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"Desperate Housewives" Recap: Episode 12, "Not While I'm Around"

"Desperate Housewives" Recap: Episode 12, "Not While I'm Around"

This week's "Desperate Housewives" was all about trust and safety. The opening voiceover compared life as a housewife to that of a prison inmate, since both protect themselves from dangerous people. Heavy-handed, sure, but this season on the whole has been rather well-written, especially when it comes to the juicy one-liners, and there were some great ones in this episode.

Over in prison, Mike Delfino is learning about self-protection, whittling weapons out of common objects. Yet when some thugs come 'round to beat him up for no apparent reason, it's Paul Young who comes to Mike's rescue. Afterward, Mike tells Paul that he owes him one, and Paul agrees. But then Paul slips the thugs some money, and we see that they were paid to assault Mike, so Paul could be the hero and gain the upper hand on Mike.

Gaby's admirer from the previous episode has gotten creepier, breaking into her home to leave a $6,000 dress in her entryway. Terrified, Gaby asks Carlos to sleep on her couch in case the admirer/stalker comes back. When a man approaches the house with a jewelry box, Carlos tackles him, though it turns out he's only the assistant to the admirer/stalker. The assistant gets his boss on the phone, and the smooth talker wins her over so she agrees to meet him for lunch. "But you have to stop buying me these expensive gifts!" she playfully insists. "Because I'm not that kind of girl. Well, for that many carats, yes, I could be that kind of girl." To find out who Gaby's stalker is and more,

Gaby wears the pricey dress to lunch, only to find that her stalker is none other than Zach Young, now outrageously wealthy from having inherited his grandfather's money. Zach tries to convince Gaby that she needs someone to take care of her now that she is divorced. How creepy is Zach? Remember when he broke into Bree's house and decorated it for the holidays? Yikes! Anyway, Gaby tells Carlos she won't be needing his protection anymore; she's installing an alarm system and can take care of herself.

For Julie and Austin, the topic of "protection" takes on a different meaning, as they figure out how to get Julie on the Pill. She needs a guardian to sign the consent form, but she desperately does not want to ask her mother. Susan, overhearing Julie's conversation about condoms vs. the Pill, comes barreling in screeching about the perils of sex: "Do you want it to burn when you pee?! Sex kills!" Julie instead asks Edie to help her get a Pill prescription, and Edie agrees. Suspicious, Susan and Gaby search Julie's room and find the packet of birth control. Furious, Susan marches right over to tell Edie what's what. Edie tries to calm Susan by saying that Julie loves Austin and he loves her — then, Edie and Susan walk in on Austin making out with Danielle. At the end of the episode, Susan tells Julie, "I wish there were a pill that could protect your heart."

In the Scavo household, Lynette asks Tom if she can see how the pizza parlor is coming along. Having peeked at the mock up for the menu, Lynette points out an error and Tom uses that as an example of Lynette being a snarky know-it-all, to which Lynette replies, "What? I'm snarky because I point out one small, glaring mistake?" Lynette sneaks over to the pizza parlor and finds that the restaurant is coming along well but that Tom is having trouble convincing neighbors to let him have a liquor license. Lynette takes it upon herself to get the neighbors' signatures, which somehow leads to her exposing her breasts to an elderly man. When Tom discovers that Lynette got him a liquor license, he whines about how he never gets to accomplish anything. Lynette convinces Tom that they are a team, and that she would have never accomplished anything without his help.

Elsewhere on Wisteria Lane, Bree learns that she and Alma are now neighbors. Between the stress of living with Orson's mother, the suspicion surrounding Orson's involvement in Monique's murder and Alma's "coming back from the dead" (or, really, Canada), Bree's had a lot on her mind. Violently working dough, Bree exclaims, "I don't know how I'm going to bake my way out of this one!"

When Orson goes to Alma's house to confront her, Alma says she still wants him. When Orson returns home, he tells Bree that Alma is staying in the neighborhood and they'll just have to get used to it. But Bree pays Alma a visit and asks what it will take to convince Alma to move. When Alma's bird squawks "Don't tell Bree," Bree drops her lemonade, shattering glass everywhere. When she goes looking for a broom and dustpan, she happens upon a loose floorboard (that was awfully quick of Alma to create a special secret compartment to hide her secrets before she's even unpacked). Hidden below the floor is a photograph of Alma and Orson and a small black bag. Bree spills the contents of the bag onto her hand and finds... Monique's teeth!

Horrified, Bree stammers her way out of the house and goes home. At the end of the episode, we see her peer out the window at Alma, holding the teeth in one hand and a gun in the other.

Photos courtesy of ABC

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