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Ask a Bad Boy: Are Hot Men Only Interested in Hot Women?

Steve Santagati, the author of The Manual, is back! To ask Steve questions of your own, simply submit them here or in the comments section below. Enjoy!

Dear Steve,

I'm no Ugly Betty, but I'm not a super model either, and I'm having a hard time meeting a man. It seems like the hot men I'm attracted to are only attracted to beautiful women — regardless of their personality — and I'm starting to feel incredibly discouraged. Whatever happened to a guy being interested in a woman for her charisma, her humor, or her intelligence? I'm trying hard not to lump all men into the same category, but not one has proven me wrong. Are men really that shallow? Are looks all that matter? — Frustrated Faith

To see Steve's answer

Dear Frustrated Faith,

It can be argued that men are — in fact — more shallow than women. Yes, men are more visually driven creatures and we're often obvious in the reasons behind our female selections. At least with men you know what you're up against. But women are tricky in what they say versus how they execute their mating decisions. Women are often just as bad as men, though their criteria may be different, the superficial standards garner the same results; women want someone hot.

How often have you heard this, it's like a broken record; "I want him to love me for me, I want him to love me for my inside." Yea, well what if the "outside" is lazy, unkempt, and lacks basic femininity? There are women out there who will blame men for being a "Shallow Hal" when in fact it's their own fault men don't notice or ask them out. Think about it, if you saw a house covered in vines with rats running around the front yard, I doubt you'd want to take a look inside. Even if that "inside" is the Taj Mahal, you have to look good inside and outside.

The problem(s):

  1. Many women and men try to date out of their league in looks, education, and life interests.
  2. Many women and men don't take the time to eat properly, dress well, or take care of their bodies, yet they still expect to get a stud or a studette.
  3. Many women make excuses and blame people — other than themselves — for their misfortune in love. Remember; whenever you point your finger, you have three fingers pointing back at yourself. Cliche maybe, but true.

The solution:

  1. Stand in the mirror naked. Love your body type regardless of what type it is. Don't read women's magazines or let TV tell you what sexy is. Men love all types. We just don't love lazy and unhealthy. It's not more complicated than that.
  2. Take stock of "what you have to bring to the table". Are you well traveled? Do you have a ton of hobbies? Are you funny and fun to be with? Do you like music? How smart are you? What kind of shape are you in? Are you a sex machine? Go for someone that is equal or maybe one rung up in those categories.
  3. Be culpable and honest with yourself; we're all shallow to some degree or another. I've challenged the "love me for my inside" types by telling them I had a great guy for them. I explained that he weighed 350 pounds, didn't have all his teeth, and was balding. I also explained that he's loyal, cooks, loves sex, and adores women. To this match attempt I've received a steady breath of "no ways".

So in the end — ladies and gentlemen — we are all shallow; some of which is based in our proclivity towards following natural selection and part of which is rooted in stupidity or delusion. The news you can use is: In the beginning, we're all a bit shallow, but what keeps a relationship going is charisma, humor, and intelligence. [And a million other things, but I'll leave it at that!]



To purchase The Manual, click here and if you're wondering where Steve got that T-shirt he's wearing, click here to shop his entire assortment!

