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Advice For Attending a Friend's Wedding

Group Therapy: Should I Go to My Friend's Wedding?

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

My friend is getting married soon and she is expecting me to be involved in her wedding. She and her fiancé have had many, many ups and downs. Actually way more downs than ups from the very beginning of their relationship. They both have a lot of personal issues and baggage, so it makes their relationship difficult. I have been friends with her for a couple of years and she has always been very negative about life, and her relationship with her fiancé has caused problems between us. They have a very toxic relationship. I told her awhile back that her relationship and her negativity toward life made me drift away and that I couldn't deal with her anymore. I told her we can be friends, but we can't be close like before. Like we can hang out once in a while but she can't call me for problems like she used to because it's pointless for me to help her. She recently sent out an invitation to me, hinting that she wanted me to help her out with the wedding.

Keep reading for the rest of her dilemma and to offer your advice!

I'm thinking, why should I? I know this sounds mean, but I don't want to participate in her charade. She has told me before that the reason why she is staying with him is because she thinks she can't find anyone else. And that if someone better came along she would leave him. I used to think he was a big jerk for treating my friend like crap, but she's not so nice herself either. She told me I should be happy for her and support her relationship with him. I feel like why should I waste my money and time when they are treating the relationship/marriage like it's a joke? Should I go or not? What should I say to her?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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lickety-split lickety-split 5 years
you aren't a friend to her. you're the pretender if you don't own what you already know.
searching-soul searching-soul 5 years
I agree with Lovelittle and Joe. She might be feeling more alone than you think, you're not doing yourself any harm by at least showing up. Show her that you care about her on some level even if you guys are no longer close. You can care about someone but not be a big part of their lives. You can disagree with their choices and still care about them. People do not have to conform to our ideas of what we think is best for them. This is a once in a lifetime event, therefore you can continue to distance yourself after the wedding, it's not like you have to see her often.
searching-soul searching-soul 5 years
I agree with Lovelittle and Joe. She might be feeling more alone than you think, you're not doing yourself any harm by at least showing up. Show her that you care about her on some level even if you guys are no longer close. You can care about someone but not be a big part of their lives. You can disagree with their choices and still care about them. People do not have to conform to our ideas of what we think is best for them. This is a once in a lifetime event, therefore you can continue to distance yourself after the wedding, it's not like you have to see her often.
lovelittle lovelittle 5 years
the bottom line is she is your friend and you should go for that reason. going doesn't mean you support the marriage but that you support her. what you could do is not attend the actual "i do because i feel like i have to" vows and just go to the reception.
totygoliguez totygoliguez 5 years
If you are close friends, you should go. It's not your place to judge her relationship and dictate how she should live her life. But if you are not close, and you don't want to go, make an excuse and don't
testadura67 testadura67 5 years
More than anything, it sounds like you don't WANT to go. You've already set your boundaries, so if you don't want to go, don't go. You don't owe this girl anything.
sweetpea1987 sweetpea1987 5 years
Go, but let her know you would rather not help out. Tell her to ask the bridesmaids to help w/ all the planning b/c you feel they are much cloer to her than you are now.
Miss-Kaylie Miss-Kaylie 5 years
I agree with atraditionalist. If you want to cut ties completely this is an opportunity to do so. If you want to keep it light and still stay in touch with her, then go, but don't help out.
GTCB GTCB 5 years
Meh. Say no, and then go on a trip or something that weekend so you have a legit reason not to be there.
atraditionalist atraditionalist 5 years
if you want to remain acquaintances wiht her than go to the wedding. If you want to end it all for good don't go. In both situations I also wouldn't help out with the wedding details if she asked. It all depends on how close you want to remain to this girl-if you don't go and tell her the reason why that's probably the end
aliciatx aliciatx 5 years
I went thru exactly the same thing. A girl I used to be close to married an abusive guy. I tried for a long while to help her gain some confidence & not put up with someone that hurt her, but she was so desperate to be married that it all fell on deaf ears. She ended up marrying him & inviting me to the wedding but I didn't go. I didn't feel comfortable sitting there and pretending to be supportive of an unhealthy relationship. Her friends and I eventually got tired of trying to convince her that she deserved better. It's sad because we really did want to help her, but she was not receptive. Good luck, I know something like this isn't easy.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 5 years
