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Am I a Terrible Dater?

Group Therapy: Am I Just a Prep School For Guys?

This question comes from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

First off, I'm just gonna say it — I'm young, so go ahead and say what you will. I'm a college student in my third year, and everywhere I turn people are in relationships. I've never truly had a serious relationship and as of five minutes ago, have just been rejected by yet another guy I wasted the better part of this year on.

It seems like anyone I connect with usually ends up hurting me. Everything goes along so well for months then suddenly it's just over — and usually because of another girl. I feel like I'm a prep school for these guys — just guiding them along and onto the perfect girl who never ends up being me. And seriously, every girl the guys go to they end up falling in love with. After being with me, at least six of the guys I've dated have pursued long term relationships with girl #2. Why am I never that person?

I'm way too young to already be burnt out on this process. I'm confident I have much to offer someone, but my hope for someone ever actually taking the chance dwindles with every person I date. So I know this seems petty, but I would appreciate some advice.

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it, anonymously, to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.


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HollyJRockNRoll HollyJRockNRoll 5 years
This is a ratty question but are you "giving them a piece?" Sometimes guys will just hang around you for sex (big shocker there), and still be looking for a girlfriend in their free time. As it has been said, work on yourself, and education and don't send out the vibe you only have "boyfriend" on the brain. Its a turn off, even when a person initially likes you. If you don't want to feel like you are wasting your time with guys who will not make you a girlfriend in the end, then don't engage in sexual acts with them- granted, I am totally assuming you are engaging in sexual activity with them. If you are not, then just hang in there. Enjoy your single life. Imitate men. How many good looking, fun, sexy, interesting men do you know who sit around talking about why girls don't want to make them their boyfriends??
dreamalittledream dreamalittledream 5 years
It's frustrating, but sometimes it just happens, sometimes it's timing, and sometimes you need to step back and think why you are choosing these guys-do they have a pattern, or are you not taking yourself seriously, or are you taking yourself too seriously? I'm not saying you're doing anything wrong, or to change or anything like that, but sometimes self-evaluation can be helpful. Good luck!
sarah_bellum sarah_bellum 5 years
OP, I'm in my third year of college and find myself in a similar situation. I got jilted for some other girl after a year and a half of being strung along by a real douche (I fully accept that I was a fool for those 18 months... lesson learned). Anyways, if you don't want to date around then don't, I don't really feel the desire/need to right now. I'm not too into the idea of casual dating in the modern sense, anyways. I've spent enough time on my own and with male friends and with successful couples to know more or less who I am and what I want, so I sort of shrug my shoulders at it all. When it happens it'll happen I guess. I sort of look at the time in between then and now to focus on becoming someone that a great guy would want to be with for the long haul. I really like Helen's advice. Focus on developing yourself and take dating off the table for the foreseeable future. There are much better things to fret about at your age, anyways.
sarah_bellum sarah_bellum 5 years
OP,I'm in my third year of college and find myself in a similar situation. I got jilted for some other girl after a year and a half of being strung along by a real douche (I fully accept that I was a fool for those 18 months... lesson learned). Anyways, if you don't want to date around then don't, I don't really feel the desire/need to right now. I'm not too into the idea of casual dating in the modern sense, anyways. I've spent enough time on my own and with male friends and with successful couples to know more or less who I am and what I want, so I sort of shrug my shoulders at it all. When it happens it'll happen I guess. I sort of look at the time in between then and now to focus on becoming someone that a great guy would want to be with for the long haul.I really like Helen's advice. Focus on developing yourself and take dating off the table for the foreseeable future. There are much better things to fret about at your age, anyways.
redjupe44 redjupe44 5 years
I'm in the same situation and I am the same age too! It can be frustrating that we keep getting rejected by guys that seem to like us for months, and then all of a sudden change their minds or find a "better" girl. Like others have said, we should just try to enjoy being single and have fun. Guys are the last thing we should worry about. We should enjoy being single and independent while we can :)
weffie weffie 5 years
Isn't this basically the plot of Good Luck Chuck? Maybe watching it will give you ideas, or at least give you a few laughs to lighten up the situation :)
kimmieb124 kimmieb124 5 years
I didn't find my husband until I was 26, and in retrospect I think that was for the best. I liked having my 20's to be single and have fun, even if at the time I could relate to how you are feeling. I think you should enjoy your time now to find out more about yourself, to focus on your interests, and to meet new poeple, including other single ladies who you can hang out with and have fun with even if a guy is not in the picture. In the process of exploring your interests and meeting new people, you may meet a guy who wants to commit to you and/or you may realize that you are just fine with or without a guy by your side.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 5 years
Aw, this could have been written by college-aged me. I totally relate! I disagree about becoming "dark, mysterious and hard," or dating a ton of people if that's not something you find fulfilling. The number one turnoff for guys is desperation. So, even though I know it's really difficult, try not to want a relationship so badly. For the record, I'm 26 now and in a long term relationship that is headed to marriage. I'm so, so happy that I had the opportunity to date all kinds of guys in college, have amazing dates and terrible ones, and now be really sure that the guy I'm with is the right one for me. So cheer up, buttercup, everything will work out. Just focus on having fun and figuring out who you are.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 5 years
