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Am I Over-reacting?

Dear Sugar
I recently went through a very bad breakup with the father of my daughter. We were together for three years and my friend witnessed and supported me through many hard times. While we were dating, my boyfriend never liked her because of all the time that we spent together, and the feeling was mutual. She hated the way he treated me; and with good reason.

The other night, my friend and I were on the phone talking about her apartment search. I mentioned that my ex was also looking for a new, cheaper place and my friend had the audacity to suggest living with him. I was blown away by her proposal as this is the same ex that she can't stand to even be in the same room with.

After I snapped at her in response, she thought I was being irrational and acted like her idea was just a big joke. Why would my so called friend even suggest something like that to me, whether it was a joke or not? Do you think I have a right to be upset with her or is she right? Am I over-reacting? Pissed off Pamela

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Pissed off Pamela
You have every right to be upset with your friend. Even though she said her roommate suggestion was a joke, it was hurtful. Perhaps calmly explaining to her why you got so upset might make her understand where you are coming from.

Your friend might be acting defensive because she knows her comment was ridiculous and wrong. Try apologizing for snapping at her and then say something to this effect:

"I am really sorry for snapping at you the other day, but suggesting to live with my ex after all we have been through was a pretty low blow to me. You hurt my feelings. I don't want to dwell on this, but I just want you to know how you made me feel."

Flipping the situation and asking her how she would feel if the circumstance was reversed might help as well. If she still can't understand why you are disappointed by her remark then she might not be that good of a friend after all.

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Join The Conversation
ethiopian_princess ethiopian_princess 9 years
As one who easily offends, I'm going to say that you're being irrational. They hate each other. YOU brought up the fact that your ex was looking for a place, not her. If you're hypersensitive about him, don't bring him up and maybe then your friend won't feel obligated to respond.
Toronado Toronado 9 years
It was sarcasm. Lighten up.
gossipqueen gossipqueen 9 years
If it SOUNDS like a joke and there was no seriousness behind it then it was a joke.... on the other hand .... I have this little devil telling me that maybe your friends ALWAYS wanted your ex...some people cover like with dislike....
BeachBarbie BeachBarbie 9 years
Twinkle, I had the same thought too. I like M155 J4CK13's suggestion..I like to know who my friends are, and who is about to stab a knife in my back. I don't like the idea of testing people, and I don't do it..it seems like a cr*ppy thing to do. But, if Pamela really wanted to find out..it's good suggestion.
Twinkle1 Twinkle1 9 years
There's a thin line between love and hate. Could it be that she actually likes your ex? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Finnish Lapland ~ The home of the real Santa
a-nonny-mouse a-nonny-mouse 9 years
It sounds like she was being facetious -- not malicious or purposely inconsiderate. I wouldn't have assumed she was serious, but it is understandable that you still feel raw about your Former-Guy and were hurt by the comment. I'd just chalk it up to poorly executed humor and a misunderstanding -- but Miss Jackie had a good suggestion (it made total sense to me, 'cause my mind works that way, too). Perhaps you should try that angle if you still have concerns. (But, honestly, it was probably humor gone awry.)
Vsugar Vsugar 9 years
It sounds like it was a joke - perhaps it was in poor taste, but sounds like a joke.
kh61582 kh61582 9 years
Well, only you know this person so anything anyone else says is pre speculation however I think it sounds a little fishy. Your best bet to play it off like you overreacted and get down to the truth. Encourage her and help her to feel comfortable and then when you know for sure....then you can kick her ass because friends messing around with ex is just not cool.
lickety-split lickety-split 9 years
who cares? he treated you like crap but since he's the father of your child you still have him in your life. better her than some unknown. you clearly don't want him (which sounds smart) so why would it bother you if she moved in? you got away from him and are on your own with your daughter and doing fine, right? you don't need him so let who ever wants him have at it. he won't treat her any differently than he did you (may seem like he does initially but that won't last) and what sweet satisfaction you can have as you very carefully apply lipstick in your hand mirror while listening to your "friend" bemoan his poor treatment of her "oh dear, (sigh). sorry sweetie but i have a date with my new hottie boyfriend. don't wait by the phone to long, it's just too depressing. buh-bye".
M155-J4CK13 M155-J4CK13 9 years
No one is going to like my take on this, but nevertheless: I find it strange that she made it into a joke AFTER you expressed your disapproval. When she said it initially, did she sound as though she was joking? If not, then her "joking" was just a cover-up for her outrageous statement. If you really want to find out the truth (and possibly be a little manipulative in the process), the next time you see her, tell her that you overreacted and that you think it would be a good idea for your ex to share an apartment with her. Be completely straight faced. See how she reacts. If she says "No way. I really was just kidding," then you can be sure it was a joke. If she says "Oh, good. I thought I really offended you. Tell him that I'm interested," well then... you know her true motivations.
bluejeanie bluejeanie 9 years
since your friend and your ex hate each other, i'm guessing that it was a joke. i would just talk to her and explain that you didn't mean to overreact but it's a little soon to joke about someone who hurt you so much. if she's that good of a friend, she'll understand.
Moni-B Moni-B 9 years
It could be just me, but I would see it as your friend trying to lighten the mood, cheer you up, make you feel better, etc. She is your friend and she must care about you and your feelings, especially in times that you were arguing with your former significant other. Why would she say something to intentionally hurt you? If her hate for your ex is so apparent, I would imagine that a comment like that would be pure, blatent sarcasm. But still, maybe the joke was too soon and with you going through a hard time, it caught you off guard. I think it probably would be good to apologize to her and explain your side, that you're emotionally sensitive and now wasn't the time to start turning the situation into jokes. In turn, she will probably see how hurtful the comment was to you and apologize for saying something that invoked such ire in you.
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