Grief & Loss for Moms

When my son died I had no idea how vital it would be for me to create tangible ways of remembering him. But I've found over time that it is incredibly important that he is thought of as a cherished member of our family and that people feel comfortable remembering him along with us.

Below are some ideas for remembering and including your own lost baby or child.

1. Display Images of Your Baby

Keep photos of your baby displayed in your home. For those who have had early losses or those who might not feel comfortable sharing photos with others, there are some wonderful artists out there who create memorial portraits. We had a lovely pencil drawing done of Finley.

2. Make a Memorial Box

Create a special memory box in which to keep some of your baby's things and also things that remind you of your baby. In the one we made for Finley we included a hat and booties he wore, outfits we'd bought for him, the blanket he was wrapped in, lock of his hair, his footprints, birth certificate, death certificate, the name card that was on his incubator, ultrasound photos, pregnancy photos, etc.

3. Create with Your Child in Mind

Create things with your child's name on them. I've ordered a candle holder and made a ceramic fridge magnet and a hand knit Christmas stocking.

4. Write Your Child's Name

Write your baby or child's name in the sand, or anywhere that is meaningful for you.

5. Journal your Experience

Create a memorial blog or web page about your baby.

6. Give to Charity in Your Child's Name

Raise money for charity in your baby's name. I chose a stillbirth and neonatal death charity (Sands UK).

7. Name a Star

Name a star after the child or baby you've lost.

8. Honor Your Child's Memory at Celebrations

Remembering and taking time to include your baby on special holidays. On Christmas we displayed the stocking I'd made for Finley along with those of the rest of the family, and we had an ornament on the tree for him. On his birthday, he will have a birthday cake and some sort of celebration.

9. Get a Tattoo

Get a tattoo in your baby's memory. My husband and I both got one for Finley. Mine is of his footprints with his name and date of birth.

10. Sponsor a Child in Need

Sponsor a child in your baby's name.

I sincerely hope that some of these ideas may be of comfort to you if you have suffered a loss.

Image Source: Lisa Sissons

The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

"So when are you going to try for the boy?"

This question irritates me more than any other.

I have two girls. Two adorable, sweet, amazing daughters. 

Our plan was always to have two children. Of course, we knew that we didn't have total control over this plan, but our plan was two kids.

Two children. Two kids. Not necessarily one boy and one girl.

Why is there so much pressure to change our plan? Is it just so we can get the "perfect" family?

"You Get What You Get and You Don't Get Upset"

Both times I was pregnant I was teaching in elementary school. The kids were fascinated and asked all kinds of questions (thankfully, all ones I could answer). They were especially obsessed with what we would name the baby, and if the baby was a boy or a girl. They all had very strong opinions, both times, about what I "should" have. I would always laugh and tell them "It's a 'you get what you get and you don't get upset' situation". 

I'm not going to lie though... when I was pregnant with my second, on my way to the gender revealing ultrasound, there was a little part of me that was hoping for a boy. Not because I feel my husband needs a son, or because I feel like we need to have a "male heir," but just because I'd love to experience parenting both genders. However, when the tech said confidently "it's a girl!" that disappointment melted away.

There are wonderful advantages to having two children of the same gender. Hand me downs are easy. Room sharing isn't an issue. Lessons can be passed down. There's an awesome bond between sisters (and brothers).

So again, why the pressure?

I polled a number of my friends who are moms, both online and off, and asked them two questions:

1) If they had two children of the same gender, did they feel any pressure, either internal or external, to "try" for the opposite?

2) If they had a boy and a girl, did they feel the pressure was off and that they could be "done"?

The answer to both was overwhelmingly "Yes."

"Trying" for the Opposite Gender

The external pressure in both situations is relentless. Upon finding out she'd be having another boy, one mom even had family tell her, "Oh well, we'll love him anyway." One mom, upon the same discovery, was told, "Well now you have to have a third!" In cases where the "perfect balance" was reached, moms felt that their desire to continue to procreate wasn't understood. Why have a third and upset that balance? They had the perfect family: a boy, and a girl!

