After weeks of terrifying, gross-out teasers, American Horror Story: Coven has premiered, and I'm officially in love. Season one's doomed couple, Taissa Farmiga and Evan Peters, are back together — at least, for a while — and it's magical! Kathy Bates actually utters, "Just look at this waddle," while grabbing under her chin! Denis O'Hare looks exactly like Chris Elliott as the disgusting butler from Scary Movie 2! This season is already everything I hoped it would be, and I haven't even gotten to the most insane moments. This week, we get an introduction to Coven's female-heavy cast.
Four young witches (Farmiga, Emma Roberts, Gabourey Sidibe, and Jamie Brewer) are taking up residence at Miss Robichaux's Academy For Exceptional Young Ladies, a school for budding witches down in old New Orleans. Cordelia Foxx (Sarah Paulson) is the school's sole teacher, until her mother, Fiona Goode (Jessica Lange), shows up. But first, let's start with Madame Delphine LaLaurie (Bates), possibly the most despicable character in American Horror Story history — and she's based on a real person. To get the most insane moments from "B*tchcraft," just read on!
- Madame LaLaurie creates her own minotaur. This season kicks off with one of the most jaw-dropping creations ever to be seen on the show, and that's saying a lot coming from the series that gave us Bloody Face. Southern socialite Madame LaLaurie doesn't take kindly to the news that her daughter has been fooling around with the houseboy, and he earns a one-way ticket to her Chamber of Horrors. You know, the place in the attic where she keeps all the slaves whose faces she's mutilated. Inspired by her days reading Greek mythology, Madame fits a butchered bull's head atop his. There goes my sleep.
- Zoe induces Charlie's "brain aneurism." Zoe (Farmiga) just wants to lose her virginity the old-fashioned way — too bad she's a descendent of a powerful line of Salem witches and the intercourse causes her partner, Charlie, to seize and die. I'm no expert on brain aneurisms, but I'm fairly confident blood doesn't pour out every orifice of your body. At least by the end of the episode, she's using her powers for good, right? I do have to say, if death-sex is her only power, that's a pretty huge bummer.
- Misty Day is burned to death. Lily Rabe makes her first appearance as Misty Day, a young witch whose power to bring the dead back to life gets her into serious trouble. Turns out burning witches at the stake isn't just for 17th-century townsfolk anymore! This won't be the last we see of Rabe, leading me to wonder, can a witch who brings birds back to life bring herself back to life?
- Fiona sucks the life out of the researcher. Fiona isn't just obsessed with looking young, she wants to be young again. So when the researcher she commissions fails to produce a product that takes years off of her, she just ups and makes out with him until he turns into an old, decrepit man. He seriously looks like the Crypt Keeper by the time she's done with him, and though her youth returns momentarily, the wrinkles soon creep back in.
- Madison kills seven frat boys. The show is beginning on a lighter note than ever before, but Madison (Roberts) gets the heaviest story line when she's drugged and becomes the victim of a gang rape at a local fraternity house. While the boys escape in the bus, Madison catches up to them outside and in a fit of upset, she uses her powers to flip the bus over. Seven boys die, including Zoe's new crush, Kyle (Evan Peters). I'd be sad, but it looks like the girls are fixing to Frankenstein him up next week.
- Madame LaLaurie wakes from the dead. Say what? Flash back to the 1800s again and voodoo queen Marie Laveau (Angela Bassett) tricks Madame LaLaurie into drinking some poison as payback for turning her boyfriend into a minotaur, but it doesn't quite work. Fiona digs LaLaurie up from her hidden grave, only to find the evil slave torturer is alive, though probably desperately in need of a drink. How is this supposed to play out? I hope this doesn't mean the flashbacks are over.
What did you think of the season premiere? Are you loving the new theme, or will you be ditching this season?