Nothing in parenting remains the same from day to day — nothing except the presence of feelings! Feelings are part of life, part of being a child, and definitely part of parenting. Because your child is growing quickly, her feelings change from one moment to the next. That means your parenting solutions have to change, too.
It’s generally great when your child makes new friends at school, but Jessica L. points out that even in kindergarten there are some exceptions. With several girls in her 5-year-old daughter's class claiming that they already have "boyfriends" whom they kiss, Jessica is urging her daughter to steer clear. “This is kindergarten,” she asserts. “I don’t want my daughter to be exposed to this."
Amanda C. says she, too, is feeling uncomfortable about her daughter's premature interest in boys. The 6-year-old ran up to her, happy as can be, to announce that she had her first boyfriend. “Let’s just say I was not happy at all," says Amanda. And Priscilla C., whose friendly 7-and-a-half-year-old also has a boyfriend, is fretting about whether she should do something about it.
Here, Circle of Moms members offer three key tips on what to do when your young gradeschooler wants (or claims to have) a “boyfriend” or “girlfriend.”
1. Keep it in Perspective
It’s fairly common for grade schoolers to be curious and mimic adults, so moms shouldn’t worry too much when children want boyfriends and girlfriends — or even if they say they want to “get married,” Circle of Moms members say. In fact, many members recall having similar relationships at that age.
“It’s very typical, especially for girls. The earliest boyfriend I can remember is from kindergarten, 32 years ago,” says mom Susan P. “After the bell rang, we would walk out of the school together, holding hands. When we reached our mothers, we would always give a peck on the lips to each other even though both our mothers told us to stop. Thinking back, to me, this was a friendly kiss and I saw my parents kiss, so why couldn't I?” Why worry, says Susan, when at such a “tender age,” kids don’t actually know what a boyfriend or girlfriend is? Whatever they're doing, it's more than likely "pretty harmless."
Charlene W. agrees that such “relationships” are normal and innocent, sharing that she and her sister always had “boyfriends” at that age. “My sister was engaged like 10 times before she was 7. One little boy even gave her a ring that he got out of a bubble gum machine!”
Carolee Y., too, recalls she had her first "boyfriend" the first day she went to school. “All that meant was that we sat on the bus together. It's a normal thing to go through,” she stresses.
What "Boyfriend" and "Girlfriend" Really Mean
Several moms also point out the influence of TV shows, especially shows about teens, that depict adult and peer relationships. “Children to want to imitate what they see. And even if your own child isn't watching any of these, the fact is, their friends are,” explains a member named Twana. “Part of growing up is imitating what you see, trying [on] your different hats, and figuring out who you want to be when you grow up . . . My take on the whole thing [is to] let [your little girl] have a ‘boyfriend,’ but make sure she knows that means she can have a boy who is a friend.”
After all, Jeanet G. reasons, “Sometimes grown-ups see things with grown-up eyes and not with a child’s, where it's completely innocent and friendly.” Ruby P. also notes that, "As parents, it can be hard to remember that children see this world so differently than we do. And it is our reaction and response that can slowly snatch their innocence away and put more into their minds."
Jenn H. agrees, noting that, "it all carries a different meaning to a child than it does an adult." She also feels that there's no reason for a mom to worry, "unless a child is unhappy or uncomfortable with the affection received by another."
2. Acknowledge the Affection
In fact, several members say, it might be best for moms to not only to hide any disapproval, but to recognize a child's relationship. “It is important not to get too fussed about it and just let her understand she is really too young for the kind of relationships she sees on TV,” advises Moji B.. Jennifer G. chimes in to second this: “Honestly the bigger deal you make out of it, the more fun it is [for your child] to tell you."
The upside to acknowledging these relationships is that when you are open with your kids, they learn to feel comfortable telling you things. "When they sneak is when we are in trouble," explains Laura E.. This openness, says Sharon G., gives parents a way to "caution [children] about being too young to [physically] do anything.”
Dawn D. suggests responding to a child's desire for a boyfriend or girlfriend by asking what having one actually means to her. "This may give you a better picture of [her interpretation]. You can guide the conversation from there.”
For example, when Anne C.’s 7-year-old son talks about which girls in his class have asked if they can be his girlfriend, Anne turns the conversation into a lesson about “how private parts are private and not for them to touch or [be touched].”