There was internal pressure too. Several moms were already planning on third children, but felt that this time they'd really be pinning their hopes on the other gender, whatever it was (boys/girls didn't seem to make much difference). One remarked that if she had a third boy, she knew her husband would be disappointed. One admitted she longed for a son, to experience that different relationship than a mom has with her daughters. Some confessed that if they had one of each they probably wouldn't have a third child, but with two of the same they felt like they "try" for the opposite gender.

But if you're trying...can you fail? If you're pinning all your hopes on that boy, what happens when you hear the announcement "It's a girl!!"

There were times when I was teaching when I saw families that seemed to take the "try for a ____" to heart. Five children: girl, girl, girl, girl, boy. Six children: boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, girl.

If you want a big family, I feel you should continue to expand your family as long as you are able - both to "acquire" children, by whatever means, and raise them until you feel your family is complete.

But if you have hit your "magic number," I feel that pressure needs to turn off. You are given the family that is perfect for you.

The Right Fit

I'll always remember a story my dad likes to tell. My sister and I were young, and we were vacationing with another family who also had two young daughters. The four girls were playing lakeside, the moms were enjoying some rare adult only time, and the two dads were supervising. My father remarked to his friend that there were times he wished he'd had a son. His friend nodded, then pointed to the four little girls and said "which one would you have been willing to trade in?"

I've conceived four children - I've birthed two. Two of my little angels didn't make it past the 10 week mark. In my first pregnancy, I lost the baby right as we were starting to share our news, which was heartbreaking. It's not widely known, but my second child was initially a twin. At my first ultrasound, the tech told me her hunch was boy/girl fraternal twins, although we obviously will never know for sure. When we discovered that one twin no longer had a heartbeat, I was both devastated and relieved. I grieved for the child we'd lost, but at the same time, I had to celebrate the child we had.

Two losses...yet I still feel we were given the children we were supposed to have. Maybe those two were our boys... we'll never know. It doesn't matter. I do know that I feel our family is complete. And even if I didn't, I don't know that I'd have an easy time getting pregnant again, knowing that my body knows how to get pregnant, but doesn't always know how to stay that way.

If I get the itch to have another, we'll discuss it, and maybe we'll go for it if we feel it's right. We'll find out the gender at the halfway mark, because we're impatient people.

And no matter what we have, we'll know it's the right fit. 

Image Source: iStock Photo

The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

January means making resolutions and new beginnings.  For me, my new beginning is an old beginning.  This year my husband of 19 years and I will be renewing our vows and celebrating our 20th anniversary.  While we are celebrating and cementing our love, we will also be celebrating surviving hell and coming out of it stronger and more in love than ever.

My husband and I married young.  At 22 I thought I knew so much, and that I had to rush into my life instead of enjoying being young.  In retrospect, we were too young.  He was too self-absorbed and, well, selfish, and I was too needy and in too much of a rush.  It did not work out.  We had our son Gabriel and separated when he was just six months old.  For five years I was a single parent.  For five years my husband and I were better to each other and kinder to each other than we ever were in marriage. In other words, we grew up.

Many children dream of their parents getting back together, and Gabriel was one of them.  I did not know it at the time, but he would wish on stars and birthday candles, wishing to make Mommy and Daddy love each other again.  Maybe there is some real magic, because we did fall in love again. After I was in a scary car accident with five-year-old Gabriel, my ex was so good to us, so supportive, that I began to see him in another light.  I began to fall in love with him again, this time as a grown-up, independent woman.

In the years in between we had a beautiful daughter, making Gabe a big brother.  No one could love a baby sister the way that he loved Grace.  Three years later we had our twins, a boy and a girl.  It was such a crazy time.  In those years we would sometimes revert back to the people we were when we were first married.  There were times that it looked like we weren't going to make it, but we did.  Then, when Riley and Rowan were only five months old, the unthinkable happened.  

