's bound also by tradition and by the fact that he's a good son who wants to do his duty accordingly after his 4 other siblings have taken turns taking of her before. He's just trying to repay his mom who GAVE BIRTH to him, RAISED him and managed to raise him really well, he sounds financially stable, independent, etc. Good job to her mom, imho. Or, if you can't accept this and you think compromising is not something you can do (it doesn't sound so from the post), if it's a complete deal breaker, you need to be firm. If you're going to break up with im again for a goshdarn PPV event because you're sulking, whatever, how about this time STICK WITH IT. REFUSE any communication from him and, let him get over you and move on to another girl who are more accepting of his living arrangement. You need to move on with men who have no responsibility or traditional duty for his parents and who mesh with you. Good luck.
schnuppi schnuppi 6 years
I don't really think it's a good thing that you kind of "force" him to choose between his mother and you. Sorry to say it like that but with you breaking up with him all the time that's what you do in my humble opinion. He will only resent you at some point if he has to choose between you and her. Does his Mum have a problem with you sleeping over there? Can he come to your place instead? Surely his Mum doesn't need to be taken somewhere after 8 pm? I think you guys need to work out something with seeing you more often without having to X out his mother completely.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 6 years
First things first. When is his mother going to move out?

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