Teenager Parenting Strategies

The secret life of tweens and teens isn’t that mysterious. They want to hang out everywhere else but at home, says Gwen and other Circle of Moms members. “After my daughter turned 12 she is constantly wanting to be with her friends and never be at home,” she says. “Our family is pretty close. My husband (her dad) and I always try to be involved in what's going on at school and talk to her about her friends and what they are doing, but she still thinks we are boring and doesn't want to be home, ever.”

She is not alone and asks: “Help, I just can’t take it anymore. Are there other moms who actually let their kids go, but wish they knew what was going on when they are away.” Pam also asks: "How do you allow your teenager freedom and still keep them safe?

Here Circle of moms share tips and tools they’ve created to stay connected to their kids who only want to hang out at their friend’s houses – or the mall.

Equip Them With the Tools to Stay Connected

Tia R. and other Circle of Moms members say the best way to give a tween or teen freedom and stay connected is to "make sure they are armed with a cell phone or other tools to stay in contact." 

But Jennifer B. suggests parents might want to be aware of the false sense of security a cell phone can provide. Says Jennifer B:“Sometimes cell phones give us a false sense of security,” she says. “ I always talk to the other parent if my child is sleeping over at his friend's house so I know they are really there. Also, we will occasionally ‘just happen to be driving by’ the area where my son is. One time we saw them walking around when they were supposed to be at his friend's house. It was so good for him to know that we keep tabs. We don't do it in a crazy stalker parent kind of way. We will also mention to our kids that someone saw them somewhere and what they saw them doing. We don't tell them who saw them. You know when you talk to your friends or neighbors and they mention they saw your kid somewhere. It doesn't have to be anything bad at all. It just lets your child know they are part of a community and that their actions do not go unnoticed.”

Make Periodic Check-ins

You don’t want to stalk your tween or teen with incessant texts or phone calls, but periodic check-ins can help you let them make the break, suggests Brittiny R. and other Circle of Moms members. “My parents periodically checked in on us to make sure we were where we were supposed to be (if me or my sibs said we were at work, mom would suddenly get a random craving for a cheeseburger at Wendy's, or decided that she wanted to go buy some candles at the mall and 'bump into' us),” she says “At the time, I hated that, but as time went on, a trust was built, and it didn't matter. My mother always said, 'if you are doing what you are supposed to be doing, why does it matter, you don't have anything to hide.”

Connect with the Other Parents

Make the connection with the other parents, so you have a good idea of who your children are spending time with, says Alison L. “Make it a point to know their friends and the friends' parents,” says Allison L. “Talk to them about the importance of choosing the right friends. Enforce rules about calling home, being where they say they will be and curfews. Ultimately, though, you need to trust that you have done your best at training them to make the right choices.”

Take it one step further and call the other parents, says Diane S. “Get to know friends and the parents of the friends,” says Diane S. “Find ones who share your same goals and rules. The kids your child hangs around with are crucial to the activities and things your child wants to do. I always called the parents and made sure where and what the kids were doing, who was going to be there, parents in the home at all times, the activity, the times and places, etc.”

Suggest Your House as the Hang Out

When your kids want to hang out with their friends, and you want to keep tabs on them, make your house the command central, Circle of Moms members suggest. Says Jamie K. “How about hanging out at your house?” she asks. “We had a revolving door at times the family room downstairs was like a hurricane hit it. But my kids and their friends were safe, and it gave me a chance to get to know the kids' friends. There were times my kids weren't even home and the friends were vegging in our basement playing Xbox or were outside on the trampoline, in the pool, skateboarding on our driveway.”

Constance agrees. “My house is like the community center as I have seven kids that range from six to 19. They all have tons of friends and they are always here. As far as not letting her go every single time she may not like it but she is 14 she still needs limits.”

Give a Little Rope

Part of staying connected is letting go a little, Circle of Moms members agree. “If she is sticking to her curfew then you are very lucky and should allow her some freedom but just explain to her now that she will soon have a heavy work load from school which will have to come first,” says Louise G. “There is nothing wrong with letting her go every night as long as homework is done.”

Jodi H. adds: "The thing with teens is to really consider the rules and boundaries before agreeing to their requests,” she says. “As.we say yes or go along with certain behavior it becomes really hard to say no or change our minds later. I say keep them around for as long as you can till you can really feel the need to give another inch, one small inch at a time,” 

How do you stay connected to your tweens and teens when they're not home?

