"Not to be outdone, NBC is also a network." — Host Seth Meyers, reminding his home network that it's not doing very well

"You got so fat since the Oscars, I almost didn't recognize you." — Jimmy Kimmel, ripping into Matthew McConaughey [5]

"Hold on, Clark Gable." — Julia Louis-Dreyfus [6], presenting with a mustachioed Bryan Cranston

"Please welcome two men who also have no idea what happened at the end of True Detective." — Amy Poehler [7], introducing Matthew McConaughey [8] and Woody Harrelson

"That's right, kids. Jesse Pinkman lived, Dexter lived, but your mother didn't make it. Goodnight." — Seth Meyers, on the ending of How I Met Your Mother [9]

"It's an honor to be cohosting the Emmys with you this evening!" — Andy Samberg [10], misunderstanding his role

"None of us will ever make as much money as Kim Kardashian [11] for her iPhone game." — Jimmy Fallon [12], on the reality of not being a Kardashian

"Haha, I won. I knew I would because I am the best actor. Parsons, Cheadle, H. Macy, Joey from Friends, and Louis from Louie spelled slightly differently. Look at their stupid faces." — Ricky Gervais, reading from his never-given acceptance speech

"Mother, why don't you love me like you love Uncle Jaime?" — Andy Samberg [13], pretending to be Joffrey from Game of Thrones to Lena Headey

"I’m grateful you had all the plagiarized lines!" — Woody Harrelson, alluding to the True Detective plagiarism scandal