On December 21, 2004 I was taking the two big kids out to a movie and to do some Christmas shopping.  We live in the country and were driving the backroads.  A deer ran out onto the road.  I braked the car, but unknown to me, there was black ice.  Our van spun.  When the van had stopped spinning, a truck driving too fast T-boned us, destroying life as we knew it.  

That accident threw us into the depths of hell.  My nine-year-old Gabriel sustained serious head injuries and a burst spleen.  He died of a stroke because the ambulance got lost and his spleen threw out blood clots.  My nine-year-old son died because he did not receive the medical attention that would have saved his life.  I also nearly died in the accident and Grace broke her leg.  At the time it seemed like a broken leg was wonderful, but she has had to endure six surgeries to repair the damage caused by that break.

Through the heartache and pain, Christopher and I grew.  I have heard it said that the death of a child often leads to divorce, and I believe it.  For us, however, it brought us closer -- we only had each other.  When one of us was in need, the other was supportive.  We fell more deeply in love.  Once again, Gabriel's love brought us closer.  

Three years after Gabriel died we had our beautiful little angel, Elisha.  That baby completed us and made us whole in a way that we had not been since Gabe's death.  We revelled in our blessings.  We had lost our son, and would never heal from that, but in that loss we had found each other.

To celebrate our 20th anniversary we decided that we would like to renew our vows.  It seemed fitting to reconfirm our love in front of our family and friends.  Ours is not a fairy tale, but it is a love story.  It is not a sappy love story where boy meets girl and they fall in love and live happily ever after.  In our story, boy meets girl and they have to fight to make it -- they have to lose everything to find each other and appreciate each other.  I think that our love story does end with a "and they lived happily ever after."  Our love story keeps adding chapters, and each of those later chapters speaks of blessings and speaks of an undying love.

Image Source: iStockPhoto

The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

When your child moves away from home, the change can be both welcome and fear-inducing for your family. Is your son or daughter savvy enough to survive on his or her own?

That’s a question a Circle of Moms member named Gale G. is wondering. "What’s the best way to get my high school junior ready for college?" she asks.

Similarly, Margo M. is concerned that her 17-year-old daughter, who plans to move out when she turns 18, might not be mature enough to thrive in the world beyond her home. For moms like Margo and Gale whose children will soon fly the coop, Circle of Moms members offer five things all teens should know before leaving the nest.

1. Self-Help Skills

By the time children are teenagers, most moms think they should know basic self-help skills like picking up after themselves, how to do laundry, how to make a few simple meals, and the importance of basic nutrition. But if your child needs a crash course before moving out, several moms suggest a test of those skills before he leaves home.

A member named Jewelee shares that a friend of hers locked up the kitchen and told her son to buy his own food, do his own laundry and cleaning, and pay rent and utility bills. After three weeks, the son was broke, dirty, and finally realized what he needed to know to survive on his own. Jewelee says it made him love and respect his parents more than ever.

Similarly, Pati H. began talking to her daughter when she turned 16 about the realities of getting a job and moving out, going to school and working. Since her senior year in high school, her daughter has been responsible for getting herself up and ready for school, making her own breakfast and lunch, and doing her own laundry and banking, and as Pati relays, it has no always gone smoothly:

"She has had a few days of going hungry at work or school because she didn't have enough time to get ready and eat and or bring food. She also hates the bank, but I won’t make her deposits, so she's run out of money a few times and I won't assist her on those occasions."

The "tough love" tack might sound harsh, but giving your child guidance while letting her test her self-help skills is one of the best things you can do to prepare her for moving out, says Rachael S., who moved out of her own parents' home when she turned 17. "I learned to be responsible and independent, and my mom always supported me in every adventure I took," she recalls.