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The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

High on the list of what to expect as the mom of a teen is the day your child comes home saying she wants to flip burgers at the nearby fast-food joint or take on a sales job at the mall. That's good news, agree many Circle of Moms members. But how do you guide your teen to make the right job choice so that she can manage school, activities, friends, and a job?

Here, Circle of Moms members share their thoughts about part-time jobs for teens and the factors you should consider when your teen tells you she wants to go out and earn some money.

1. Is Your Teen Mature Enough?

Many Circle of Moms members set limits around their teen’s work lives from the get-go. Barbara J. and Debbie S. both only allowed their teens to work when they felt their kids were mature enough and that the jobs they chose were appropriate. As Barbara explains, "Depends on his maturity level and the location of the part-time job and hours that would be worked," and Debbie adds, “I would let a mature child get a part time job around the age of 14, depending on what kind of job it was. My oldest son began doing yard work for a lady at church, once a week. I would drive him to her house, drop him off for two hours, then pick him up. It was great experience for him and it was a blessing to her. I think the type of job and the maturity of the child need to be a complete match-up to be successful.”

Becky F. points out that a job can help an immature teen become more responsible: "I definitely think that kids should learn responsibility and good money management before they graduate from high school. And I think that starts even before they hit their teens, with doing chores around the home and getting an allowance, though adds that "school comes first. If they can juggle it all, great. If they're not turning in assignments, falling asleep in class, getting poor grades for their ability - or, if I notice they've lost their social life and interests because all they do is school and work - then the job goes."

2. Which Limits Should You Set?

Many Circle of Moms members agree with Becky that most high school-aged kids are too young to be taking on part-time jobs and prefer to encourage their kids to focus on school. As Kelly puts it, "I feel school and school activities are so important and worry a job may take away from that." She held jobs during her own high school years and "found it difficult to keep up with my studies." For her own daughter, a part-time summer job is the limit: "She'll be able to earn some money and learn how to manage it, and still have time to be a kid."

Rachael O. suggests a different way of limiting a teen's work. She's okay with occasional jobs like yard work for a neighbor, but prohibits jobs "where they would have set days to work or a set amount of hours," arguing that school comes first, and that we should "let a kid be a kid."

And Jodi S. recommends having teens gradually work up to a part-time job, proving they can take on more responsibility without jeopardizing school as they go. "My step-daughter is 18 and has been working part-time jobs (mostly on weekends) since she was about 16. Prior to that, she sometimes worked in our businesses for us and was paid for it. My 13-year-old will probably start 'officially' doing some weekend work in our business in about 12 or 18 months. He already does some extra work around the house and also helps me with some of my work to earn his money to pay for some of his extras (including his iPod Touch and mobile phone, plus movie outings with his friends). So I guess starting slowly and setting limits is the way to go."

3. How Do You Teach the Value of Money?

In most states, kids need to be 16 to have a part-time job, but some Circle of Moms members feel it's important to start teaching their kids about “responsible working” even earlier. Meagan P. encouraged her kids to start earning their spending money at age 12 by doing odd jobs like mowing lawns and babysitting. "I really want to avoid that whole ‘entitlement’ attitude that so many children get. I want her to value what she has, and learn how money works. A family is a team, and everyone should help out. A teen/tween getting their own job and earning their own money to help buy their ‘wants’ is a great way to contribute."

Several Circle of Moms members suggest talking to your teen about why it is important to work. As Rebecca A. advises, “I want my kids to understand that what we have was from the hard work we ourselves put in. If they want anything beyond the necessities and our once-in-a-while surprises or gifts from celebrations, they will work for them."

Susan M. adds that when it comes time for a teen to start working, she'll also need guidance on how to handle the money she earns. She suggests "a forced savings plan," where you take a percentage of their paycheck and at the end of each month put it into mutual funds or an IRA. If garnishing wages causes resentment, she suggests explaining to your teen that you are showing your child "how to become a millionaire."

Do you let your teen work?

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The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

How do moms get their teens to detach from friends who are a bad influence? “Our 14-year-old has this friend who seems to create trouble everywhere she goes,” says Amy. “Her friend encourages her to be rude to [me] and my husband and simply seems to be bad news.” Jackie T. shares a similar plight: My daughter hangs out with a group of friends that we don’t necessarily approve of. But we truly believe we are here to guide her and not rule her. So how do I keep her from swaying off her path?”

