I'm approaching three full seasons of loyal "Desperate Housewives" fandom, even sticking by it during that second season when the quality took a real nosedive. But last night's episode shook my belief in the show, possibly forever. The show was narrated by Rex, Bree's deceased first husband, and I was curious to find out how they would tie him into the series again this long after his death. But you know what? They didn't! I'm assuming it was a way to feature a kind of "male perspective," but for one thing I didn't understand why, and for another thing, Rex seems to have a pretty bitter perspective.
Usual narrator Brenda Strong gabs a bit until we get to the graveyard, where Rex takes over the narration with some bad old timers' humor: "Hi, I'm Rex. I didn't like cemeteries when I was alive. Now that I'm dead, I like 'em even less!" For more cringe-worthy details,
Rex goes on to say how grateful he is that he's dead, since his children are such massive disappointments. Then he states that suburbia is filled with miserable, "desperate" women and the hapless men who try to put up with them. Nice!
Rex then drops out of the narration as we learn about the rest of the characters. Danielle Van De Kamp is pregnant with Austin's baby. Austin has recently decided to try and win back Julie, who is still an infuriating goody-goody. Orson decides that Danielle will hide the pregnancy from everyone, and he tells Austin to leave town.
Smarmy white-haired politician Victor Land (John Slattery) manipulates his way into asking Gaby out on a date. When it's over, Gaby says they won't have any more dates. As she walks away, Victor tells his trusty sidekick that he's going to marry that woman.
It's Tom and Lynette's anniversary, and Tom wants sex while Lynette just wants a bath and an early bedtime. When he decides to change things up and surprise Lynette, things go terribly awry and she ends up sitting outside in the cold, waiting for over two hours. Later he sulkily promises no more surprises, ever. I'm pretty sure it's not the surprise part that upset her, Tom, but rather the freezing of her joints.
In one of the night's dumbest moments (and that is saying a lot!), Susan runs into Mike at the jeweler, where he's returning the engagement ring he bought for her. She is getting her engagement ring from Ian resized. Inexplicably, the jewelry lady can't find her sizer, so she tells Susan to try on Mike's ring. How would that clear up anything, besides the fact that Mike guessed the size of her finger more accurately than Ian did? Later there is a poker game involving several unlikely pairs: Orson and Mike are like dueling murder suspects, and Mike hates Ian for being with Susan, although I'm not convinced Mike really remembers who Susan is. Mike loses a game to Ian and now has to leave Ian and Susan alone.
Apparently, Carlos has become the Saint of Wisteria Lane. Does nobody remember the Carlos of Season 1, who tampered with Gaby's birth control pills without her knowing? But no, now he's best buddy to all the guys on the street and caretaker of Edie's son (and since when does Edie have a son?!).
I am baffled by much of the writing in this episode. There are several weeks before the next new show in April, so maybe they'll get their act together. Until then, I am not too happy with Wisteria Lane!
Photos copyright 2007 ABC