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SaucySassy SaucySassy 7 years
Can Sugar give GScott86 his own posting like "Ask a Regular Guy" instead of steve's?? - LOVE his answers!!
alexask alexask 7 years
i think when the questioner said she falls for "hot" guys, she was referring to the general western standard of hot - tall, dark and handsome. i kind of understand where she is coming from. cause although society has done so many flips and turns, the men still do seem to have more advantage of getting the girl they want than vice-versa. luckily for me, although i can acknowledge the attractiveness of those hot tall dark and handsome guys, i'm usually not actually attracted to them. i think the questioner was just saying she genuinely is physically attracted to those types.
alexask alexask 7 years
i think when the questioner said she falls for "hot" guys, she was referring to the general western standard of hot - tall, dark and handsome. i kind of understand where she is coming from. cause although society has done so many flips and turns, the men still do seem to have more advantage of getting the girl they want than vice-versa.luckily for me, although i can acknowledge the attractiveness of those hot tall dark and handsome guys, i'm usually not actually attracted to them. i think the questioner was just saying she genuinely is physically attracted to those types.
le-romantique le-romantique 7 years
its strange to read all of these peoples responses/comments... I generally fall for tall "burly" men with beards... thats not usually considered "hot". i love bigger men, i hate muscles with a passion, and i can't stand stick thin men. SO yes, that would make me superficial, but as they say, everyone has their own version of 'whats hot'. So really, the original poster may think, that all the hot guys are the sterotypical nerds: glasses, pocket protector, etc.. and maybe shes mad cuz they all fall for women of the same 'look'. I dont know, im rambling. either way, i don't really like this post at all. The 'hot' guy (whom i find to be slimy and dirty car sales man-esq) always has horrible responses that make me glad i'm not dating a guy like him. All the questions are generally horribly shallow and superficial as well... but, its entertaining to read.
le-romantique le-romantique 7 years
its strange to read all of these peoples responses/comments... I generally fall for tall "burly" men with beards... thats not usually considered "hot". i love bigger men, i hate muscles with a passion, and i can't stand stick thin men. SO yes, that would make me superficial, but as they say, everyone has their own version of 'whats hot'. So really, the original poster may think, that all the hot guys are the sterotypical nerds: glasses, pocket protector, etc.. and maybe shes mad cuz they all fall for women of the same 'look'.I dont know, im rambling. either way, i don't really like this post at all. The 'hot' guy (whom i find to be slimy and dirty car sales man-esq) always has horrible responses that make me glad i'm not dating a guy like him. All the questions are generally horribly shallow and superficial as well... but, its entertaining to read.
AlexE70 AlexE70 7 years
I have to say, as usual, I have to agree with Steve. And it IS refreshing to see the amount of honesty being displayed regarding this topic! But as for the take home news, I agree with all but #5. Well, I do and I don't. My lady is a rabid baseball fan (and beer connoisseur), so I would only substitute the "Go Sox!" for "Go Yankees!" ;-)
BadBFinishF BadBFinishF 7 years
I'm happily surprised and optimistically startled that so many of you are HONEST! Is this what happens after the lies and shadows spawned from Political correctness have gone too far? Are we on the road to salvation? Will we finally call "it" for what "it" is? I hope so. The take home news: 1. Culpable 2. SExy goes way further than classic good looks 3. Most people could look better if they tried a little harder 4. Spread the word about living with the truth. 5. Feel free to walk into any company that got "bail out" money and take something...you paid for it with tax dollars. it's yours. ***BASIC femininity AS DEFINED BY ME: 1. only speaks when spoken too...ha ha ha I'M KIDDING...JUST MAKING SURE YOU'RE ALL AWAKE. 2. Nice hair cut, longer is preferable as most women can't get away with a Kd Lang cut 3. good posture 4. shaves her legs and vagina on occasion 5. doesn't scream "Go Sox" with a beer in one hand and a cig in the other while driving down the street in a jeep. 6. knows how to dress to show off her assets in a sexy but not sleazy way. 7. Knows how to walk, not march ~ of the penguins...LOL xo s
BadBFinishF BadBFinishF 7 years
I'm happily surprised and optimistically startled that so many of you are HONEST! Is this what happens after the lies and shadows spawned from Political correctness have gone too far? Are we on the road to salvation? Will we finally call "it" for what "it" is?I hope so.The take home news:1. Culpable2. SExy goes way further than classic good looks3. Most people could look better if they tried a little harder4. Spread the word about living with the truth.5. Feel free to walk into any company that got "bail out" money and take something...you paid for it with tax dollars. it's yours.***BASIC femininity AS DEFINED BY ME: 1. only speaks when spoken too...ha ha ha I'M KIDDING...JUST MAKING SURE YOU'RE ALL AWAKE.2. Nice hair cut, longer is preferable as most women can't get away with a Kd Lang cut3. good posture4. shaves her legs and vagina on occasion 5. doesn't scream "Go Sox" with a beer in one hand and a cig in the other while driving down the street in a jeep.6. knows how to dress to show off her assets in a sexy but not sleazy way.7. Knows how to walk, not march ~ of the penguins...LOLxos
jessie jessie 7 years
while i agree with steve...i think a lot has to do with attitude. whether you're beautiful, normal, big or little..its how you present yourself. its also about having confindence in yourself and being comfortable with who you are. i've seen the most beautiful men with some homely looking girls...but those girls have carried themselves with confidence, they have a wonderful outlook on life and are a blast to be around. same thing with beautiful women and men.
vanitypot vanitypot 7 years
well, i'm 19, 5 feet and 2 inches in height and weighs around 150 pounds but it doesn't mean that i lack "basic femininity". o.O i still believe though that looks DO really matter (somehow) but i also believe that someday, i might find someone who will accept me for who i am. i eat the right kind of food and lead a healthy lifestyle but as what my pediatrician says, i got this body type from my clan..so i basically have to limit myself from overindulging and whatnot. and yes, it does pressure me to look like those models in TV or magazines but at the end of the day, i'm honestly happy on how i look. i guess i'm surrounded by friends who support me all the way while at the same time, are frank with me (like how they remind me to resist sweet stuff haha). and honestly? i'm not really into "hot" men.. when i hear "hot", those model, Beckham-lookie types come to mind. it just isn't my cup of tea. i'd love to get attached to a geek (not the all-out nerd though who's too obsessed with computers & stuff..see? i'm superficial too haha:p) and not-so-attractive. OR..someday, maybe a dashing prince will take a look at me..who knows? ;)