And because Ruby P. didn’t want to “taint” her son’s ideas about kissing, but also didn’t want him sharing germs and kissing others, she “told him that kissing and sharing food and drinks are a no-no because you can get very sick or cause someone else to get sick, [be]cause you never know who has the cold bug."
3. Explain Appropriate and Inappropriate Behavior
While you don’t want your child to feel bad, it’s a good idea to teach appropriate and inappropriate relationship behavior, advises Julie G. “If children form their ideas about reading, writing, and table manners at six, they also form their ideas about relationships and dating at six, and it is never too young to start teaching them about healthy ones,” she says.
Consequently, a mom named Michelle, whose own grade school-aged daughter always seems to have a boyfriend, suggests counteracting the pressure kids may feel to "date" by encouraging them to focus elsewhere:
“We never encouraged her behavior, instead tried to discourage [the] feeling [that] she always ‘needed’ to have one, and worked on building up her self-esteem.”
Other moms take the opportunity to discuss body boundaries. Steph A., for instance, told her 5-year-old daughter that she doesn’t belong to any of the three boys she calls her "boyfriends," and that there are limits on touching:
“We talk about touching; no boy or girl or adult can touch her in the privates, and no kissing on the mouth . . . But she can give hugs to both girls and boys as long as it's in a respectable way. Kisses, well those are given only to close friends and family.”
Another mom, Prescilla, whose twin daughters are now 17, offers some perspective on this behavior from when her girls were younger and would play with boys as though they were "boyfriends":
"They would go 'round hugging and kissing and holding hands, as they did with the girls, and they would play families with dolls, etc. As they got older they would come home from school and tell us they had a ‘boyfriend,’ and we would use the opportunity to talk to them about love, relationships, marriage, and having a family in a simplistic way to start. At this age I have concluded it is about building relationships and about trust,” she says. The early guidance you give, she adds, “will pay off.”
So, “just set your family morals and constantly re-enforce these . . . Act as the voice of reason while they are trying to develop their own,” Michelle adds.
Then, take comfort in the fact that “they are just growing up — this is what they do,” Jacqui H. concludes. “They will grow out of it and soon be repulsed by the opposite sex.”
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The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.
Ashly F.'s five-year-old was suspended from the school bus because he does not listen: "He has never acted this bad before in preschool, nor has he ever acted this bad at home or done any of the things he is doing at school at home. I am so lost as to what to do," laments this Circle of Moms member.
Schenequa N.’s six-year-old was suspended for bringing his toy Nerf gun to school. "I don’t think that’s fair [be]cause he is only six years old [and] in the first grade and doesn’t know the difference. All he knows is that it’s a toy. Any suggestions on what I am to do?" she asks the Circle of Moms community.
As these two moms share, it’s very hard to get a phone call from the school principal informing you that you child is suspended. School suspensions are generally handed down for serious infractions: violent or disruptive behavior, or bringing weapons or drugs to school, and you may become fearful that you have a problem child. But when a suspension happens during the grade school years, more often than not the offensive action that caused the suspension is somewhat tame when compared to issues posed by older children.
So how should you react? Circle of Moms suggest preceding calmly. Here are four tips to guide you.
1. Get to the Root of the Problem
When your child is suspended from school, the school will notify you of the reason for and length of the suspension. Circle of Moms members recommend seeing it as a flag that you need to delve a little deeper into whatever is going on with your child. "First off, get to the bottom of what is causing the problem behavior, and if it is truly problem behavior in the first place," suggests Amanda R. Bad behavior in the grade school years typically stems from another problem, and is not usually because the child is intentionally trying to be heinous, and Amanda cites numerous news reports of elementary school children being suspended for accidentally bringing a dangerous object to school, or for taking legitimate medication on school grounds.
"Typically when children act out, they are seeking attention of some sort. Whether it be more affection, one-on-one time, or even negative attention (like the kind they receive when they are naughty). Something is definitely going on with your child that you need to address," agrees a mom named Leah J., adding that parents might try getting down on the child's level and asking him "why he is acting naughty."
There might be a very good reason, she says. For example, some children lash out when they're angry or being picked on at school. "Is he getting the same treatment at school? Does he possibly have a learning disability? Sometimes children that aren't on the same academic level as other students in the class will act out and get in trouble because then it takes the focus away from the real issue. I would explore those things and see if any of them bring you a conclusion."