2. Money Management Skills

Whether your child is headed for college or a job straight out of school, a cornerstone of responsible adulthood is being able to manage your own money to pay for basics and extras that range from rent, utility bills, clothing and food to gas, cell phone bills, car insurance, and entertainment. To that end, several Circle of Moms members suggest parents teach their teens how to create and stay on a budget, as well as how to balance a checkbook.

"This is the No. 1 thing college kids have no clue about," says Beth H. "Money slips through their fingers with pizza, beer (oh yeah), soft drinks between every class instead of a water bottle, gas for running around … Money isn’t understood until there is none left, and then they call home or their grandparents."

With that in mind, Beth suggests teaching your teen now how to live on a budget while she's still at home so that she will be able to do it later on her own. She also cautions against giving your child a credit card without pointers about shopping wisely, advice that a member named Elisa also chimes on:

"[Your child will] be able to keep a budget better if she knows how to get the best deals and how not to succumb to impulse purchases. For example, for basic supplies like notebook paper, pens, ramen, paper towels and cleaning supplies, dollar stores are best," she explains. Money also can be saved by buying used books, comparison shopping online and using coupons.

3. How to Be True to Himself

It’s especially important that your child knows the importance of maintaining her individual values once he's out on his own, whether trying to fit into a new community at college or in the larger world. Teens need to be reminded that they don't have to keep up with the Joneses, Beth H. says. "Teach [your child] that she doesn't have to wear what everyone else does. Some people are going to always have more money and cooler clothes."

More importantly, teens should be strong enough to avoid and say no to the hazards that accompany drinking, drugs and sex, Beth says, noting parents should talk to their children seriously about the subjects. "Talk to [your daughter] about date rape, alcohol poisoning, drinking and driving, which drugs do what, and what different drugs look like. I’m very glad I did this; my daughter recognized some drugs I had told her about and looked up, and kept her friends from trying them," Beth says. "They were not safe nor would they have gotten high … they would have been dead."

Along with assessing values, moms should help their children examine their social readiness before they move out, says Kristi H. She attended a large state university five hours away from her home, and recalls that she didn't have enough self-confidence to develop healthy relationships beyond her circle of friends at home: "I gained weight and felt depressed. I didn’t do well at my classes at all." Consequently, she feels parents should help their children understand themselves and their needs before they leave home.

To do this, Christine S. suggests parents discuss "what-if" situations with their teens, helping them practice how to make informed decisions in these hypothetical scenarios.

4. Emotional Support from You

"Parents have to trust they’ve laid a strong foundation, and then let [their children] struggle a bit, with gentle guidance," Christine S. says. In other words, if your child is ready to move out, then let him. The flip side of this bit of wisdom is that pressuring your child to stay home is likely to make him want to move out even more. "That is the nature of teenagers," Jackie W. warns.

Neener P. agrees with both women, noting that if your teen feels he's ready to move out, you really have no choice but to let him go. "Be willing to let [him] go be an adult with [your] full support. The last thing you want [your child] to feel is that [he's] obligated to keep the apron strings attached because you need [him] too much," she says. "[He'll] go if [he's] determined to. You don't want [him] to go out there feeling like [he] can't come back with [his] tail between [his] legs if [he] needs to because [he'd] have to face, 'I told you so' from Mama," adds Neerer.

5. The Knowledge That You're There if Needed

Rachael S. agrees that the best thing a mom can do when letting a child go is to keep the lines of communication open. She's one of several moms who caution against letting a child back into your home too soon if he changes his mind. "Do not let them quit quickly any more than you have allowed them to quit anything else. Life does not allow that of them," says one of them, Nancy P., noting that the late teens and early twenties are a key time for individual growth.

Anne W. illustrates this point with a story about her daughter, who took between four to six weeks to get over her initial bout of homesickness. By sticking it out, Anne says, she came out of the experiences a much stronger person, more determined to pursue her purpose in life.

So if your child wants to come back home, what do you do? Let him know that you’re there for him, says Wendi M.: "Ask lots of questions without being too snoopy, and text, call, and get on Facebook as much as possible to stay in touch" and offer support.

