When it comes to matters of life and death, American Horror Story: Coven is one show where the term "YOLO" doesn't necessarily apply. Last week left our coven under serious duress, with the young witches in the Academy alone and a group of Marie's zombie puppets knocking at their door. Not to mention that Fiona and Cordelia had gone out together for a little bonding time, only to leave Cordelia with a face full of burning acid, thanks to the attack of a cloaked assailant.
This episode seems to focus on teaching us very specific lessons: what's dead doesn't always stay dead, and secrets that have been buried can't stay hidden forever. Find all about this week's backstabbing, blackmailing, framing, and chainsaw-wielding when you read on.
- The undead take over Miss Robichaux's Academy. It's bad enough that Marie Laveau sends all of those nasty, rotting corpses over to the Academy to hang out, but then that stupid hot boy Luke has to go outside to be all brave and manly. He tells all the zombies that their joke was hilarious and they can go home, and that's when they come to life and start trying to murder everyone.
- Zoe kicks some serious zombie ass. OK but really, how awesome is it when Zoe just starts shredding the zombies with the chainsaw she finds in that shed thing? Bonus points for the zombie beheading and the part when she cuts one in half from forehead to groin. The chainsaw unfortunately runs out of gas right before she can kill the last zombie, and she ends up having an unexpected trick up her sleeve. She puts up her hand, murmurs a strange incantation, and the zombie drops dead, and Marie crashes to the ground. I'm going to call it right now, everyone. Zoe might be the next Supreme.
- Cordelia is permanently blind. As the girls are dealing with their mini spinoff of The Walking Dead, Cordelia is taken to the hospital, and the doctors declare her permanently blind. Hank eventually shows up — fresh from murdering his online girlfriend — and Cordelia suddenly wakes up, and sees all of the events surrounding Hank's infidelity. Wait, did she just develop second sight? I mean, they say when you lose one sense, the others get stronger, right?
- Fiona resurrects a stillborn baby. Fiona breaks into the medicine closet at the hospital and gets totally loaded, then begins wandering the halls and meeting the other patients. She happens upon a grieving mother who has just given birth to a stillborn child. I have to admit, I thought the whole scene was Fiona's weird way of dealing with her reverse-mommy issues, and I was pretty creeped out up until she brings the baby back to life. It's kind of sweet, in a really messed up way.
- Myrtle Snow is burned at the stake. In a totally strange turn of events, Fiona frames Myrtle Snow for the blinding of her daughter, and even — circumstantially, at least — the death of Madison Montgomery. Here's what I'm confused about: we find out that Queenie has agreed to do Fiona's dirty work by voodoo burning Myrtle's hand with acid, but were the elevator sighting and the weird motel death shrine made up, too? Either way, the evidence is enough to put Myrtle on the stake to burn. I'm not sure why we needed that bizarre Quentin Tarantino-esque scene where Myrtle gets tied to the stake with porno music playing in the background, but I'll accept it. After all, it's American Horror Story, and pretty much anything goes.
- Misty Day returns and manages more mischief. As if the zombies and the stillborn baby weren't enough, Misty Day saunters back in at the end of the episode and brings the well-done, thoroughly charred Myrtle Snow back to life. This can't be good. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorched.
On a final note, Spalding is still keeping Madison's corpse up in his room, and at this rate, maybe she'll be coming back to life too, missing arm and all. Also, where's Kyle? Isn't he just roaming the streets, caked in blood?