OP, I agree you should attend but not help out. If you go, make this clear to her. If she gets offended by this, then by all means do not go.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 5 years
OP, I agree you should attend but not help out. If you go, make this clear to her. If she gets offended by this, then by all means do not go.
AnonV AnonV 5 years
@VioletBloom, I agree, however, when things change and you have your boundaires, well, there are things such as a divorce of friendship. She's pretty much already done that with this girl and her drama.The reality is, the friendship was downgraded to "It was great seeing you again. We should grab coffee sometimes...". And if you're annoyed with the idea that these two are entering in a sacred union, then don't be bothered with the event.Yes, weddings are meant to be enjoyed, but again it is the celebration of a sacred union between two persons who love each other. You go to weddings to be a part of that love. Not because the cake and wine is good. Now if you're the type that can only get through weddings because there is cake and wine, then by all means, show up.Expect her to be salty if you tell her the reason why you're declining to help out (this is IF she asks and you don't want to lie). Expect her to tell her a*sy fiance who is going to be salty towards you if he sees you at the reception. Yeah, envision the reception. You don't wanna go.You're already uneasy with just the invite coming in the mail, don't let her drama hijack your emotions any further.
AnonV AnonV 5 years
@VioletBloom, I agree, however, when things change and you have your boundaires, well, there are things such as a divorce of friendship. She's pretty much already done that with this girl and her drama. The reality is, the friendship was downgraded to "It was great seeing you again. We should grab coffee sometimes...". And if you're annoyed with the idea that these two are entering in a sacred union, then don't be bothered with the event. Yes, weddings are meant to be enjoyed, but again it is the celebration of a sacred union between two persons who love each other. You go to weddings to be a part of that love. Not because the cake and wine is good. Now if you're the type that can only get through weddings because there is cake and wine, then by all means, show up. Expect her to be salty if you tell her the reason why you're declining to help out (this is IF she asks and you don't want to lie). Expect her to tell her a*sy fiance who is going to be salty towards you if he sees you at the reception. Yeah, envision the reception. You don't wanna go. You're already uneasy with just the invite coming in the mail, don't let her drama hijack your emotions any further.
VioletBloom VioletBloom 5 years
I really think you shouldn't help her with the wedding. You already had a conversation that you guys shouldn't be close friends anymore. Don't do something that you are not willing to do because it's going to make it worst for her. Also, I think you should go to the wedding unless you are tight with money. . I don't think you should decline because it seems like a fake wedding. Just think of it as any wedding. Weddings are meant to be enjoyed so just sit back and chill and don't worry about anythingShe sounds like a friend I used to have. Her bf caused a lot of issues between us. Mainly he was treating her like crap and she would break up and make up with him. She would complain constantly about him calling me for my advice but in the end, she still would go back to him. She was also negative about life and I couldn't deal with it anymore. It's basically a toxic friendship and she was sooo emotional.And AnonV, it seems like she was a good friend, but who can handle the toxicity in a friendship? Friends are supposed to make you feel good, not drive you crazy.Good luck!
VioletBloom VioletBloom 5 years
I really think you shouldn't help her with the wedding. You already had a conversation that you guys shouldn't be close friends anymore. Don't do something that you are not willing to do because it's going to make it worst for her. Also, I think you should go to the wedding unless you are tight with money. . I don't think you should decline because it seems like a fake wedding. Just think of it as any wedding. Weddings are meant to be enjoyed so just sit back and chill and don't worry about anything She sounds like a friend I used to have. Her bf caused a lot of issues between us. Mainly he was treating her like crap and she would break up and make up with him. She would complain constantly about him calling me for my advice but in the end, she still would go back to him. She was also negative about life and I couldn't deal with it anymore. It's basically a toxic friendship and she was sooo emotional. And AnonV, it seems like she was a good friend, but who can handle the toxicity in a friendship? Friends are supposed to make you feel good, not drive you crazy. Good luck!
AnonV AnonV 5 years
You sound like you don't really like the girl at all. She's not your friend, she's an acquaintance.Don't go. Decline her invite and her asking (hinting) for help. Best to let people know where you stand as oppose to you trying then bolting the minute her and her fiance have a fight.So just be honest with her. She deserves THAT much from a "friend".
AnonV AnonV 5 years
You sound like you don't really like the girl at all. She's not your friend, she's an acquaintance. Don't go. Decline her invite and her asking (hinting) for help. Best to let people know where you stand as oppose to you trying then bolting the minute her and her fiance have a fight. So just be honest with her. She deserves THAT much from a "friend".
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