Of course, I knew "Pirate Master" was going to be silly, but this week's premiere episode was more absurd than I was expecting. Basically, it feels like a parody of a reality show, not an actual series that anyone should take seriously. I recommend watching it very late at night, when you've already got the giggles. Here were some of the most over-the-top moments:
- First of all, how did they make a pirate show without a plank? Nobody walks the plank; instead, the rejected wannabe pirate gets lowered onto a raft and then literally set adrift ... where I'm sure he or she travels about 15 feet before being rescued by a team of CBS producers.
- Nothing about this show is even remotely real. The lagoon where the "pirates" carried out their challenges looked basically like "Six Flags Over Blackbeard," with super-fake skeletons dangling from trees and artfully-placed slimy moss. And there's no way those crabs just happened to find their way in to the chest filled with the $40,000 in gold coins. Speaking of which, isn't that a remarkably round figure for coins that were supposedly buried hundreds of years ago?
- The outfits Joe Don and the officers got after their election looked way more like Civil War reenactment costumes than pirate gear.
- John, we hardly knew ye ... and your "scientist/exotic dancer" self. Granted, he was a little crazy and looked like a refugee from an '80s hair-metal band and made me uncomfortable, but he would have been fun to watch for a few more weeks.
- Not a single "yarrrrrr" all episode, people! Not a single "ahoy" or "matey," either! C'mon, pirates, you've got to step it up.
Photo courtesy of CBS