Heather W. suggests another line of questioning: "Ask him what he had fun doing at school. Try to bring out the positive things he did and see who he is playing with. This should help you figure out what is causing the problem."
If your child is suspended for bringing a weapon-like object or toy to school, consider it a teachable moment, suggests Erin J. In Shenequa’s case, for example, the period of suspension “is a great opportunity" to explain why bringing toy guns to school is a bad idea.
2. Visit the School
When your child is suspended, it’s important to make a personal visit to the school to find out first-hand what caused the suspension and also to observe the environment. “Arrange a meeting with the teacher to talk about the issues,” recommends Sarah C.
“There's almost certainly something going on under the surface that you need to understand before you can help your [child] change her behavior for the better,” Sylvia H. says.
Even if you agree with the suspension, it helps to bring these issues to light with the administrative staff, moms say.
And if you believe the suspension is unwarranted, then the in-person visit is a good time to make your case. "If your son has never caused any trouble and is a good kid, they should realize it was an innocent thing that happened," Emilie B. tells Shenequa. A mom named Sarah mentions other common underlying issues that you should bring to the attention of the teacher or principal: your child is reacting to bullying or to a teacher who is taking a negative approach with him. "One thing [you should] not tolerate is hearing only one side of a story," adds Rita D., and Sherri C. points out that a parent needs to be her child's advocate.
3. Seek Expert Advice
If there are legitimate behavioral problems that led to the suspension, then the school staff or your pediatrician may be able to recommend an expert to turn to for advice. In responding to fellow Circle of Moms member Jaimie A.’s concern about her 7-year-old’s suspension for behavioral issues, AnnMarie suggests seeking out psycho-educational testing. “It is a wonderful tool, and can lead to the development of a solid behavioral plan targeted to helping your child overcome his specific issues.”
Kim, another member, endorses the value of a professional opinion. When her 9-year-old was acting out at school she had him tested at a pediatric clinic for ADHD and discovered that his behavioral problems were a result of Asperger’s Syndrome.
An outside expert may be able to provide parents with a “solid road map” to help address overall behavioral problems. Otherwise, says AnnMarie, addressing isolated behaviors or incidents will wind up being a bit haphazard.
4. Don’t Dole Out Additional Punishment
Finally, Circle of Moms recommend that given that your child has already been suspended, it’s not necessary to dole out additional punishments.
"I personally don’t think you should punish [your child] at home when she has already been punished in school," Sarah C. says. "This will only lead to her being secretive about what has happened at school, when you really need to be keeping the lines of communication open."
Remember, adds JuLeah W., your goal is to teach your child, not punish him: "I knew a boy who would act out everyday almost ... the teacher did the same dumb thing; sent him to the office. Well, turns out, the kid didn't understand the math and was too embarrassed to admit he needed help. He acted out each day before math, was sent to the office for the math lesson and avoided what he didn't want to deal with — of course getting further and further behind in math in the process," she says.
Consequently, she adds, when your child acts out, "[keep in mind she] is attempting to tell you something very important with the only language she has: her behavior. You have to learn how to listen to her.
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The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.
With the holiday season upon us, it's certain our children's manners will come under the spotlight– as when Grandma glares across the table after your nine-year-old burps loudly. Or when the relatives are gathered around the tree and your kids rip through gifts without a thank you. Circle of Moms member Deangela D. speaks for many of her peers when she says it’s important to take major preemptive steps to avoid etiquette snafus during the holiday season: "The way to really enjoy your kids is to teach them how to treat other people," she says.
Parents looking to keep their holiday gatherings merry will appreciate some tried-and-true strategies for teaching kids good holiday manners – before the clan is seated around the holiday table. From table manners to 'thank you' notes, Circle of Moms members offer this etiquette primer for the holidays.
1. Set Expectations Ahead Of Time
Noone wants the relatives to conclude that their child is a brat, and many Circle of Moms members say that the best way to preempt this is to stop bad manners before they start by establishing rules for behavior and good manners ahead of time. "Setting expectations is important," says Wendy M. To prepare your kids for a visit to relatives' homes she suggests telling your children in advance that they must be relatively quiet and remain in their seats and that "they will be expected to behave." If they've been prepared beforehand, she explains, "a reprimand for acting out won't be a surprise." And don't forget to praise them "for a job well done" if they are well behaved.
