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DEARSUGAR Needs Your Help: My Mom Likes To Stir The Pot

Dearest DEARSUGAR readers...please chime in and help out poor Angry Annalaise. She seems pretty down and out about her Mother's lack of filter and sensitivity. What's your advice?

Dear Sugar
I have a very close relationship with my Mom, but sometimes she can be a little bit overwhelming to have a conversation with because she never stops talking. I've been upset with her for a couple of reasons for a while now, and so I decided to write her an e-mail about my feelings.

This was a heartfelt letter where I shared some very personal thoughts with her. One of which was about custody of my children. My brother and sister-in-law live a different lifestyle than my husband and I. If something should ever happen to us, we would want our kids to remain in our home with my husband's brother and not be moved to my brother and sister-in-law's home.

Without permission or my knowledge, my Mother then forwarded this e-mail to my brother and sister-in-law to read. They were devastated about our decision and hurt we didn't talk to them about it first. Ever since, I have been trying to make things right with them.

How do I tell my mom what she did was wrong and that she crossed the line? Angry Annalaise

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fashonista14 fashonista14 10 years
Tell Ur mom that she crossed the line and that u fully intended 2 tell Ur bro but not in the same wording (?) and bluntness (?) as u confided 2 her, and Ur old enough to handle yourself u don't need her to tell the whole fam about this u'd rather do it yourself thank-you-very-much!!!
bruno1 bruno1 10 years
Bruno was here.
cubadog cubadog 10 years
You describe your relationship with your Mom as close then you should be able to tell her exactly how you feel. All you need to tell her is that she was wrong and crossed the line it doesn't need to turn into a massive dialouge about the whole incident. She does need to know that you expect an apology. If your old enough to be married and have children then you should be old enough to have this conversation with your Mom.
bubblygirl bubblygirl 10 years
ur mom had no right to do that and u need to tell her i'm a teenager but my sister is 20 and she and my mom hated eachother until my mom had a one on one w/ her and they r so close now and now my mom hates me but i also rebeled...thats not the point u need to talk to ur mom because things will only get worse from here on if u dont
colormesticky colormesticky 10 years
Unless you said something bad and untrue about your brother and sister in law, you have nothing to aplogize for. When it comes to your children, it's only right to want what's best for them. If you disagree with how your brother lives, then he has no business being upset that you don't want him raising your children. It doesn't mean you don't love him, it just means you don't want him taking the reigns if something should happen to you. As for your mom, that was totally uncalled for. Just be careful how you word things with her from now on, since she'll probably tattle.
nicachica nicachica 10 years
WHOOOPS! my bad...didn't see that you had already apologized to your sibling. and here i thought i was being a good Dear Abby...
nicachica nicachica 10 years
WHOA, you definately need to have a one-on-one conversation with your mother and before beginning, lay down some ground rules including: 1. Let me finish speaking before you say something 2. LET ME FINISH SPEAKING BEFORE YOU SAY SOMETHING! And then get to talking about how hurt you are that she was completely in the wrong by forwarding your email when you told her something in confidence. However, an email is not the best way way to confide in someone as your thoughts can easily be forwarded to another person (which you obviously know by now and will hopefully have learned your lesson). After you make your displeasure known to your mother and hope for an apology (which she should definately do), turn around and apologize to your brother and sister-in-law. Yes, it was wrong for your mother to send your personal thoughts of "my children will not be raised by them for X reasons" but imagine how hurt you would be if your brother sent this email to your mother? In other words, put yourself in their position. Talk to them and apologize for writing that part of the email. (But you don't have to apologize for having that thought as they are your own and everyone is entitled to think what they may however right or wrong it is). Emphasize their good attributes and say that you can't take back what you said but you hope that you all can move on from this. It will take awhile but this too shall pass. Good luck!
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