Death comes to American Horror Story this week on the show's epic midseason finale, "Head." We get a whole lot of info on Hank and his troubled witch-hunting background, Myrtle gets revenge on the council that sent her to burn at the stake, and the best news of all: Fiona cures Kyle! Sort of. All of this leads up to an insane sequence in which a ton of people die, including a couple characters we've gotten to know.
This midseason finale is everything I wanted and more. Madison wears a ridiculous fur hat in humid New Orleans, there's an insane death-by-bees scene, and there's even a heinous act of violence involving a melon baller. It's fantastic, and I'm really bummed that we have to wait until Jan. 8 to get more of Coven. Let's talk about this week's episode when you keep reading.
- Hanks goes on a shooting rampage in Marie's salon. Apparently Hank's been hunting witches since he was a wee boy, but he's the weak link in the Delphi Trust, a mysterious company headed by his father. They've clearly got some father-son issues going on, and the tension boils over, leading Hank to go on a really disturbing rampage at Marie's salon. He shoots everyone in his path, until he gets to Marie and . . .
- Queenie shoots herself in the head. Remember how Queenie is a human voodoo doll? Hank shoots her in the stomach but she manages to crawl over to Hank right before he nails Marie with a fatal shot. I figured Queenie would shoot Hank, but instead, she turns the gun in her own mouth, and both of their brains splatter everywhere. Why doesn't she just shoot him? She's close enough, right? RIP Queenie (but not Hank because he's awful).
- Myrtle melon-balls out The Council members' eyes . . . and gives them to Cordelia! This is just the best thing ever, right? Let's talk about it. Myrtle is holding a grudge against her former fellows on The Council, so she invites them over for drinks and melon. She doses them with a temporary paralytic and for a minute there I thought she would just slap them around a little. Nope! She scoops out their eyes with a melon baller and implants them into Cordelia's head. Everybody wins, right? Nope! Myrtle carves up the rest of The Council members' bodies parts and throws them in acid. Awesome.
- Joan murdered her husband, then she tries to murder Luke! Luke is in a coma following that ugly shooting incident from last week (pesky witch hunters), and the only one that can hear him is Nan. She translates for his mother, and that goes OK until half-dead Luke magically sees that his mother killed his father with a bunch of bees. When Luke finally wakes up from his coma and he starts babbling about his mother killing his father, she tells him to go back to sleep. Then she puts a pillow over his head. Please tell me this doesn't actually pan out for her. Coven needs the masculine energy and he's just too hot to die. Somebody stop this woman.
- Queenie makes Madame LaLaurie watch Roots. One of Queenie's last acts is to put Madam LaLaurie through "sensitivity training." In this case, that means propping her disembodied head up on a table and making her watch all sorts of Civil Rights documentaries, plus the classic miniseries Roots, in its entirety. As Hank is shooting his way through the salon and powerful music is blaring from the documentary, Madame LaLaurie actually starts to cry. She's changing, you guys!
- Kyle kills the dog. He may be learning fancy new words, but Kyle is still a zombie, and he doesn't know his own strength. Fiona discovers him when the school's new guard dog barks at his door, and while trying to cuddle the dog, Kyle accidentally kills it — Lenny style. Out with the old, and in with the new! Fiona "spruces" up Kyle's mental state and puts him to work as the house's new guard dog.