Bev M. even bought her son a cell phone for graduation and entered her number at the top so he'd know she's there for questions. "Rarely did he ever call for help. He learned to figure it out, but knew I was there," she reports.

No matter how well prepared your child is, moms almost always struggle with letting go, but Anne W. reminds that as parents we're not so much raising children as we are raising "future adults." And Wendi reassures that the sadness is to be expected: "Letting go and doing it without pain and a hole in your heart will be one of the hardest things a mother has to do, but it’s all a part of life."

Image Source: Cindy47452 via Flickr/Creative Commons

The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

A lone man forced his way into an elementary school in a small town in Connecticut and did the unthinkable. He shot down twenty beautiful children and six adults. I'm a first time mom. I'm not sure if being a parent is what's making this tragedy hit so hard or just the sheer horror of the entire incident. I watched the news and just wept. My heart is breaking for the parents who rushed to the school that day but did not return with their babies.

When you watch the news and you hear that twenty children were gunned down you are shocked. Many times you don't even realize the thoughts that come until much later. But shortly after I saw my daughter Matilda's toys. As I stood there looking at her Christmas presents it hit me even harder, and I began to weep again. These parents will be looking at presents that will go unopened. They will face this terrible day for the reset of their lives.

I wanted to do something to honor the memories of those precious children. Something that shares that we are thinking of them, that we are with them. So I took one of Matilda's treasured toys and with a Christmas bow, tied it gently to the tree outside our home. Then I invited my other friends to do the same.

It's just a small way that we can say to the parents in Connecticut, 'You are not alone." We are weeping with you. We are thinking of you and our thoughts and prayers are with you.

We also added a Pinterest board (Memorial For Sandy Hook School) for anyone else who'd like to share their own memorial.

I cannot even begin to imagine what these parents are going through. If we will keep them in our hearts somehow maybe healing will come quickly. I hold Matilda tighter each day. I treasure our time on Earth. 

I didn't know what else to do. I felt hopeless, and at least somehow this reminds me of those precious and beautiful lives so tragically taken before their time.

My prayers are with all those dealing with this terrible and shocking tragedy. 

Image Source: Lisa Cash Hanson

The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

We lost my oldest son on December 24, 2004. Up until that point I had two healthy boys and two healthy girls; I had the perfect family.

When tragedy struck we were sent reeling. There was a huge void. We tried to carry on for the sake of the younger three (then three years, five months, and five months; yes, twins). I played pretend... how did I used to act before my world came tumbling down around my ears?  I just put one foot in front of the other; that's all I could do.

After Gabriel had been gone for two years, we began to think about having another baby. We knew that no other child could ever, ever replace our Gabriel, but we knew that we did not like the number three. Three is not a good number for children, someone is always left out. We were already beginning to discover that. We began to try for baby number five. Getting pregnant for us had always been so easy (although staying pregnant had not). We tried for over a year, and nothing. We were no longer young; I was 36, still young, but not in terms of fertility. When we stopped trying was when I finally conceived.

I learned the hard way that pregnancy is really best left for the young. I had so many aches and pains that I had never had with any of my other pregnancies, and that includes the twins. When I was 31 weeks pregnant my OB informed me that I had placenta previa and needed to be in the hospital. I had had placenta previa with all of my pregnancies and it always corrected itself, but this time it did not. He told me that I need to pack a bag and be back that night.

I told him that was not going to happen. I had three children at home that I needed to make preparations for. I had nothing in place for baby number five, including a name. I told him that I would be back in two weeks. He gave me a look."You know that you could bleed to death with this?" he asked.  "It would kill you and the baby." I reminded him that I have never gone into labor early, and that I would be back in two weeks with my bags packed, ready to stay away from my babies for a month.