A mom of four named Amy agrees that it works best to teach table manners before family gatherings. Her children like to clown around at the dinner table, so she "manner coaches" them pre-holiday gatherings, explaining to them that at other people's houses there are more limits: "You have to stay in your seat, sitting, not standing or sliding under. No yelling, respect others, and there is prayer time before the meal."
Ninouska D., a mom of five, recommends warning ahead of time that there will be consequences for improper behavior. "Tell your kids that you will be taking away things that are special to them if they don’t behave during family gatherings," she recommends.
2. Focus on the Manners Most Important to You
Amid the holiday season's many family meals, visiting relatives, and gift exchanges, Candi H., Lexi T. and others see opportunities for teaching kids what they see as the most critical of good manners.
Candi focuses on teaching her kids to listen politely and on not interrupting when others are speaking.
Daphe J. works hard to train her kids about gift acceptance etiquette, specifically by saying thank you for each one received.
Lexi wants her children to learn to be respectful to all those visiting adult relatives. "Disrespect is just not tolerated in my home. We do not allow children to address adults by their first name unless some sort of title is used first (Mr., Miss, Mrs., Coach, etc.)," she says.
3. Offer Incentives and Disincentives
Moms sometimes have to be creative to coax or inspire good manners. Amber B. offers incentives for good holiday behavior, a proven tactic she borrowed from her mom. "My mother was strict about us having impeccable table manners," she explains. "However, on Sunday nights we were allowed to watch TV while eating dinner. Perhaps if you have one or two nights a week where your children can have fun (a carpet picnic, watching TV) and they know they can just be themselves, then maybe it will be easier to enforce the table manners on the rest of the days."
Kathryn J. has created a "swear/fart jar" to keep her kids from belching and swearing at the dinner table (or anywhere for that matter). "If anyone uses a slang/swear word, money is paid in the jar. If anyone farts anywhere other than in the bathroom, then they pay too," she says.
4. Teach Gratitude
There’s nothing more cringe inducing to in-laws than seeing kids who are old enough to know better ripping up gifts and tossing them aside without saying thank you, says a mom named Toni. She is vigilant about teaching her children to be thankful for the gifts given them at the holidays. "Learning to say 'please,' 'thank you,' 'excuse me,' and 'sorry' are incredibly important," she says. Mary R. agrees, and focuses on teaching her kids to show gratitude in writing: "I'm huge on 'thank you' cards," she explains. (For more on teaching gratitude, see How to Teach a Child About Being Grateful.)
5. Lead By Example
Finally, if you want your kids to behave, it's critical to be a good role model. "Your children learn from you," says Kim W. "If you show that you are grateful, then the act will pass itself along to your children." As an example, she suggests making sure your children see that you always say 'thank you' and 'you're welcome' to others.
What are your family's rules for good holiday manners?
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The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.
A few years ago I read a Dear Abby letter that really stuck with me. It was from a distraught mom who signed off as “Alone in the Kitchen.” The poor woman sounded so beaten down and well, clueless as she described how her adult daughters arrive for the holidays each year expecting the guest treatment.
For some mysterious reason, these able-bodied young women never offered to help dear old Mumsie with the cleaning, shopping, or cooking for the Big Feast. Instead, they sat on the couch for a few days, snacking, texting, and watching movies, until Mom slumped to the linoleum and whimpered like a pathetic dog, begging for help. At which point the princesses would roll their eyes and deign to lift a sponge for a fleeting moment, before trotting off and abandoning Mom again.
I read and fumed. But my anger wasn’t aimed at the daughters as much Mom. Where did she think her lovelies learned to act like royalty at home? How in the world had they reached adulthood totally lacking the common courtesy to pitch in?
"Dear Alone in the Kitchen"
Abby called out Mom for overindulging, but I gave her response a C+ because Abby neglected to offer Mom any solutions. If it had been my column, here’s what I would have said:
"Dear Alone in the Kitchen,
Are you wondering where your girls picked up their sense of entitlement? Look in the mirror because it’s self-reflection time. If you really want to change the dynamic in your family this holiday season and forevermore, start with an apology. I’m serious! You have failed to teach your children the first thing about being helpful. Instead, you’ve taught them that their job is to sit back and let you cater to them. You’ve also held them back from developing a cooperative spirit by rewarding their self-centeredness. Admit the ugly truth. Forgive yourself. Apologize. And move forward, quickly, because you’ve got a turkey to stuff!"