Welcome to the struggle of moms who question the crowds their teens are hanging out with. Like Amy and Jackie, many have discovered that their teens don't want mom interfering, and feel their parents have no right to pick their friends. This means that the effort to end unhealthy friendships has to be something of a covert operation. Here, Circle of Moms members share some stealth tactics for trying to get through to your teen on this sensitive subject, and for heading off the "bad apples."

1. Avoid “I Just Don’t Like Her”

Instead of pronouncing that you don’t like one of your teen’s friends, a better way to try to deliver the message is by giving examples of behavior that concerns you. Give specific reasons, says Circle of Moms member Kristin S. “Last year when my son was 14 he had a friend who was always in trouble,” she says. “He even started a fire in a trash can at the park when my son was with him. I sat my kid down and simply said, if you keep hanging around this boy his reputation will become yours and everyone will think you're that brain dead. It will affect how coaches treat you and even [which] girls like you. Shortly thereafter he dumped the kid as a friend. “

Badmouthing the friend will backfire, adds a member named Cherilyn. “Do not criticize the other child at home. This will just make your child have to choose loyalties." The trick, she advises, is to give your kid an easier way out of the friendship. She suggests telling your own kids, "I know this child is making some choices that could get you in trouble later, and I know you don't want that sort of mess. Please feel free to use me as an excuse if you need to get out of a tricky situation."

Kim C. also points out the importance of keeping the focus on the friend’s behavior and avoiding labeling. “I have talked to my son from a very young age about being grouped in with the friends that you hang around,” she says. “I often ask him what his friends will turn out like if they keep up with this or that.”

2. Set Limits

You don’t want your child to think you are picking on his friend, but that instead you are setting limits on the kind of behavior you want him to engage in with his friends, say Theresa and other moms. Try to de-personalize the situation, she adds. “You can't pick her friends but you can hold her accountable. Tell your son that if the ‘friends’ got in trouble and he wasn't involved that he would still suffer the punishment, without question.”

Angie L. agrees that setting limits can help diffuse the situation. “Only allow the child to hang out with this friend in a controlled environment (such as only at your home or in a group setting),” she says. “Then you know what your child is doing and you know he/she isn’t getting into trouble. “

Inviting the friends home is another way to set limits, says Antonia F. Even if he is hanging out with ‘the bad apple,” if they are under your roof, you have a greater clue as to what is going on, she says. “Invite them over and be their best friend and never let on to your child that you dislike the friendship. Become a role model for the 'wayward' child and your child will soon get bored of him.”

3. Talk It Through

Making sure your child understands that he has freedom of choice when it comes to making friends, as long as he stays within the acceptable zone that you discuss with him, is a reasonable way to handle this issue, says Jenny F. “We talk through tricky situations at the end of the day and think out loud together about ways to make them better,” she says. “It’s tricky finding a balance because I don't want to limit her time with her friends (even if they aren't always the best influences.) Keeping an open dialogue and respecting that different families and their friends operate in different ways is my best strategy.”

4. Take a Hard Line

Despite your best efforts, many Circle of Moms including Lynn M. know firsthand that kids will do what they want and if you forbid your child from something or someone it can create a magnet effect, driving the child closer to the friend you don’t want him to hang out with. “Sadly there is not much you can do except not allow her in your home,” says Lynn M. “I have found that if you forbid them to hang out they will do it behind your back. Do you trust your child enough to make the right choice even if it takes them a little while to see this friend's true colors? Talk to your kid, tell them you are not fond of this new friend and give them reasons why, and then trust that your child will make the right choice.”

But there are some Circle of Moms members who say that forbidding the friendship is the only way to nip it in the bud. Connie L. explains: “Bad friends are the worst influences for your child. In my son's situation, we just don't let him go out for very long with his bad friend. We tell him why he can't hang with him for long periods of time. I take my kids out to places they like to go quite often but if he wants to bring his ‘bad friend’ I say ‘Nah, choose another friend.’ If he wants to do fun things, have more privileges and trust, he needs to do it with the friends I trust more. Teens love to be trusted and I just tell him honestly, ‘I don't trust that friend so I don't want you to be put in an uncomfortable situation with him to where I wouldn't trust you either."

