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Why I Hate Wearing Tights

Dear Tights, We're Just Not That Into You

Dear Tights,
I've had something on my mind for the past few months – I guess it started around December. I've been itching to make a change, and now that the weather's warmed, it's time to do a little Spring cleaning. It's not you, it's me — no wait, it is you, because, tights, you suck. And here's why we need to end this relationship:

  1. You Hurt Me: Maybe I was out a little late the night before, and perhaps I ate and drank a bit too much. But having to hear about it all day from my control-top waistband? Not cool.
  2. You Lie: Remember that time when you swore you were black, and I wore you to work with an LBD? I made it all the way to my desk until it hit me under those harsh Halogen lights that you were in fact brown.
  3. You Can't Go the Distance: It's not my fault that I'm 5'11" and my legs are long. It shouldn't be an Olympic event hiking you up each and every morning (and several times throughout the day).
  4. You're Clingy: If I wanted my dress to adhere itself to my butt, I'd have worn a tighter dress. But as it is, I'm giving everyone around me a show when I remove my coat to reveal the delightful (and sometimes shocking) effects of static.
  5. You Split on Me: It's news to me if tights are only meant to be worn once or twice before they tear at the briefest contact with a chipped nail, the corner of a table, or the New York City sidewalk.
  6. You're Too Needy: You can't be alone for a second, because as soon as I take off my dress, things get ugly (and by things, I mean you).
  7. You Smell: There, I said it. Cleaning up after you is no bed of roses — it's not like I can just toss you in the washing machine with my gym socks.
  8. You're Not Pants: Let's face it, in the realm of legwear, you'll always come in second place.

Don't try to fight it — I've found someone new, and I think we'll be very happy together. And, maybe after a Summer of going it on my own (and remembering how irritating daily shaving, bronzing, and moisturizing can be), I'll have a change of heart.

See you in September,
Randy

Image Source: IMAXTREE
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gia71 gia71 1 year

I really love tights.

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