There are always things that need to be done to make a home livable. (Of course, living in a home is what makes it messy, but we can’t get around that, can we?) Whether you’re prepping for a special holiday event or needing to dive into seasonal household chores, make a master task list. Gather the troops, post the document, and announce to your family, “Here’s what needs to get done. Which tasks are you taking responsibility for?” (Speak as assertively as possible. No shouting, asking, pleading, guilt-tripping, etc.) If you lack confidence in someone’s promise to help (due to past flakiness) then get it in writing. After each self-selected assignment, smile, and in your best coach voice say, “Thanks. We’re all counting on you. And when will you have that done?”
Creating a New, More Cooperative Pattern
My personal, unscientific research clearly indicates that when we want something completed, the chance of cooperation drops to less than 20 percent when our request comes in the form of a spineless question like, “Can someone please help me?” (“No thanks.”) “Can I ask you a favor?” (“Sure, but I’m not doing it.”) “Do you have a minute?” (“Not now, Mom.”) See what I mean? Instead, try this: “Hey guys, I need some help in here.” See the difference? It’s a statement, not a question. Practice on your own so there is no trace of pleading in your voice.
Breaking family patterns isn’t easy, but it’s easier than breaking your back doing all the work with little or no cooperation from anyone. It’s also better for your soon-to-be young adult children to notice the needs of others—essential in teaching them to be good people.
As for any mom who believes that she must do it all single-handedly otherwise she won’t be loved and appreciated, please allow me to set you straight. You are already loved, appreciated, and admired. And when it comes to holiday celebrations, if you do much more than your fair share, you may end up with a sore back and feelings of resentment. And where’s the holiday spirit in that?
So teach your children to help. Otherwise, how can they possibly learn to make a killer Thanksgiving dinner on their own some day? And how will they teach your future grandkids to be helpful people at home and out in the world?
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The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.
"Does anyone else out there have an extremely shy child?" asks Circle of Moms member Briana. She worries that her six-year-old daughter doesn’t want to do things that other kids her age do. "I can't figure out what to do to make her any less shy and want to join in," Briana frets.
It used to be that people assumed a shy child would outgrow her shyness. But a recent study by researchers at Vanderbilt University published in the February 2012 journal Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience suggests this isn't true. It seems shyness is a personality trait that is determined by the unique way a person’s brain gets used to the unfamiliar.
If shyness is a personality trait, is it possible to help your socially hesitant child become more involved and less on the sidelines? While you can’t change shy, there are some ways to approach and coach your child to accept new situations with a little more ease. Here I've rounded up five of them, as shared by Circle of Moms members.
1. Avoid Labeling Your Child
The more you tell your child or the people around her that she's "just shy" as a way to explain her behavior, the more likely it is that she'll believe something essential is wrong with her, says Alison S. Renowned pediatrician and parenting expert Dr. William Sears says that if you must describe your child’s behavior, try using more neutral words like "private" or "reserved."
2. Acknowledge Your Child's Discomfort
Your child knows she's not as outgoing as other kids and others know it, too, so there’s no point in pretending that it’s not true. Instead, says mom Megan H., "Just keep encouraging her that she is normal and not to worry so much about it."
3. Continue Introducing New Experiences
Sheltering a shy child from new experiences doesn’t help her learn how to cope with them, but nor does forcing her to jump right in. In fact, this approach can cause extreme anxiety. Keep to a middle ground, suggests several Circle of Moms members.
As Meyrha M. recommends, try staying with your child at birthday parties or sports practices until she's a little more comfortable. Judith B. didn’t push her son to join extracurricular activities, but did sign him up for language lessons to help him gain some independence.
4. Help Build Self-Esteem
Tara says it’s not her daughter’s shyness that bothers her as much as the concern that she will be a "follower" who's unable to stick up for herself. It’s a worry that many moms of shy children share, but it’s not insurmountable.
As parenting coach and RoundUp contributor Sharon Silver points out in her article, The Key to Building Your Child’s Self-Esteem, they key is to use specific praise to tell your child exactly what she's done well in a situation.