Mary S. believes that parents of teens should be able to pick their friends. She says: “Why can't you pick her friends? You are her mother. I have more than once sent a kid packing when I did not like their behavior or attitude. One girl that is a daughter of a woman I was once close to is a horrible example. This girl is 17 and sneaks out windows at night and takes her mother’s car while she is sleeping. I made it clear to my daughter that she is to avoid this girl while she is sowing her wild oats. And that if I ever caught her with her she will lose her world (car, cell phone, outings)."

What do you do when your child’s friends are bad news?

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The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

Kids go through many phases as they grow up, but one of the most perplexing for many parents is when a previously clean kid starts avoiding the shower. It doesn't seem to matter that your child is otherwise vain; all of a sudden he doesn't want to bathe, wash his hair, or brush his teeth. And what's even more alarming is that not every kid goes through this phase.

So what are the causes of hygiene-neglect? Is it normal? And what can you do to help your tween or teen move through it as quickly as possible? Here, Circle of Moms members share their experiences.

1. Depression

After wondering why her daughter was skipping showers to the point that she smelled bad, Iris A. figured out that her daughter was mildly depressed. Neglecting self-care is a common symptom of depression. If someone is too sad, or too beleaguered by low self-esteem or by thoughts of emotional or social problems, self-care is one of the first things to go.

What to Do About It

Your child needn't have full-blown depression in order to exhibit these behaviors; she might simply be distracted with life at school and among her friends. One Circle of Moms parent who didn't feel the need to address the problem head-on simply took her daughter swimming a lot. It didn't address the root concern, but it effectively got her clean! Another, Jen T., bought her daughter body wash as an indirect way of communicating that she needed it, and also takes her daughter's laundry out of her room so that she wears clothes only once.

If you have any inkling that your child might be depressed, take him to see a counselor, psychologist, or other mental health care provider right away. A professional might be able to see something you can't.

2. Laziness

Michele W. was shocked when her son hit puberty and stopped changing his socks and underwear. He still applied deodorant, but only in lieu of showering. He seemed to be too tired to bother with basic hygiene.

Should You Force the Issue? 

Michele and several other Circle of Moms members say this is natural and not worth fighting since it's a phase that passes when the hormonal surges die down. They point out that there are good reasons teenagers are so lethargic and lazy; they are growing and changing rapidly, both physically and emotionally.

Karen A. agrees that showering is not worth a fight, but draws a line at teeth brushing: her kids must, absolutely, brush their teeth, as not doing so has long-term health consequences.

3. Asserting Control

The push-pull that underlies many aspects of parenting tends to come to a head during the teen years. Power struggles are magnified — and what better way for a teen to exercise some power than to control the one thing that's undeniably his own and no one else's? The body is precisely that thing, and that's why, as Melanie B. explains, only some kids go through this phase. If you don't think your teen is depressed or overly hormonal, then chalk it up to a willful temperament that may one day serve them well.

"Kids Don't Smell Themselves"

Jen T. thinks the reason for many teens' neglect of personal hygiene is often very simple: Kids don't smell themselves! Whatever the root cause of your teen's neglect of hygiene, try to understand the context in which it's happening, so that you can choose an appropriate response — which may well be to do nothing and wait for the phase to pass.

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The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

Moodiness. Willfulness. Anger. Attitude. Do these adjectives describe anyone you know? If you have a teenager in your house, bets are that these words are all familiar. But although you know the challenges of raising a teen are par for the course, you still get frustrated. So, take a deep breath, kick up your feet, and read the best advice from Circle of Moms members on how to help your teens become fabulous adults.

1. Be Aware of Your Teen's Developmental Stages

Remember when they were tiny and their tantrums filled the house without warning, over seemingly nothing? Well, those days are back, at least hormonally speaking. Ann H. reminds us that teenagers' brains are not yet fully developed, that teens often "shut down" when they are stressed. This is why she does her best to remain in a calm state, regardless of what her teen is doing at the other end. It takes two to have a screaming match, and you don't have to participate in those.

2. Give Your Teen the Benefit of the Doubt

Melinda M. says that there are always opportunities to talk to your child more as an equal, or friend, than someone you want to control. Even when your teenager obviously needs guidance, try to avoid judgment and offer an open channel of safe communication. Your teen is much more likely to talk honestly with you if he trusts he's not being judged. Annette A. even writes letters to her teenaged kids and finds that this is often a better form of communication that a conversation. Letters allow each person to express him or herself without getting wrapped up in the emotions of the moment.