vanitypot vanitypot 7 years
well, i'm 19, 5 feet and 2 inches in height and weighs around 150 pounds but it doesn't mean that i lack "basic femininity". o.O i still believe though that looks DO really matter (somehow) but i also believe that someday, i might find someone who will accept me for who i am. i eat the right kind of food and lead a healthy lifestyle but as what my pediatrician says, i got this body type from my clan..so i basically have to limit myself from overindulging and whatnot. and yes, it does pressure me to look like those models in TV or magazines but at the end of the day, i'm honestly happy on how i look. i guess i'm surrounded by friends who support me all the way while at the same time, are frank with me (like how they remind me to resist sweet stuff haha). and honestly? i'm not really into "hot" men.. when i hear "hot", those model, Beckham-lookie types come to mind. it just isn't my cup of tea. i'd love to get attached to a geek (not the all-out nerd though who's too obsessed with computers & stuff..see? i'm superficial too haha:p) and not-so-attractive. OR..someday, maybe a dashing prince will take a look at me..who knows? ;)
Janine22 Janine22 7 years
Generally, people are attracted to others that are the same level of attractiveness as themselves. (For example, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are evenly matched). Yes, I think 'hot' men can be very superficial regarding their partners looks sometimes. So what is it that attracts you to men? Is it based solely on their looks? If so, you can't really blame them for being the same way you are. But generally, I think that most people are attracted to confidence. If you are comfortable in your own skin, don't seem self consciousness or desperate, and are well groomed, a good flirt, and have a nice sense of humor, men will be attracted to you. (BTW, why would you really want a 'hot' guy if he is so superficial anyway???). There are many attractive men out there that many not necessarily be considered 'hot' by all women. I think the most important thing is cofidence in your self and your looks. If you have that, people will be attracted to you.
glitterandgold glitterandgold 7 years
damn this generation. hahaahah.
KadBunny KadBunny 7 years
Muirnea I know what you mean. At some points it almost sounded like "well you must be a pig so clean up lady". But I should hope not. Sigh I like to think we can all fall in love without adhering to these unwritten rules and hierarchies.. but I guess it can't be helped sometimes. I used to be in that shallow category. Then I realized "f*ck it, these guys are not only hot but they know it, and they're assholes." Not always true but it was 80% of the time for me. And conversely I wasn't about to get taken advantage of for being a bit pretty. It wasn't until after I let go of that initial standard of "hot" that I was able to attract the cute AND agreeable guys I could actually sit and have a chat with. :) And I fortieth(?) the irony.
KadBunny KadBunny 7 years
Muirnea I know what you mean. At some points it almost sounded like "well you must be a pig so clean up lady". But I should hope not. Sigh I like to think we can all fall in love without adhering to these unwritten rules and hierarchies.. but I guess it can't be helped sometimes. I used to be in that shallow category. Then I realized "f*ck it, these guys are not only hot but they know it, and they're assholes." Not always true but it was 80% of the time for me. And conversely I wasn't about to get taken advantage of for being a bit pretty.It wasn't until after I let go of that initial standard of "hot" that I was able to attract the cute AND agreeable guys I could actually sit and have a chat with. :)And I fortieth(?) the irony.
Vaadsfweytes Vaadsfweytes 7 years
I like hot, intelligent, and cultured guys. I have a girlfriend who is rather unattractive and unkempt, and she complains about the same stuff all the time. I sometimes wish I could just tell it to her face that looks matter. Other qualities matter as much as looks, but looks DO matter.
Muirnea Muirnea 7 years
Fairly good advice and I agree for the most part. Buuut...am I the only one who took serious offense to: "Yea, well what if the "outside" is lazy, unkempt, and LACKS BASIC FEMININITY?" Ummm, maybe I should get your definition of "basic femininity" Steve...and I probably should...but who exactly gets to decide what basic femininity is anyway?!? That just sounded way to much like I need to be a housewife and wear pink all the time and scream when I see a bug... 8-/
Muirnea Muirnea 7 years
Fairly good advice and I agree for the most part. Buuut...am I the only one who took serious offense to: "Yea, well what if the "outside" is lazy, unkempt, and LACKS BASIC FEMININITY?"Ummm, maybe I should get your definition of "basic femininity" Steve...and I probably should...but who exactly gets to decide what basic femininity is anyway?!? That just sounded way to much like I need to be a housewife and wear pink all the time and scream when I see a bug... 8-/
GScott86 GScott86 7 years
^ Well said on that last line.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 7 years
Maybe I am still such a teenager at heart, but I love the feeling of meeting someone, being physically attracted to him, and then trying to find out what lies beneath. For me, it is important that there is attraction...otherwise they are just friends, and honestly, that will not cut it for me. I am not saying that love cannot grow, but I think with most people who become lovers after friendship, if it works out it is because they had an underlying attraction to begin with as well as the friendship.If I find out the guy is a tool underneath that attractive exterior, I am gone, but I need to have that intial attraction to make me WANT to find out. Attraction is what brings you, substance is what makes you stay.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 7 years
Maybe I am still such a teenager at heart, but I love the feeling of meeting someone, being physically attracted to him, and then trying to find out what lies beneath. For me, it is important that there is attraction...otherwise they are just friends, and honestly, that will not cut it for me. I am not saying that love cannot grow, but I think with most people who become lovers after friendship, if it works out it is because they had an underlying attraction to begin with as well as the friendship. If I find out the guy is a tool underneath that attractive exterior, I am gone, but I need to have that intial attraction to make me WANT to find out. Attraction is what brings you, substance is what makes you stay.
snowysakurasky snowysakurasky 7 years
great answer!
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