I have always had a very hard time making friends. When in school, I would meet people but the relationships would never progress to being outside of the classroom. In my adult life, it has been much of the same thing. I meet people at work and in passing but am never able to develop a relationship with them outside of this. There have been times when I have tried to reach out to someone by giving them a call or sending an email but I get no response or the person brushes me off. Everyone has a desire for human contact and friendship, so the thing that I learned to do was to meet people in online chat rooms.
Most of my online friends are people that I have chatted with online for 10 years or more. I have only met one of my online friends with whom I ended up dating for three years. We met when I was 23 and he ended up being my first everything. But the relationship came at a very big price. He was very selfish and self-absorbed. I paid for flights for him to come visit, lent him money, helped him with school. I did so much for him and he did so little for me. But I felt the need to stay in the relationship because he kept me company and I did not want to be alone. Through all his cheating and verbal abuse, I stuck around. When he broke up with me, I agreed to remain friends with him even though I knew it wasn't a good idea. That too went sour and now I am back to square one of being by myself and chatting online. I miss the around-the-clock text messages and the once-every-three-months visits but understand that I deserve more than that.
Today, I live with the feeling that the only friend I ever had was one that I paid for. I committed to staying away from the chat room for a short time but am now online more than ever and back to the ways that got me into the toxic relationship in the first place. I've tried getting myself out of the house to meet people the good old fashion way but nobody speaks to me when I go out. The chat rooms have become very addictive to me because its the only way I get social interaction. I'm unhappy with my situation but see no way out of it.
I am very friendly and smile a lot. I am not ugly, I'm a size-zero attractive person . . . just don't understand why my life is turning out this way. Maybe I am not destined to have friends. What do you think?