3. Remember What It's Like to Be a Teenager

Your kid's challenges probably look much like your own did, way back when. Amy C. actively tries to imagine herself in her teen daughter's shoes, and says this helps her access the empathy she always wants to offer. It also reminds her that teenagers tend to live in their own world. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but it is hard to bridge the gap. Empathy helps.

4. Share Both Successes and Failures

Dawne P.'s biggest revelation about raising her son was that she hadn't trusted that he would learn from her example. Sharing both your successes and your failures, your bad moments and your good, is one of the best ways to help your kids learn from you. Trying to hide your mistakes, or the fact that you're not a perfect person, just creates unrealistic expectations.

5. Give Him Space

Tanika W. has found that simply walking away from a heated conversation and giving her son space, both physical and emotional, has helped them both re-focus. We all know how difficult this is to do, especially when we're entrenched in an important conversation or are unwilling to waver. But a break from conflict will often reset the conversation's tone. When we take (and give) one another this space, we're better able to successfully resolve disagreements.

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The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

It’s a mom’s job to know where her kids are and what they are up to. But is opening your child's e-mails, rifling through her room, or peeking into her journals an acceptable approach to staying on top of her activities? Circle of Moms member Loureen K. wants to know where the line is: “How much privacy should parents give their teens, and when is it appropriate to snoop?” she asks.

With so much of kids' lives unfolding online and through mobile phones, parents can feel clueless about what’s really going on. But parents also have access to new tools — not only web filters and tracking software like SocialShield, but GPS — that allow us to follow our kids' every move. Are we turning into bigger sneaks than we’d care to admit? Here, a breakdown of all the different places parents commonly snoop, from their kids' Internet browsers to their backpacks, plus Circle of Moms members' views on whether each type of parental spying is ever okay.

Cyber Sleuthing

Yes: It's a Safety Issue

If your gut tells you that your teen or tween is viewing banned sites or receiving inappropriate messages, a show of hands among Circle of Moms members says you should monitor their online activity. "My kids are my responsibility, and so is their behavior,” says Shawn L. “There is absolutely NO electronic privacy in our household. I guess I look at it this way: If my kids did something inappropriate, and I found out about it later, I'd be appalled. I'd be embarrassed, and most of all, I'd be extremely upset. I have all of their passwords, and regularly check their online activity, Facebook pages, etc."

Nikki S. agrees, adding, “As far as Internet use goes, I will check everything that they do on the computer for their own safety. I will be upfront about restrictions and conditions of Internet and phone usage. There won’t be any "snooping" because they will know it is going to happen.”

No: Kids Who are Trusted Become More Trustworthy

Other Circle of Moms members believe that tweens and teens need to know their parents trust them in order to make good decisions. They say that monitoring their Internet usage violates not only this trust, but also privacy: “I don't agree with parents invading their child's privacy at all, ever," says Emma. “That includes demanding access to their Facebook and MySpace [accounts], and [being] friends with them on Facebook. If they're allowed to use these things then they should have their privacy respected. Just because your kid doesn't want you to read everything they say to friends doesn't mean they're up to no good.”

Checking Cell Phones and Logs

Yes: It's a Parent's Job to Monitor

In a world of cyber bullying, sexting, and child predators, it's important for moms to monitor their tweens' and teens' cell phone usage, some Circle of Moms advise. “It is my job as a mother to know. It is my husband's job as a father to know,” says Melodie. “We have 2 boys, 10 and 12. If either one of us think something is going on that shouldn't be then we are going to snoop. I check my son's cell phone all the time. My kids are well aware of that and as long as they are going to live in my house and enjoy all the things our hard earned money provides them, then I can snoop whenever I feel like it.”

Angel M. says she monitors her teen’s mobile phone activity because, “How else are you to protect them from cyber bullying, sexting, and child predators?"

No: Kids Deserve Some Privacy and Respect

Many Circle of Moms members share an opinion voiced by Nicole M. who says: "Until your child gives you a reason to be suspicious, and by that I mean more valid than hanging out with a "lost soul" and not telling you all her secrets anymore, they deserve their privacy and respect.” She adds: “If they break that trust, (and for me it would take more than one little 'Hey Mom, I'm going over to A's house to study' when you know well and good they are going out to the movies with Boy B), then all bets are off. I just think, if you show them respect, they will grow and learn to respect you (and others) more too.”