You can also help build a shy child's self esteen by setting up situations in which she is sure to succeed. For instance, a member named Tara has her child order her own drink and food at restaurants. She says this is helping her gain some independence and that she is gradually becoming less shy and more comfortable in unfmiliar situations.
5. Teach Basic Social Skills
For kids who are painfully shy, even the most basic social skills are difficult to manage. Go slow: start simply by expecting your child to look up when she's speaking to you, and to speak loud enough to be heard. Once she's comfortable doing so with you, you can ask her to apply these social skills when she's around familiar people.
As your shy child gets older, Alison S. suggests trying to put her in situations where she has to practice her social skills. Both Alison and another member, Rebecca P., have found that a drama class or club is a good place to start.
Shyness may be biological, but it doesn’t have to hem in your child's entire future. With a little understanding and support, she will find her way. It just might take a little bit longer.
Related Reading: Five Friendship Problems Kids Face and How to Help
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The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.
Recently I received a question on Twitter: “Do you have any suggestions for teaching a preschooler appreciation for [a] gift given to him, even if he doesn’t like it?” Circle of Moms posed a similar question to its members: “How do you teach a child to be grateful?," and many parents chimed in. All of this tells me this is an issue in many homes.
When a child says “please” and “thank you” during the early years (18 months–age 3), it’s pretty much a rote expression, automatic and mechanical. If you think about it, you probably had to prompt your child by saying, “What do you say?” so he would remember to express thanks. At that age, most young children don’t fully understand the social graces behind saying please and thank you; they just know they’re supposed to say them.
At around ages 4-6, when a child begins going through the developmental phases that ignite independence and assertiveness, is when refusing to say thank you can rear its head. Not saying “thank you” isn’t really about misbehaving, it’s more about the fact that the child doesn’t have a fully formed habit of saying “thank you” when he receives something he don’t like. They’re not old enough to understand all the complexities of using social graces. They need to be taught, without punishment, so they can learn.
Four Proactive Ways to Teach Appreciation
Teaching a child to be grateful, like most things in parenting, is not a one shot deal, it’s an ongoing process. Most parents are embarrassed when their child doesn’t say thank you, and rightfully so. However, if all you do is correct and punish after your child hasn’t said thank you, then the teaching moment easily can become a power struggle, not a lesson.
1. Model, model, and model some more.
Let your kids see you say thank you, a lot. When you’re given a gift or someone does something nice for you, say thank you. Say thank you to the cashier or the dry cleaner. Let your child know that when normal things happen, you express gratitude.
2. Point out details.
Make a habit of pointing out the little details you like about things. Share what you like in the pictures they draw, compliment how nicely they’re eating, how quickly they got dressed, how they stopped what they were doing so they could listen to you. This not only builds rock solid self-esteem, it also helps a child understand how to pick out one detail he does like from a gift he didn’t like, so he can genuinely say thank you. After all, no parent wants to hear, “Saying thank you for something I hate is lying!”
3. Donate.
We had a rule in our house: about a week before each birthday or holiday, the kids had to survey their toys and clothes and pick out a few things to donate to those who were less fortunate. To avoid possible last minute hesitation about giving something away that was theirs, the kids were in charge of packing up the stuff and I was in charge of delivery. We also made sure to praise them for their generosity so they could see how the whole process worked.
4. Practice makes perfect.
This is especially true when it comes to teaching appreciation. Give your child opportunities to do nice things for others in the family. This teaches him about learning to extend kindness, and about receiving appreciation in return.
If your goal is to release a respectful, well mannered child into the world, then please know that refusing to say please and thank you does come up over and over again as they age. If you’re embarrassed, try saying, “Please excuse her, we’re working on social graces, again."
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The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.
Like a lot of parents, Shannin T. experiences daily fights over homework. “I can’t get my 8-year-old to do his homework without a major fight, and I mean major,” laments this frustrated Circle of Moms member.
Kids hate homework and will try anything to get out of it. Homework time can turn into a screaming match with threats and nasty comments being slung back and forth. Words like lazy, slowpoke, unfocused, and procrastinator can slip from a parent's mouth, all in the name of trying to motivate a child to do his homework!
Unlocking the "I Can't Do It" Chant
“Yes you can — get going right now.” Parents think saying that is the perfect mix of support and self-esteem building, sprinkled with a dash of motivation. But just saying that is rarely enough to get homework done without a battle.