Naming My Miracle Baby

I had been certain that I was having a boy. Every ultrasound said "girl", but I knew that they were wrong. I could feel it in my bones that this was my little boy. His name would be Thaddeus; it meant "God's gift" and this baby was "God's gift." Christopher had planned to have a vasectomy when the twins were six months. The urologist recommended waiting for babies to be six months old before sterilization because of sudden infant death syndrome. The twins were five months old when we lost our nine-year-old in a car accident. This baby was a gift, a miracle.

As I was on the way to the hospital I bought a baby names book. We still didn't have a girl's name picked out, because I knew we were having a boy.  I had lots of time to spare in the hospital.  I made lists of names I liked, then itemized them into number rankings. I would then call my husband and get his rankings. Our top three names were: 1. Elisha - and we would call her "Elly." 2. Lyra - very pretty, but maybe too offbeat. 3. Savanna - we loved that name, but others kept criticizing it.  

On October 15, 2008, weighing a staggering eight pounds even, our Elisha Gabrielle made her first appearance.  Her first name was beautiful, and her middle name was special.  Even though she never got to meet her big brother, she would carry him with her forever.

Image Source: Tristan Lindsay

The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

When I first found out I was pregnant, I knew in an instant my whole life would change. I did everything in my power to prepare for every eventuality of parenthood, but what I never could have prepared for was that my son would die only three days after he was born.

I didn't know at the time what it was like to be a parent, because my son was my first child, but I knew even less how to be a parent to a child who was dead. You become a mother when you give birth to a child, and that doesn't leave you when your child passes away. The instict to be a mother to your child is just as strong as when they are alive.

I knew that I was facing one of the most trying times of my life, but I could never have been aware of how much I would have to defend my grief. At times it is as though I am defending the very existence of my son and the worth of his life. 

Initially people were very sympathetic, but gradually they all started to get back to their lives and normality. As a mother I was left in a place where my entire world has stopped. And after what I would consider to be a short amount of time, I found that people were expecting me to be over it. Over my son - and that fact infuriated me. I felt like when they were expecting me to be my old happy self, that they were (and still are) minimizing his existence. I felt the need to defend my grief, because by defending my grief it was as though I was defending his life and his right to be grieved for. 

Instead of shutting myself away and hiding my feelings, I decided to share them with anybody who would listen. I've had an overwhelming urge to share Finley's life - by talking about him, sharing his photos and his things, and by starting my blog.

Initially I was so afraid about having people I knew reading some of my innermost thoughts. I've not always been an emotionally open person. But I was so desperate for people to understand what Finley dying meant for me. What his life continues to mean. And why I am STILL sad. 

I will always be sad. There will always be a part of me missing from this world. Having a child is not something you ever get over, and I don't intend to stop sharing my feelings about him. He existed and his life mattered. It mattered to me, and I want the world to know.

Image Source: Courtesy of Lisa Sissons

The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

I wanted to share my journal entry from last Thanksgiving. I wrote this about a month after my bilateral mastectomy:

11/24/11 (Thanksgiving)

I was laying in bed this morning, trying so hard to go back to sleep after staying up until midnight last night (even after a Valium), but I couldn’t. The house is quiet; Scott has taken the girls to get breakfast and probably pick up the cranberry sauce for Thanksgiving dinner tonight. And all I can think about as I lay in bed is all the things I am thankful for this year. Topping the list, ironically enough, is breast cancer. 

Image Source: M. Lindquist

The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

Much of what we know about being a mom - good and bad - comes from what we learned in our own families. SO what is it like to be a mom when — either by circumstance or by choice — you don’t have a mother of your own to lean on?

Many of us struggle to find that missing source of knowledge, support, and day-to-day help that other women find in their own mothers. We work to fill both the void in our own lives and our children’s need for a grandmother. Here I've gathered experiences and advice from other "motherless moms" on finding the support you need to be a great mom.

