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Recap, Quotes, and Video From The Office Episode "Secret Santa"

The Office, "Secret Santa": Best Lines of the Night and Video!

It's a Christmas miracle! After an uber disappointing storyline on The Office last week, this week saw a return to funny jokes that made me laugh out loud. The Dunder Mifflin crew is celebrating their holiday with a Secret Santa swap, and Phyllis dresses up as old St. Nick (much to Michael's chagrin). By the end, the whole crew is celebrating good cheer with karaoke. (Dwight does Green Day)!

I'm excited to relive this episode, so let's begin with my favorite zingers!

  • "Whoever is giving me the 12 Days of Christmas as my Secret Santa, please stop. I can't take it anymore. My cat killed a turtle dove, the French hens have started pulling out my hair to make a nest, please stop."—Erin
    Andy begged to have Erin as his Secret Santa giftee as a chance to romance her, but things go horribly wrong as she shows up to work with giant scratches and we watch her go out to her car, which now has six geese in it — or is it seven swans? Whatever the case, I loved this whole hilarious scenario right up to Andy leading the 12 drummers drumming.

For more great lines, including a video of Michael Scott as Jesus (yes, Jesus),


  • "For the past several weeks, my Secret Santa has been giving me pieces of a machine that I have been attempting to assemble. I am suspicious of this because I had the exact same idea for catching Osama bin Laden. I would simply send him a different piece each day; he would assemble it to find himself . . . in jail."—Dwight
    Dwight gets metal parts from his Secret Santa and spends the entire episode trying to figure out what it is (even assembling it into a gun at one point). What it actually is: a nutcracker. Even better, Dwight says the line while wearing his elf costume.
  • "If this were Russia, sure, everyone would go to one Santa, and there would be a line around the block. And once you sat on her lap and she asked you what you wanted, you would say probably freedom, at which point the KGB would arrest you and send you to Siberia. It's a good thing Russia doesn't exist anymore."
    Once Michael realizes that Phyllis is dressed as Santa too, he comes up with all kinds of wisecracks and ploys to justify keeping his costume.

  • "Why pay more to sit next to old Tranny Claus over there when you can sit on my lap? Phyllis is only pretending to be a man. I'm the real thing. Sit down on my lap and there will be no doubt (pause). No, no, it's not like penis-wise."—Michael
    Tranny Claus? OK, I admit that I love this quote even though it's misogynistic and wrong in every way. Michael tries to convince his co-workers to sit on his lap, and only Kevin gives in. Once Kevin does plant himself on Michael, he doesn't know what to ask for as Michael squirms under the weight. Totally awkward-funny.

  • Phyllis: "Stanley, ho, ho, ho, you've been very good this year."
    Stanley: "I have."
    Michael: "Yeah, except for cheating on your wife. Adultery is a sin. Look it up in the Bible, people. What did he get?"
    Kevin: "He got scented candles."
    Michael: "Oh, well, that's appropriate, lot of fire where you're going. Better get used to it. You're going to H-E-L-L double hockey sticks."

    When Michael can't beat Phyllis's Santa, he turns his costume inside out and poses as Jesus instead. He starts condemning his co-workers, including calling Toby the Antichrist. When he touches Toby's forehand and makes a sizzling sound, I just about died. To watch that part again — and trust me, you'll want to — check out the video:

Do you agree that this week is an improvement from last week's episode? Do you have a favorite line or moment that I missed? I'm still smiling about when Kelly squeals over an Edward Cullen New Moon poster as her Secret Santa gift. And I cannot wait to see what happens with the brewing romance between Oscar and the cute warehouse guy, Matt.

Weigh in with your thoughts in the comments, or head on over to The Office! group in the BuzzSugar Community.

Photo and videos courtesy of NBC

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