To unlock the “I can’t chant,” look at the clues your child's behavior sends. Does he take the speedy approach to getting homework done? Does she fidget or procrastinate? Or is he dreamy and spaced out? Once you see what’s behind his inability to focus, you can begin offering some of the options in this article to see what unlocks the “I can’t chant”.
Here are seven new ways to help kids get focused — and get their homework done.
1. Start with a Snack
Feeding the brain is a smart thing to do. Protein with a little carbs will do wonders to reinvigorate a child after a long day at school.
2. Get Large Muscles Moving
The school day is filled with sitting, listening, and following rules. When the kids get home they want and need to move their large muscles. Institute a new rule: the first 30 minutes after snack is to be spent doing aerobic exercise. No video or computer games. Exercise invigorates the brain, creates the ability to focus, releases the fidgety feelings, and moves a child from a dreamy state to a more focused state.
3. Change Homework Locations
Education expert Ann Dolin says new research has shown that changing homework locations can have a stimulating affect on a child. Instead of always making a child sit at the same desk in the same room, switch it up and see what happens. Spend a week allowing your child to do his homework in another room, then at the kitchen table, then on the floor with lap desk, or let him stand at a desk or table while he works. See what ends up producing more productivity.
4. Help Your Child Sit Still and Focus
Some kids crave movement. My son moved while he did everything. Did he have sensory issues? No; he was a physical and tactile learner. He needed to move and touch things in order to focus.
To help a child focus, give him a way to manage his need for sensory input by giving him a set of worry beads, Bucky Balls or a massage roll. This allows him to squeeze or roll an object in his hand, which shifts the brain from craving sensory stimulation to being able to concentrate.
5. Segment Homework Time
Homework can seem like an endless, dull chore. To help a child focus on the task at hand, break homework time into segments. Use a timer set for ten minutes. Tell your child he needs to remain really focused for the next ten minutes and get as much done as he can. When the timer goes off, he gets to decide if he wants to continue working or take a break. If he wants a five-minute break send him out to use his large muscles. He can run around the driveway five times or play basketball and when the timer goes off he needs to come in and finish homework.
6. Eliminate Sibling Distraction
Some kids create trouble during homework time because they can hear their siblings playing. To avoid that, create quiet time. Everyone in the house has to do quiet activities so no one disturbs anyone doing homework.
7. What to Say When Your Child Won't Cooperate
If lack of cooperation creeps back in to the homework routine, ask your child this:
“Which way do you like doing homework — where you have some choices and no yelling, or the old way? If you like the new way, then you need to cooperate or you’ll be showing me you’re too young to do things this way and we’ll have to let you grow a bit before we try again."
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The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.
Katherine W. is feeling anxious about disciplining her child. This Circle of Moms member wonders, “What is the world coming to when a mother can be so angry at her child that she yells so loud that if you were an outsider looking in you'd think, Oh my god, that’s no way to talk to a child.”
Her question gave me pause. Over the years I've shown parents how to correct behavior, enforce rules, apply boundaries, and reduce power struggles through Proactive Parenting. But I haven’t spent as much time as I would have liked talking about how love factors into correcting behavior.
You may be thinking, “I know what love is, how it feels and how to give it,” and indeed you do. But have you thought about the different forms love can take as you correct behavior?
When it comes to correcting a child’s behavior, love must be present. If you think about it, correcting behavior and love are two sides of the same coin! They need to be used together in order to create high impact lessons that activate change.
Yes, it’s true that unconditional love means to love your child no matter what, and that’s as it should be. However, if you look closer at the definition of unconditional love you’ll find it also means that you don’t rescue or interrupt the struggles your child must face in order to learn. Children must learn from the consequences of their actions while you lovingly support them.
Recently a parent asked me, “Why is it I never think to use love when I’m correcting my child. I only think about how mad my son makes me, then angrily send him to timeout, and maybe offer love later. It’s exactly how I was treated as a child, and even though I hated it, it’s what I do now with my own child. Why do I do that?”
Why We Fall Back on Anger
1. Parents think anger, when correcting behavior, is a key ingredient to making changes. Not so. Which do you prefer, being yelled at or calmly being told something?