GPS Tracking

Yes: It's So Reassuring

Some Circle of Moms are so intent on monitoring their kids that they've installed a computer chip in their teen's car or are using their teen's cell phone GPS to track its owner's whereabouts. "We have one on my son's car and love it,” says Shea J. “You can have alerts sent to your phone that let you know where he is, how fast he is going. To actually track his movement you have to go online and log in. It works great.”

Patty H. says she feels GPS tracking isn’t snooping. "My philosophy is you have to trust but verify," she explains. "This way I won't have to worry about him; I can look online and see exactly where he is."

No: Leave Tracking to the Police

Other Circle of Moms members feel that getting instant updates on the speed your teen is driving or where he is in the car is taking it too far and is disrespectful. It’s not a good way to help build their self-confidence and show them you trust them, say moms like Jodi. She believes that parents should at least start “by having a talk" and  giving your kids a chance to share where they are and what they are doing.

Bedrooms, Backpacks and Journals

Yes: It’s a Parent’s Duty to Snoop

Going through your child's personal belongings periodically is just part of what a responsible parent does, say some Circle of Moms members. “I agree that it's okay to go through your kids’ stuff,” says Lisa W. “If I find something inappropriate I find some roundabout way to bring it up to her and see if she'll open up about it. By no means do I say, oh, I was in your room snooping and found this or that. You have to protect your kids.”

Kim B., who checks her daughter's backpack, room, cell phone, e-mail and Facebook periodically, maintains that as  long as a child is living under her roof, she "basically has no freedom."

No: You Will Lose Your Child's Trust

Other Circle of Moms feel strongly that children should have a safe place for their private thoughts and feelings and that reading journals and rifling through rooms is an invasion of privacy. “I don't snoop,” says Tara K. "I have a 14-year-old son. If I were concerned about him or anything he was doing, I would talk to him. And if I felt he was being dishonest, I would let him know that I can find out the truth, be it through his friends, their parents, the computer, snooping in his room, etc. He knows I have the power to do all those things, but I have never had to. Snooping under any but the most extreme cases is wrong. My mom read my diary once; I didn't talk to her for a month. She had no reason, no right and I was appalled that she would be so disrespectful of my privacy. She felt awful and admitted to just being curious. Not okay in my book.”

Do you spy on your kids?

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The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

In the decades before the Internet, kids might've found a Playboy or Playgirl magazine hidden in a parents' drawer, but the world of pornography was otherwise more underground. It is probably safe to say that sheltering kids from pornography today is much more complicated. These days, kids who spend any time on the Internet can all too easily find porn, whether intentionally or not. When this happens, what should parents do?

The Birds & the Bees

While most Circle of Moms members agree that curiosity about sex is normal, they feel that pornography isn't so much about sex as it is about power, subjugation and exploitation. And no mom wants her child learning about "the birds and the bees" from a porn video. As Circle of Moms member Little M. notes, finding out that your child is viewing porn is one indication that it's time for that conversation.

However, that "conversation" is hard to have cold. It's much easier if you've laid the groundwork all along by talking frankly to your kids about bodies and boundaries. Creating an ongoing conversation about sex and related issues ideally starts when kids are young, as this sets up an open channel for communication. (Related: When Should You Talk to Your Child About (Gulp) Sex? and 7 Great Books that Explain the Birds & the Bees.)

If your kids are not afraid or embarrassed to talk to bring you their questions about sex, they are much more likely to be transparent when the subject of pornography comes up. But even with that transparency, knowing that your child is viewing porn can be difficult in the age of the Internet.

How Can You Tell Your Child is Viewing Porn?

If you're comfortable searching your child's browser history, you can easily find out what she or he has been looking at — unless your child knows how to erase that history. Another approach, championed by several Circle of Moms members, including JuLeah W. and a mom who goes by "S," is to set boundaries around your child's computer usage. JuLeah's kids can only use computers in public spaces at home. This way she can keep an eye on what they're doing without being obvious about it. "S" does not allow her daughter to be on the computer at all unless she's around to supervise. And moms who use software programs to filter out age-inappropriate content and websites say that parental Internet controls are a must.

Even though I advocate developing trust so that your child doesn't sneak around looking for porn, several moms make the important point that porn is so prevalent online that even kids who are not looking for it can stumble onto it accidentally.

What Kids Should Know About Porn

No matter what your approach to your online controls, sooner or later you may have to talk directly with your child about pornography. Laying the groundwork mentioned above will make it easier to have this conversation when your child shows that he or she is ready or in need.