Getting Through Pregnancy

Being pregnant with your first child means countless questions and concerns that require a mom's knowledge. This can be an especially painful time for soon-to-be moms who don't have their mother around for advice. Sabrina C. grew up with a mother who was addicted to drugs and involved in crime, so she longed for motherly love during her difficult pregnancy: "I felt like I needed a mother to turn to, to tell me what I was going through was normal, to comfort me." She assures other motherless moms that it's possible to rise above that kind of childhood loss.

Having positive people in your life to help you during pregnancy is important, but it doesn't have to be your mom. There are many places to turn to right in your community. Louise G. recommends signing up for parenting classes, where you will learn some valuable skills and can meet other women in your area due to give birth around the same time as you.

While it's nice to have a woman's point of view for advice, don't forget about your husband or partner. Sometimes a good relationship is all you need to get through the ups and downs of being pregnant. Heather K. found a new appreciation for her husband when she became pregnant: "We talk more about our future and have become closer in other ways, more cuddling and really intimate conversations we did not have as much before."

Women who don't know much about their mother or her health history face another challenge. In addition to the emotional journey of pregnancy, moms like Sherry P. have many unanswered questions. "When I got pregnant, I knew nothing about her medical history or her pregnancy, labor or delivery. I was born in 1971 and fathers apparently weren't allowed in delivery rooms, so my dad doesn't know anything," she says.

The March of Dimes recommends learning as much as you can about your family's medical history, before or during pregnancy, to help your doctor prepare for your labor and delivery. The March of Dimes provides a free family health questionnaire that can be sent to relatives to help you gather information about everything from fun family traits like hair color and height, to illnesses and birth defects that can be hereditary. The March Of Dimes website also has great advice for finding information about the medical history of your mother if she is deceased.

Mom Groups

Some moms find comfort as they share their personal pain and struggles with other women in the Circle of Moms communities. While it certainly helps, it's no substitute for having friends to lean on in your local community who are a part of your daily life. As Victoria C. says, "talking with people that are going through the same things you are is sure to open you up because you can relate to them." This is especially true for moms who are missing their own mothers. Finding friends who can relate to those emotions can make a big difference.

If you're looking for mom friends, Jessica W. suggests visiting your local library's story time, as well as browsing national websites for local mom groups such as MOMS Club. Play dates and organized activities for babies and kids offer a great way to meet other moms, too.

(For more ideas on finding new friends, check out 5 Ways to Make Friends When You're A Mom.)

Sub-Mom

"Sub-Mom" is a term used by a member named Stacey when she talks about the love and support she found from her friend's mom. She confides that it's been hard for her to trust or have relationships with other women, so finding a mother figure she can look up to in a friend's mom is better than nothing.

Is it really possible to replace your mother? Maybe not, but you might be surprised how much it helps to have a more experienced mom in your life. Cindy S. lost her mother when she was only 13 years old, and shares how hard it was growing up without any women to look up to. She has since found that missing bond with her mother-in-law: "I am so close to my mother-in-law. I love her so much and I'm so thankful I was able to get a mother-in-law that I get along with."

Tiffany V. puts the idea of finding a mom replacement into great perspective when she acknowledges that you're going to feel lost and alone at times, but sometimes all you have to do is look and you will find help all around you: "What I found was that there are other people who were willing to be mom for me, and support me in raising my son. Let other people help you, and be willing to let them in."

If you don't have a friend's mom or mother-in-law that you can turn to, moms also recommend looking to your church, or in your neighborhood for women who can provide support.

Your Inner Strength

Advice and friendships are great, but the most important thing that will guide you through being a mom is your own inner strength and love for your child. Bethany G. assures moms that it's possible to break the cycle of bad parenting and use your past to be a better mom: "I no longer feel that surge of self-judgement or fear that I will 'be like her' because at this point, I have proven myself again and again as a mother, and I have developed an unconditional love for myself and my son – something she was never brave enough to do."