2. Parents tend to equate unconditional love with accepting behavior, not transforming it.
3. Parents think unconditional love means being permissive or not correcting behavior at all. That’s a myth! Using unconditional love is w-a-y firmer, clearer, calmer and more instructional than any other way I know of to correct a child.
4. Parents believe that once a correction is made, a child should never repeat that behavior again. The truth is no mastery has occurred yet; children repeat a misbehavior because they’re in the process of learning.
It’s true there’s nothing harder than seeing your child emotionally upset, frustrated, or reaping the consequences of her actions. Every parent wants to jump in and rescue her from being upset. But that rescue cuts a child off from the developmental and emotional stretching she needs to go through that’s crucial for real change to occur.
Letting Kids Stumble and Struggle
Remember when your sweet one was learning to crawl, he’d cry and fuss as he rocked back and forth learning how to move. You’d support him, encourage him, but you’d never rescue him from mastering that crucial skill.
Think about what it took for your child to learn to tie her shoes. She’d cried and say, “I can’t do this — you do it for me!” That whiny behavior was the emotional expression of the frustration she was feeling inside. She needed to work through that frustration so she could propel herself forward and master the new skill. Rescuing her by tying her shoes would have only slowed the process down.
Using unconditional love allows you to firmly, supportively, and clearly enforce the boundaries in the situation, while allowing your child to work through her emotions. Supported by you, she can get to the realization that she will still be responsible for fixing what’s happened.
How you offer this kind of support is key. Visit my website to learn the specific language of unconditional love in correcting a variety of different behaviors.
Image Source: CBGB_Hoser via Flickr/Creative Commons
The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.
“Dear Annie, How do I get my crush to notice me?” the 13-year-old asked.
How sweet is that?
When I first started answering teen questions, this is what I mostly got. I began to think of myself as a Cyberspace Miss Lonelyhearts and I was always happy to help the kids with their middle school romances.
But now, 15 years and 15,000 emails later, something’s changed in Teen World. Sure I still get questions about crushes and breakups, but more often the questions reflect something darker. I’m not talking about teen drug use, depression, or eating disorders (though I do get those). I’m talking about cruel, socially aggressive behavior, playing out online and off. It’s intense stuff. And while it may start with two people, within minutes the hostility fans out, causing so much collateral damage to individuals, families, and entire school communities.
Even after all these years of doing my best to help teens make more ethical choices, I’m often (still) surprised by how disconnected many of them seem to be from their natural feelings of empathy.
I know we’re all good parents. And our kids are all good kids. But being good requires doing good.
When most people hear the phrase “doing good,” they may think “charity.” Don’t get me wrong! Community service and donations to non-profits provide golden opportunities for kids to learn that helping others is a part of being alive. But the kind of “doing good” I’m referring to requires action on a very personal, day-to-day level. For our kids to “do good” they need to treat others with respect and stand up for those who are being disrespected.
Standing up and speaking out are no easy tasks in Teen World. It takes social courage. And because social courage is not a naturally occurring substance, we adults need to teach it to our kids. In my upcoming book, Teaching Kids to Be Good People, I put it this way:
It takes an extra boost of social courage to go out of your comfort zone and show support for someone who is being targeted by others. Maybe we don’t do it as often as we should because we’re wired to protect our own self-interests. When kids ask me about standing up for someone who is being bullied, I tell them they shouldn’t put themselves directly in harm’s way, however, there are many ways to show a person, “Others are giving you a hard time. But not me. I’m not like that.”
It's a new school year and a great time to reinforce the importance of a moral compass. I suggest you talk with your sons and daughters about the concept of a pecking order, in the animal kingdom as well as in human society. Tell them that most of the time, when we’re not on the bottom, we don’t give much thought to those who are. Talk about who is “on the bottom” in your child’s class. (Even kids as young as second or third grade have a keen awareness of social strata.) Ask: How do other people treat that child? How do you treat him/her? What might happen if you stood up for the underdog? Challenge your child to be a hero and shake up the social strata by standing up for someone who needs a friend. Follow up and find out what happened when s/he did.
Kids don’t learn to be good people by osmosis (even though parental role modeling is a power positive influence). They must be taught. Obviously, not all teachers are parents, but all parents are teachers and we’ve got to actively teach our children what it means to be good.
Image Source: iStock Photo
The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.