But what to say? Jen T. aptly points out that what we really want our kids to know is that real sex bears very little relation to pornography. Much Internet pornography has the potential to distort kids' views on what sex is and on what it's for. While some Circle of Moms members limit that definition to procreation, the vast majority think various kinds of sex between consenting adults is healthy, and that the fantasy scenes played out in pornography have little to do with that reality.

Pornography is a challenging subject to discuss with kids, no doubt about it. But I strongly believe that you can remove a lot of its allure — and relieve a lot of your own anxiety — by explaining what it's really about and teaching kids to take responsibility for their own well-being.

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The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

 Parenting is a hot topic. Everywhere you look these days you’ll find books, blogs, and articles promoting or critiquing everything from Tiger Moms to Free Range Kids. But one thing that rarely gets addressed is what's really important here — that parents strive to become better at parenting. Why bother?

Here are three reasons why I think moms and dads should bother to become better at parenting.

1. Parents Need to Be in Step with the Times

Some of our parents parenting skills were great, some not so great. Either way, all of those skills were based on the skills from previous generations. The skills they used were appropriate to their times. The kids from yesteryear were different too. Times were simpler, parents ruled with an iron fist, and kids behaved out of fear.

Today’s kids are far different. Our children face influences that are far more intense than the ones we were exposed to. This generation of kids seems faster, quicker and brighter than generations past. Kids demand more from their parents too. They challenge our knowledge and our parenting skills.

Other things have changed, as well. The economy has changed, the intensity of our work has changed and family life has changed.

One thing that hasn’t really changed are the methods we use to parent, we still believe that punishment is the only way to teach a child, even though we know there are many new methods available. Many of those new methods actually gain better results, too.

We update our computers each time a new version of a program comes out. We need to do the same thing with parenting—we need to upgrade our parenting skills so the family “program” works and doesn’t crash.

2. Childhood is a Test Run for Adulthood

Many regard childhood as nothing more than a frivolous and insignificant time in life. Researchers have told us that even though childhood is simple, playful and wondrous; it’s the most crucial and important time in person’s life.

Childhood is the time when things are logged into the subconscious to be retrieved in later life. A child’s misbehavior and how you correct it teaches them volumes about how the world works, how to get along in a family, who they are, and how to relate to others. In other words, childhood is a test run for adulthood.

All parents know that it’s not helpful to berate, yell or punish a child as they test a new skill. We know it’s far better to support, encourage and teach to help them succeed.

Use whatever you can -- experts on the Internet, sites like mine (Proactive Parenting), or more informal community sites to learn how to structure your corrections into mini-life-lessons that supportively guide your child toward what they need to know in order to control their own behavior.

3. We All Sometimes Need Help

Circle of Moms member Shannin T. asks, “How well do you react to pressure?” No parent likes to react in the heat of the moment, and no child likes to have a parent’s raw reaction dumped on them.

Changing your parenting skills so you can stop reacting can be confusing. You read concept after concept. They seem do-able and yet when you try them, they fail. Why?

They fail because they are not broken down into steps. A lot of parenting experts only talk about concepts and never share the details of how to apply the concept. They never tell you what to look out for, what not to do, and what happens if it doesn’t work. Parents need all the steps in order to learn a new parenting skill.

Here’s a perfect example. Parents are told to listen to their child, give away some power in a situation, and use natural consequences. That’s great conceptual advice. But, is it enough information to truly switch from yelling, punishing and reacting?

A parent needs to know what active listening actually is and how to do it. Parents need to know how much power to give a child in a given situation so that the child doesn’t wind up thinking she’s in charge. And parents need to know how to keep a natural consequence from turning into punishment.

Learning new parenting skills is appropriate for our times. You need to find the methods you want to use and make sure you have all the “steps” to be successful. Sounds like something you would tell your kids, doesn’t it?
 

Sharon Silver is the author of Stop Reacting and Start Responding: 108 Ways to Discipline Consciously and Become the Parent You Want to Be, and the founder of Proactive Parenting. Her book and site help parents gain more patience by responding instead of reacting as they deal with the whirlwind of emotions created by raising kids ages 1-10. Keep up-to-date! Get parenting information sent straight to your inbox. Sign up today to get your Free Newsletter at http://proactiveparenting.net/proactive_parenting_newsletter. Find her on Twitter and Facebook.