Kenda C. also draws strength from what she learned from her own mother, which was what not to do: "I am stronger because of this. I hold my kids a little tighter because of this. I tell them I love them more often. I keep the promises I make to them. I remind them how special they are to me just for being who they are. I know that there is nothing in this world that could ever make me walk away from them. I know that I've learned enough lessons to know what not to do and that only makes me a better mom."

For moms who worry about their child growing up without grandma, Pam L. has some great insight. She grew up with a loving mother of her own who was abandoned by both her mother and mother-in-law. Pam knows it hurt her mother deeply that neither grandmother wanted to have a relationship with her or her children, but she says: "I never felt the pain of them not caring because my mom loved me so much. So know in your heart that as long as you love your children you will not pass that heritage along and they will remember a loving mom – you."

Image Source: Diamond Farah via Flickr/Creative Commons

The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

After a miscarriage, friends and family often desperately want to provide support, but just don't know how. Afraid of saying the wrong thing, many will say nothing at all. Unfortunately, silence can make it seem as though you don’t care. So what should you do and say after a friend suffers a miscarriage? Here, moms who've lost a pregnancy share honest advice on what helps — and what doesn't.

1. Do: Say something.

Rosemary A., whose extended family has experienced multiple miscarriages, advises that saying something, however simple, is important: “A simple word can mean so much because so many people avoid the person or the subject." She says that a hug or just saying, “I don’t know what to say, but I want you to know how sorry I am” is enough. 

2. Do: Acknowledge that this baby was special and loved.

A number of moms who have had miscarriages recommend telling your friend that you know how important this baby was. They also suggest using the baby’s name as a way to help her know that you remember the baby as a person, not just an idea.

3. Do: Just listen.

When the grieving mom or family wonders aloud why this happened, they’re not actually asking for your help in finding a reason. In reality, they are expressing their bewilderment and sorrow that such a happy thing has gone so wrong. As mom Sharon B. puts it,  “Don't try to make them feel better as nothing can make you feel better after the loss of a pregnancy.”

4. Do: Let your friend know if you’ve been through something similar.

Circle of Moms member Courtney W., who has experienced the loss of two children, says this is a time when a mom needs someone who knows what she is going through. Sometimes it's helpful to just have someone who can sense when to talk and when to stay silent.

5. Do: Offer to help out around the house. 

Mom Sarah C. offers that sometimes “practical acts of kindness” are more helpful than words. Whether that means making a meal, looking after older children, or doing a load of laundry, it will be one less thing your friend has to worry about while she's grieving.

6. Don't: Say “At least you know you can get pregnant."

Sometimes, "words of kindness can actually be words with daggers,” Ashley J. cautions. She relays how furious and hurt she was when she was told after her miscarriage that “at least” she could have another baby while some women can’t. In reality, seeing her baby’s heartbeat and then losing her was so painful that Ashley says she would have preferred never being pregnant in the first place.

7. Don't: Say “You can always try to have another." 

As Kath B. explains, you need to “understand that they will be grieving for the loss of all the hopes and dreams this child had already given them.” Circle of Moms member Samantha H. recommends treating the situation “as if they lost a child, because they have.”

8. Don’t: Say “These things happen for a reason.”

As Circle of Moms member Trenda T. points out, "grief won't accept" that things happen for a reason. There’s enough guilt and self-recrimination involved in the grieving process already.

9. Don’t: Say “Be thankful/grateful for the kids you have.”

When Circle of Moms member Andrea S. lost one of her twins, it was unfathomable to her that so many people reminded her she was lucky “to still have one.”  Like many other mothers who have heard this remark, she says it’s incredibly insensitive. Having another child, she explains, doesn’t “rid [her] heart of the pain” she feels from the loss of his sibling.

10. Don’t: Say “I know exactly how you feel.” 

Heather K. says the worst thing people said to her was that they understood how she felt.  “Even if they have lost a child they still didn't lose mine!" she explains. Even if you’ve been through a loss yourself, remember that everyone’s experience is different.

Image Source: LizMarie_AK via Flickr/Creative Commons

The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.