American Horror Story: Coven has concluded, and we have a new Supreme! The four remaining ladies (Zoe, Madison, Queenie, and Misty) are competing for the championship of the Seven Wonders, and as Cordelia says: "Childhood is over, my dears . . . kick ass tomorrow." They have a dramatic Last Supper, and then it's off to the races as the girls compete for their Girl Scout badges of telekinesis and transmutation, among others. Heads up, it gets bloody and not everyone survives. More surprises: Fiona didn't actually die last week! (What's that? You're not surprised? Me either.)
The episode is actually a quaint bookend to a colorful and shocking season, though I did miss Madame LaLaurie and Marie Laveau. Let's take a look at the most twisted moments!
- Everyone fails the Seven Wonders . . . except Cordelia. All hail the new Supreme! Cordelia show the girls who's boss and, at Myrtle's urging, decides to perform the Seven Wonders herself. Her sight gets restored, and, likewise, she vows to restore the Academy to be a haven for wayward witches. She even goes public as a witch, shedding light on their kind. (Side note: if you think you're a witch, you can email her at email@example.com.) Zoe and Queenie don't make it through their trials, but they do become Cordelia's right-hand women, staffers at the new, improved Miss Robichaux's.
- Fiona is trapped with The Axeman forever. Fiona totally pulled shenanigans on us last week and tricked The Axeman into thinking he'd murdered her. She actually escapes and intends to come back and kill the new Supreme once she's been declared. Instead, she has a heartwarming conversation with Cordelia, and the two finally get some closure about their troubled relationship . . . then she dies. Have some sympathy, guys, she did ruin "a perfectly good pair of Jimmy Choos." Great news, though! She'll live on forever in her own personal hell. She wakes up in a cabin with The Axeman bringing home some fish. It's really not that bad, except for the decor ("KNOTTY PINE?") and the fact that Papa Legba is there, creepily laughing.
- Zoe skewers herself. Zoe's been the favorite for Supreme all along, but a friendly game of transmutation tag gets out of control when Zoe actually transports herself to the top of the gate, skewering her torso. I'm not sure how they get her off the fence (I guess they are witches), and Madison refuses to bring her back. No worries, Cordelia does the duties later.
- Kyle murders Madison. Kyle seriously loves Zoe. He watches as Madison refuses to revive Zoe, and then, understandably, he gets upset. He starts to choke her, and when she pleads with him that she loves him and she did it for them, he just goes, "You're not that good an actress," and finishes her off. Death to the wicked witch! Spalding shows up and assures him they can bury her and no one will notice, and just like that, Kyle inherits the job of butler at Miss Robichaux's.
- Misty Day disintegrates into a pile of dust. Poor Misty. During one of the challenges, she gets caught reliving her worst memory over and over again. Flash back to middle school science class and she keeps bringing her dissection frog back to life. Her science teacher thinks she just snuck in a new frog and forces her to kill the live one. She's unable to escape from the dream and eventually just turns to dust. Sorry, Misty fans. I actually did love this challenge, especially because it reminded me of The Amazing Race when Cordelia tells Queenie, "You're the first to return." Too bad she doesn't win a cool trip to the Bahamas.
- Myrtle is burned at the stake. To be fair, it's Myrtle's own fault. After Cordelia inherits the Supreme crown, Myrtle says she wants Cordelia's reign to be pure and fair, and because Myrtle melon-balled out the Councils' eyes, she knows she deserves to be punished, so she forces Cordelia to execute her. She does get one last word: "Balenciaga!" I don't even know, you guys.
Now that it's over, what did you think of the season, and did the finale do Coven justice?