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Am I Being Fickle or Am I Settling?

"Am I Being Fickle or Am I Settling?"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I have an amazing boyfriend. He's smart, confident, has a great personality, and always makes me laugh. He's got his life in order, a great job, a car, and a house. The only down side is that I'm not all physically attracted to him. He's quite short and hair is receding (he's only 32). PLEASE do not knock me on that — I love him and can find him adorable and handsome. It's just it's not the image I had thought of when I dreamed of my future man.

When we began our relationship, he mentioned that he's not interested in marrying anytime soon. I was relieved as I have had many attempts of previous ex-boyfriends bringing up marriage, and I'm just not ready (now I'm 26). Recently, though, he's dropped hints that his mind has changed. He would like children in the next three years. He even winked and said we "might be official sooner than I think!" I cringed but didn't reply, "Um, no!" With all his comments, I gave a slight forced smile, but obviously wasn't ecstatic about it.

I'm not sure if I'm ready for marriage. I mean — if there was one to be with, he'd be a good candidate. I'm admitting I'm not ready and I'm not jumping up and down at the idea of being with him forever, so does this automatically mean I shouldn't consider him for marriage? If so, do I continue with the relationship, but make it clear I'm not looking for marriage? Maybe I'll change my mind 2 years from now, but maybe I won't?

I've always been a fickle woman. I hate making life changing decisions, especially with relationships. I don't want to toy with this man, but I don't want to let him go. Maybe I'm being stupid, and he really is someone I should hold on to. Ladies, have you felt this way? Have any advice?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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Serene18 Serene18 4 years
Throughout my years (not speaking as if I had many) one thing that I have learned about relationships is that you almost will never find exactly what your're looking for and that's realistic. When you change your views about people, not lower your standards, you will find true happiness. Here you said that you have an awesome guy who loves you and I'm sure treats you with a lot of respect, that's is all that one could ask for. I'm not going to sugarcoat and say that sometimes looks does not matter but if they're lacking in one department but have something else to make up for it, why not? I love my boyfriend to death, our sex life was not so great in the very beginning but I didn't look at that as a mishap, I just loved who I was doing it with and that's what was satisfying me. True love comes with sacrifices and devotion. I'm not trying to knock you but if this is how you felt then why lead him on? Surely it did not come up out of the blue. Does he know that you didn't want to be in it for the long run? I think for every couple, future plans should be a major thing to discuss because another may not share your same wishes and it could be left at that so that no one is hurt in the long run. And of course you should bring it up. He wants what you don't want. He wants a future with you but you don't. The fact that your're questioning it in the first place is Red flag that your're not happy with the thought that eventually you'll leave him. It's not fair to him or to you. Communication, that is all.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 4 years
He is not going to understand when you gradually stop wanting to have sex with him because you're not attracted to him. It'll feel like a bait and switch from his perspective. You have no obligation to be with him. It doesn't matter whether he or anyone else would find your objections legit. It's your life. But you do owe your boyfriend the truth about your ambivalent feelings. He deserves to know about your uncertainty so that he has all the information he needs to make his own plans for the future. You don't have to tell him goodbye immediately. Just start verbalizing some of your thoughts. But...be kind and do not put down his looks. Or, God forbid, bring up the fact that he is short. That'd be unnecessary. And it would give him a complex and a chip on his shoulder that the rest of womankind in the dating world would have to deal with later. Instead, I'd recommend phrasing it as being a lack-of-chemistry problem. And talk about how you feel more of a family bond with him than a romantic one. He'll still get the picture, especially if you are persistent about it and don't fake any attraction out of politeness.
bisou002 bisou002 4 years
I have been in this very situation - wonderful guy, lacking physical attraction. Do him a favor and end things now, before it gets any more serious. If you aren't attracted to him now, you won't be attracted to him in two years. I wish I had known this before I moved in with my ex-boyfriend (he bought a condo for us, was ring shopping, the whole shebang). I ended up breaking his heart and it was a really sad situation.
kimmieb124 kimmieb124 4 years
He sounds like a great guy, but if you aren't attracted to him now, chance are you won't be attracted to him later.  If you aren't ready for marriage, you should reiterate that with him and have a discussion about it with him the next time he makes a comment about it.  When you are ready and with the right guy, the suggestion of marriage won't make you cringe--you will be ecstatic when the time and the person is right.  Too many people try to rationalize the marriage decision when their heart isn't in it.  They say that the person seems like a good fit and it's the next logical step in the relationship, etc.  But if you truly view marriage as a lifetime committment, then it has to make sense in your heart as well as your head.  Right now, marrying this guy doesn't seem like it makes sense to your heart and I think to be fair to him you need to have that conversation rather than stringing him along hoping one day you will feel differently.
dikke-kus dikke-kus 4 years
I would think about this a little deeper. He's putting on the pressure and giving you hints. Why waste another two years if you already get the feeling you don't really love him. It's not a good sign when you actually panic at the thought of marriage, without an ounce of enthusiasm. Where are your feelings? Ever get butterflies in your stomach once for the guy? He's a good catch? Nice job? - whatever. It sounds a little cold, and somewhat patronizing for someone who's in a deep relationship.
Padawan-Pri Padawan-Pri 4 years
Attracted! Not attractive! I give up! Damn you autocorrect!
Padawan-Pri Padawan-Pri 4 years
Grrr! Typing on iPad in bed. Sorry for grammatical errors. Meant his percieved shortcoming (from your perspective) might be awesome to another girl. You deserve someone who ticks as many boxes as possible, as does he. I think he'd be very hurt if he knew what you were thinking. Imagine if he felt that way about you. There's someone for everyone and maybe he's not for you if you aren't physically attractive.
Padawan-Pri Padawan-Pri 4 years
Please be honest with him if you don't want to marry him. I'd hate to think this "smart, confident guy" getting turned down :-( If you aren't feeling it (which is of course allowed - can't manufacture chemistry) - please just let him go. I am 25 and dating a man who is in his late 30s and if find the mature, thinning hair (from excess testosterone) and wonder characteristics a serious turn on - think Jason Stratham. Grr! If you aren't attracted to the man, leave him to the girls like me and find someone who rocks your world on all levels. You deserve that as does he.
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