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The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

Do you have to remind your child a half dozen times to make the bed, or answer constant complaints about responsibilities around the house? Many Circle of Moms members tout chore chart as the solution.

While not all moms are fans of these lists of daily or weekly responsibilities, moms like Nancy swear by them: “My daughter was a champion dawdler in the morning getting ready for school until we made a chore chart. It worked perfectly.”

If you want to get started – or to change up your current system – check out these tips from other moms on the best chore charts and reward systems.

Visual Charts

Moms of younger children find that including pictures or photos makes the charts more engaging. As Carolyn C. shares: “I made one for my four-year-old by taking photos of her doing certain chores - making her bed, feeding the cat, picking up toys etc.”

Similarly, Kalina N. relays: “The one I did had a bunch of pictures on it of the things my kids need to do. That way it's visual and they love it. I laminated it and put Velcro on it so when they finished that chore it would get covered with another laminated picture … It makes it so much more fun for the kids, too, especially when they get to cover it up.”

Stickers

Numerous moms sing the praises of using stickers on chore charts to mark completed tasks. Not only do stickers help kids keep track of what's been done, they also help kids recognize and take pride in their own accomplishments.

As Nancy W. explains: "We bought a package of colored stars at the dollar store, and [my daughter] felt good about herself when she could fill the whole column. And it made our mornings so much easier and far more pleasant without Mom having to nag constantly."

Becky M. agrees: "Get him stars or stickers or something he can put on himself when he accomplishes things. It [not] only helps avoid arguments, it boosts their self esteem when they see their accomplishments."

Rewards

Many moms recommend giving small rewards for chores, although reward systems vary quite a bit.

Some parents offer a small amount of money for each completed task, while moms like Carloyn C. offer a small item or treat after a certain number of chores are completed: "She gets to put a sticker on each grouping of tasks, and then at the end of each week, she is rewarded with something small: ice cream for dessert, a movie from the library, whatever. She caught on right away and loves it!"

Yvette P., meanwhile, uses a chore reward that would likely work well for older kids: computer time!

Resources

While many moms make their own charts at home, others recommend specific chore chart products. Julia W. likes EasyChild software for chore charting, and uses it for her two teenagers: "It allows you to...adjust as they get older, plus allows customization per [each] child's needs."

Tamara W., meanwhile, uses Chart Jungle: "I get all my charts from Chart Jungle, they have charts for just about everything you would ever need."

Have you found a chore chart system that works for your family?

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To many people, writing letters of thanks is a dying courtesy, but not to Circle of Moms members like Amber D. and Mary R.. As Amber points out, friends and relatives would enjoy giving kids presents even more if they “at least said thank you.”

Not only should kids should write thank you notes, she says, but when they avoid the task, it is a parent's job "to reinforce their manners.”

Why do some moms feel so strongly about this issue? Here are three important benefits they say kids receive from writing thank you notes.

1. It Helps Children Learn to Feel Gratitude

Numerous Circle of Moms members say that encouraging their children to send written notes helps them teach and reinforce the importance of feeling gratitude. Says Missy S., ”I want my kids to be grateful for what they have and not complain. . . .This is one way to teach them to be more grateful and appreciate what they have.”

(Several Circle of Moms members mention another technique they've found for teaching their children to give thanks and appreciate their blessings: “My kids donate some of the toys they get for Christmas as a way to say thank you,” says Carla A., which "teaches them about sacrificial giving.”)

2. It Strengthens a Child's Bonds with Family 

Mary R. says that sending written thank you notes keeps her children connected to their extended family. She had been in the habit of writing thank you notes long before becoming a mom and discovered that it came back to her in spades when her first child was born. All those friends and relatives she'd showed her appreciation to over the years sent "gifts and savings bonds" to welcome her new baby.

But Mary also points out that the impuse to say "thank you" in a formal way goes beyond mere politeness. When her grandparents passed away, she "knew without a doubt" from all her years of sending them thank you notes that they were aware "how much I loved them and appreciated them." She wants her own kids to have the same kind of tight bonds with extended and far-flung family members.

3. Good Manners Help Kids Succeed in Life

Many Circle of Moms members feel it is important for their kids to send thank you notes simply because people love getting them. The practice of writing these notes helps kids develop critical social skills that are essential to maintaining strong relationships. As a Circle of Moms member who calls herself "Schmoopy" explains, “It’s part of a larger issue of manners."

Do you make your kids send thank you notes?

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The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.