We all saw that Jennifer Lawrence brought her boyfriend, Nicholas Hoult, to the Oscars on Sunday, but he wasn't her only date. Jennifer's best friend, Laura Simpson, was along for the big night as well, and she shared an honest — and hilarious — account of what it was like to attend Hollywood's biggest event as a non-celebrity. We learned a few things while reading the article:
You Don't See the Real Red Carpet on TV
Highland (between Sunset and Hollywood) is filled with barricades with different entry points so no crazy person can plow their car through, killing everyone on the red carpet. Guarding each entry point through the barricades are men in head-to-toe camouflage with gigantic automatic weapons (rifles? I don't know guns). I try to take a photo of one, and I'm stopped immediately. Completely lining the sidewalks of Highland are the Jesus freaks. I am not talking a few — I am talking every inch of the sidewalk is full of God-fearing picket signs and psalms. It's so surreal and hate-filled, I feel like I am heading to my own personal Salem Witch Trial.
Celebrities Are the Only People Who Matter
There are flashbulbs and people circling, yet no one asks if I need any help, because unless you are famous at the Oscars, you are completely invisible. I have never experienced anything like it. The only time anyone talks to you is if you are in the way of his or her photo. Oh, and photographers on the carpet yell "YOU IN THE HUGE DRESS, GET OUT OF THE F*CKING SHOT." It's incredible.
Everyone Really Is Starving in the Audience
It's around this time that you realize you are STARVING and haven't had any food since breakfast at 9 a.m. It's hot and you feel like you're going to pass out. The Academy really needs to spring for more hors d'oeuvres options, because now everyone is hammered. My date comes out after her category, and we decide to watch the rest of the show in the greenroom where there is pizza.
Brad and Angelina Are as Amazing as You Think
Brad Pitt smells amazing; like nothing I've ever smelled. Eventually we ask what cologne he's wearing, and he tells us, "I don't wear cologne, it's just my musk I guess." I have to choose not to believe him because it would just be unfair to mankind. Angelina is gorgeous and elegant and they are like The Sun and The Moon.
Famous People Are Everywhere
Some guy picks up my purse that had fallen off my seat, and I say "Thank you . . . Channing Tatum," and my dress gets caught on Jennifer Garner, and we awkwardly laugh, and someone tries to separate us. The lovely pregnant Kerry Washington asks me if she could have the Slim Jim in my purse. I kind of just sit there and smile creepily when someone catches me staring — shout out to Penélope Cruz.
Actresses Get a Bad Rap
I think what I took most away from the evening was how lovely all the women were. Actresses tend to get a bad reputation, but every woman I met was lovely, witty, and introduced themselves to me even though I wasn't famous — even Anne Hathaway. And Kerry Washington, if your marriage doesn't work out . . . CALL ME.