Does anyone else instantly start singing that mid-'90s song by Jann Arden upon seeing the title of this episode? Or is that just me?
Anyway, love is in the air on this Valentine's Day episode of "House" — er, make that meaningless sex and botched dates. House spends the episode mostly concerned with two things: getting a spinal nerve from a 16-year-old car crash victim who can't feel pain and breaking up the blind date Cuddy has arranged for herself.
The crash victim, Hannah, appears to be perfectly fine at first. But House is fascinated by her pain-free life, given that he's always in pain — which Cuddy spells out for us about five minutes into the episode, thus ruining my chance to feel insightful. Hannah isn't into being experimented on, but when she develops a fever, the doctors keep her around until they figure out what's wrong, so
House is even more devious than I expected: His plan is to get a biopsy of the girl's spinal nerve so he can attempt to grow a whole little garden of pain-free nerves and inject them into his leg. Wilson guilt-trips him out of doing it, but not before telling House he's sick of having to be his conscience.
Luckily, Wilson doesn't interfere with House's plans to interrupt Cuddy's blind date. My favorite line of the night, after House learns that Cuddy wore a scarf so the date can easily identify her: "You could have left the scarf at home and just told him you'd be wearing a look of desperation." Also great is the fact that Cuddy met the guy on a Web site for single ballroom dance lovers.
After the date, House finds a lame excuse to show up at Cuddy's door. Always mindful of Cuddy's breasts, House realizes she's not wearing a bra because the guy is inside. Cuddy asks House if he likes her — how very junior high! maybe tomorrow he'll pass her a note! — and he says no, he's just an evil bastard who wants to mess with other people's happiness. If that's the case, mission accomplished, because the date realizes Cuddy's way too into her job — and, possibly, way too into House — and bails.
Meanwhile, the doctors figure out that Hannah's symptoms stem from a vitamin deficiency, and House assumes that something must be gobbling up the vitamins from Hannah's system. That something is an incredibly long tapeworm, which House extracts, inch by nasty inch, from Hannah's belly while she's awake and watching. She must not be able to feel disgust, either.
I know nothing's more lovey-dovey than tapeworm, but there are a couple of other nuggets of romance before this episode is out. Foreman tells Cameron she married a dying man because she was afraid of commitment, which is a fine thing for Foreman to say, because he then breaks up with the nurse I didn't even know he was still dating.
Cameron, on the other hand, decides a lack of commitment is a good thing and announces to Chase that they should have sex. Like, right now. Because they're healthy and busy and they work together so it's convenient. Chase realizes Cameron has basically just described the rationale for eating microwave pizza, but he seems to take her up on the offer. Ah, tapeworms and meaningless sex — just another day at the office.
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