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Secret Life of the Preschooler

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful little girl who liked to stick things up her nose. From the tender age of one, she attempted to find new homes for whatever candy, marbles, rocks, erasers (attached to pencils or not), surprisingly large pasta, Christmas lights, keys, even the TV remote control inside her sinus cavities. The family had to change pediatricians a number of times to keep their daughter’s problem a secret.

Her mother and father were quite concerned for the obvious reasons, not least of which was Child Protective Services knocking on their door. Their concerns were further compounded when, during a routine doctor appointment, the doctor found a plastic bead shoved snuggly inside the little girl’s right nostril. It had likely been there for two days.

Mother was shocked; but not the little girl who was instead upset because this discovery meant that the bead had to come out.

Mother and daughter were scolded by the doctor. As a result the little girl was not allowed near anything smaller than a refrigerator. This was difficult of course because life, especially with a sibling who is four years older, is full of tempting objects when you are a chronic orifice shover-inner. Furthermore, there aren’t a lot of support groups out there when that urge to insert comes on.

The family persevered, even the begrudging five-year-old sister who resigned herself to staring at the walls for fun. Her entire childhood, she thought, was ruined by her sister’s spiraling addiction.

Two years passed. The little girl was now a mature three-year-old preschooler. Her sister, who was now seven, had been chomping at the bit dreaming of the day she could have a bedroom full of plastic chocking hazards. Finally, it was time. The parents celebrated their not-so-little girl’s newfound maturity with a bounty of gifts—gumballs, kumquats, pretzel rods. The silverware was returned to its rightful location. The family cried when nuts were reintroduced to their diets as if they were long lost friends. It was time to rejoice, for the pleasure of small and slender objects had returned to their lives.

As the family sat down to enjoy a movie…with popcorn, Mother heard a strange wheezing sound. All four of them turned off the movie and scoured the room on their hands and knees. In unison, three of the family members stood up with arms crossed looking down at the three-year-old culprit who looked as guilty as a cornered burglar.

They tackled the squirming child to the sofa to discover a dried blueberry brazenly squirreled away inside her nostril. The temptations were too great; it was intervention time. But given the late hour, the family’s medical co-pay and Mother’s desire not to have to find a new doctor, Mother took matters into her own hands. She performed blueberry CPR in which she blew into her daughter’s mouth while plugging the blueberry-free nostril. It worked. The child would be saved from another misguided attempt at plugging the ol’ hole.

Today, we are happy to report, the not-so-little girl is finally getting the treatment she needs to kick the habit. Together, a team of experts that includes addiction specialist Dr. Drew Pinsky, is working with her to create an effective plan for this under-studied, yet highly popular problem among the preschool-and-under segment of our population. This family’s story will be airing as a three-part series thanks to a partnership between MTV and the Disney Channel.

For more funny family stories, visit Thanks for reading!


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