Aw, this could have been written by college-aged me. I totally relate! I disagree about becoming "dark, mysterious and hard," or dating a ton of people if that's not something you find fulfilling. The number one turnoff for guys is desperation. So, even though I know it's really difficult, try not to want a relationship so badly. For the record, I'm 26 now and in a long term relationship that is headed to marriage. I'm so, so happy that I had the opportunity to date all kinds of guys in college, have amazing dates and terrible ones, and now be really sure that the guy I'm with is the right one for me. So cheer up, buttercup, everything will work out. Just focus on having fun and figuring out who you are.
imLissy imLissy 5 years
I don't agree that you should dating a bunch of different guys if that's not what you want. Not everyone thinks dating is fun. But don't stress about being in a relationship either. Putting too much pressure on yourself or on the guys you got out with will just make things worse. Don't get too attached and just go with the flow. If it works out, good, if not, move on. Don't look for the relationship, let the relationship find you.
imLissy imLissy 5 years
I don't agree that you should dating a bunch of different guys if that's not what you want. Not everyone thinks dating is fun.But don't stress about being in a relationship either. Putting too much pressure on yourself or on the guys you got out with will just make things worse. Don't get too attached and just go with the flow. If it works out, good, if not, move on. Don't look for the relationship, let the relationship find you.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
You wrote this five minutes after being rejected. Which really hurts. And it skews your attitude about life for a little bit.If a guy doesn't want you, he's the wrong guy for you. Period. Don't turn it back on yourself. Whatever it is you have, someone will want it. But maybe college guys aren't the right market for you.You might have to wait until you get into the real world before you find a guy who understands you. So take the time to become really interesting. The more interesting you are and the more together you are, the cooler the man will be who wants you.Stop being the starter girl and the practice chick. Be the dark unapproachable woman with a mysterious past and a hard attitude about men. Anything's gotta be better than what you've been doing so far, right?
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
You wrote this five minutes after being rejected. Which really hurts. And it skews your attitude about life for a little bit. If a guy doesn't want you, he's the wrong guy for you. Period. Don't turn it back on yourself. Whatever it is you have, someone will want it. But maybe college guys aren't the right market for you. You might have to wait until you get into the real world before you find a guy who understands you. So take the time to become really interesting. The more interesting you are and the more together you are, the cooler the man will be who wants you. Stop being the starter girl and the practice chick. Be the dark unapproachable woman with a mysterious past and a hard attitude about men. Anything's gotta be better than what you've been doing so far, right?
dikke-kus dikke-kus 5 years
Lighten up. You are way too serious about finding a boyfriend at 17 or 18? I'm sorry but give me a break. You're in college and preparing for a degree and a career. You sound like a 40 year old with two kids and a divorce. You have your life ahead of you. You should find something more interesting to think about than your love life and then maybe someone would find you more interesting.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 5 years
You're right. You're young. I don't know how you act in real life but you're treating it as if it's a 'job' or something.Take a break from dating, in fact, take a whole year off from the thought of 'long term relationship.' Just focus on your study, getting ready to graduate, internship, potential job finding, and other interests (volunteer, hobbies, whatever). If someone asked you out, just go out and don't think about making him your bf/potential long term bf. Have fun. Don't stress too much about dating.Good luck.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 5 years
You're right. You're young. I don't know how you act in real life but you're treating it as if it's a 'job' or something. Take a break from dating, in fact, take a whole year off from the thought of 'long term relationship.' Just focus on your study, getting ready to graduate, internship, potential job finding, and other interests (volunteer, hobbies, whatever). If someone asked you out, just go out and don't think about making him your bf/potential long term bf. Have fun. Don't stress too much about dating. Good luck.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 5 years
You're a college student. How long can a "long term relationship with girl #2" be?Why is it that so many young women are so bent on being in a relationship? This is the time you should be dating a ton of different people, and figuring out what you want. The years of single life are short relative to the years that many people spend married..you should be HAVING FUN! Hear that? HAVING FUN!You come across pretty bitter in your post, and who knows, maybe to the guys you date, they get that vibe. Or, maybe you come across as a little desperate for a long term thing, and they freak and bail.I can't give you the answer why, but if you are as burned out as you say, take a break from it, find some other activities that you enjoy and don't focus on guys so much, and when you are ready, please just date a bunch of people and have some fun. I agree with soulsearcher on this one.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 5 years
You're a college student. How long can a "long term relationship with girl #2" be? Why is it that so many young women are so bent on being in a relationship? This is the time you should be dating a ton of different people, and figuring out what you want. The years of single life are short relative to the years that many people spend married..you should be HAVING FUN! Hear that? HAVING FUN! You come across pretty bitter in your post, and who knows, maybe to the guys you date, they get that vibe. Or, maybe you come across as a little desperate for a long term thing, and they freak and bail. I can't give you the answer why, but if you are as burned out as you say, take a break from it, find some other activities that you enjoy and don't focus on guys so much, and when you are ready, please just date a bunch of people and have some fun. I agree with soulsearcher on this one.
soulsearcher83 soulsearcher83 5 years
Don't just date one guy at a time. Dont' commit to one person until you know that they are committed to you. If you date a variety of guys at the same time you open your options up and don't end up settling for a guy who doens't want to be with you.
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