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Halloween: Boring and Predictable

I'm trying to figure out who will sincerely enjoy this newest spin on the Halloween movies, created by Rob Zombie. Surely, some dudes will like the naked girls — some of whom get slashed and brutalized whilst naked because, you know, that's hot. Meanwhile, there is absolutely no male nudity because that would be "gay," I guess. But as far as horror films go, this one lacks suspense almost entirely, relying on loud noises to make you jump and an extraneously high body count without any kind of intriguing lead up to the murders. So, if you think senseless violence is cool and can endure almost two hours of shrill screaming, then you may enjoy this pointless version of Halloween.

Purportedly, this version is supposed to be a kind of remake of the first Halloween movie while also providing some back story on the young, disturbed Michael Meyers who became a ruthless killer on account of both his crazy little mind and his trashy upbringing. After some general bullying at school on account of his mother being a stripper, little f-ed up Michael Meyers graphically beats the snot out of one of his schoolyard tyrants. I guess he finds this to his liking because he then goes on to off most of his family and his sister's boyfriend. He spares his mother and baby sister for unexplained reasons (except that he's just so demented, see?). That's not all there is to this "madness," though, so

Psychopath Michael Meyers is sent to an institution where he meets the kindly Dr. Samuel Loomis (Malcolm McDowell) who tries to help him, but gives up on Michael after fifteen years. By the fifteen year mark, Michael is a giant who doesn't talk and spends his time making papier-mache masks for his face. That Halloween, the institution's guards decide to move the noiseless giant who swiftly demonstrates his superhuman strength (mask-making builds muscles like you would not believe) and goes on a killing spree, trying to get to his baby sister. Despite all traces of her life as a Meyers child being wiped from the books, Michael somehow tracks her down and kills or traumatizes all the people in her life before finally reaching her.

The satisfying thing about the first Halloween movie, toward which Zombie makes several nods in his film without actually achieving the first movie's success, is how tense it is with terrible things that may or may not happen. When a monstrous, bloodthirsty he-man just gruesomely murders everyone in his path — and nobody has even the slightest chance of survival against him — it's not so much suspenseful as it is biding one's time until the body count includes the entire cast. The tidbits of information on Michael Meyers' childhood are not interesting enough to make the movie worthwhile. Simply put, it's boring.

Photos courtesy of The Weinstein Company

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