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Paranoia, Fear, and loss of self worth

My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year now. We live together and share a dog. In febuary I had discovered he had been talking to this girl who lived literally down the street from us over webcam. He was always talking sexually with her, asking her to show her breasts and perform sexual acts on cam. I was very hurt and socked when I discovere this. Before I had started dating my current boyfriend I had been in an abusive relatinship where my ex had cheated on me multiple times. My current boyfriend was aware of this and when he asked me out he promised he would never do anything to hurt me. For the first time in a long time I felt secure in a relationship so naturally when I discovered what he had been doing I ws upset and felt betrayed. He even went on a wlk with her and lied to me about it until I found out. I know not everyone thinks his way but I consider webcam sex different from regulare porn infact I see it as cheating. Anyways, I had told him I found out about it and I aske him to stop. He said alright and told me he stopped. I fet I could trust him but a month later he continued to do it but now every time I  talked to him about it he got frious at me and would yell and shout and accuse me of snooping on his compter which, thought i was rather ashamed of mysef I admit to it but I had seen him seaking with her again so I became suspicious. I kept sking him to stp and he kept saying he did but evidence and convorsation history said otherwise. Finally I tlked to one of his good friends about it and he told me he would talk to him about it. He came to the house and adressed my boyfriend about what he was doing, how it was wrong, and how he was hurtng me. My boyfriend didn't say a word while hs friend was talking and when he finished all he said was, "I stopped." I thought that our friend had gotten through to him so for a while I felt more stable. I trusted that he told the truth and that he had stopped.

However... About a month ago I was stting next to him while he was talking on msn. I had looked over and he pulled his laptop away and minimized the convorsation. I asked who he was talking to and he said "I'm not talking to anyone." like I was so ignorant that I didn't see him talking to someone. I asked him agian who he was talking to and what he was talking about. He got angry and yelled "It's none of your business".Naturll I was very suspicious and I checked his laptop history agian and found out her was talking to the sae girl again. He had even said he would meet her after work one day. I know he didn't meet with her because he arived home on time every morning.I told him I found out he was still talking to her and burst into tears. All he said was "I'm an idiot" he didn't really show any remourse though he was hugging me in a comforting way. I tlking to him about his little meet he had planned and he said he would never meet her but he had lied and said she was a girl in another city like I wouldn't put the pieces together. Itlke to him again about it and agani he said "I stopped. I won't do it again, now stop bringing it up because every tm you to it triggers it and makes me want to do it." he also said things when I would look on his laptop like, "Youre only looking for a reason to break up". I would have assumed most gils would have dumped him for this but, ad I do admit to it, I'm so stupidly loyal to my lover. Anyways, he deleted and blocked her and recently I haven't seen anthing that seems like hes doing it again but deep downI am feeling this horrid paranoia. I'm scared to trust him and I don't know if he's being honest or if he'll do it again. I'm even paranoid when he says he's going somewhere but my mind skews it and I think he's goin to meet that girl. Also when he was doing this it mae me feel like I wasn't good enough and my self worth plumitted to where I stan now where I can't stand myself. To be honest I fet like  was playing second fiddle to a camgirl's tits. I could not comprehend why he did it. Our sex life is perfetly active. I do things to keep him happy and he still did those things like I meat nothing to him.

On another note when it coes to sex, his sex life in booming. He gets the whole nine yards but on my side he never tries to pleasure me unless its sex where he's recieving too. Even small requests he normally brshes off like he's too tired or busy to do them when he's always ust itting on the couch playing xbox 360 or watching tv (both activities I see nothing wrong wih I enjy them nboth myself) but he seems to try and avoid doing things. He buys me things when he has extra money bt I always tell him I'm not into material gifts, I'd much rather a backrub over a gift but he hates giving back rubs. He loves recieving them however.

Anyways this turned out much longer that I thought it ould be. I normally try not to rant on like this but it certainly helped to get it off my chest. But what Id like to know is how to I deal with this? I need some external advice.

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talanted08 talanted08 6 years
All of these post above are telling you something REAL! If a man has to use another women as a pick me upper then honey, that means you and him are not meant to be! Leave the loser and enjoy life to the fullest with out the paranoia, the lies and the women up the street! If it's more than one that's he's wanting then by all means... let the two timing loser have it!
atraditionalist atraditionalist 6 years
You're not worthless hun! He's worthless and horrible. This may sound harsh but you are playing second fiddle to another girl's tits on webcam. If you want all this paranoia, lying, and cheating to continue then you're on the right track by staying with this guy. But if you want to break free from all this the first step is to leave him. From the sounds of things, he is not a good man.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 6 years
You can't change a lying, disrespectful, unkind cheater no matter how much you try, no matter how much love and kindness you bestow upon him ( or even to the point on involving a friend to talk to him). Sorry. The only thing that you can change is the situation by LEAVING the bad relationship. To work on yourself, to heal (I understand the after effect of a bad relationship where you've been cheated on). It seems that you're so used to being cheated on by your ex, you actually are repeating yourself and continue attracting this type of man into your life (with this current man), so it's a sign that you need to do some work with yourself, perhas by a therapist? Good luck, hon.
Rasberry-Sorbet Rasberry-Sorbet 6 years
Ok, so this guy shows you that he is a liar,disrespectful, a cheater and a pervert and you reward him by staying with him and listening to his story. The evidence is clear. He is a con artist inspite of your best idealized view of him. Someone who produces all this deceit and lack of respect for you does not love you period. All he has to do is say hes sorry and hug and comfort you and its all better. What does he do for your besides provide fake comfort and security and make you paranoid and crazy. You defintely need to distance yourself from this guy. He's cheating on you and I'm sure its going on physically as well. Dont allow his con game to rationalize why he will continue to do what you allow him to do. Exit now before you get too involved like marriage and children. I know you love him but this love is clouding your judgement. Pay attention to your gut and protect your emotional and physical health.
That paranoia you are feeling and cant seem to shake is your instincts screaming at you that there is something wrong. Nobody can lie to yourself better than you can. So be blatantly honest...can you see yourself living like this forever? You deserve to happy and to be treated with respect. Regardless if he says he loves you or not his behavior is not conducive to a loving and honest relationship. He has maaajor problems. Make a command decision to be happy....YOU DESERVE IT!
Pauladeanliveshere Pauladeanliveshere 6 years
You need to leave this guy. Read again please. You need to lose this guy. He is demeaning you and will make you think you are crazy. He is not honest. He is not faithful and he is going to make you think you are losing your mind. You are not losing your mind and you are most probably right. He is cheating with this girl and he is finding ways to speak to her online and see her in person. MOVE OUT and MOVE ON! Please, I know it may be hard but you cannot trust him with your heart, body or soul.

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