Steve Santagati, the author of The Manual, is back to answer another question for all of you — I hope advice from the male point of view helps! To ask Steve questions of your own, simply submit them here or in the comments section below. Enjoy!
This is a debate I've been having with my girl friends for years now and I'd love to hear your take on it. Do guys have a lower opinion of you if you "put out" on the first date? Can a relationship ever come to fruition if there's no longer any sense of mystery? — Wondering Wednesday
To see Steve's answer,
Dear Wondering Wednesday,
It's not when you have sex that matters, it's the attitude you have when you engage in the act. I'll explain. The very term "put out" implies you're giving something away; you're giving in to something you "don't want to do." That attitude is so 1950. I don't know about the kind of guys you're dating, but when I fool around, it's a very fair trade; you're getting just as much — if not more — than I am out of it. I've been with women on the first night and on the 30th night, and I've fallen in love and been loyal after first date sex. How men feel about the women has everything to do with them believing something very special about her. The women that I've been with that projected this best had a certain attitude, almost like a guy; she didn't say it, she showed me with how she acted and treated me. It was loud and clear:
Steve, I'm doing this under my own volition. You didn't charm me, con me, and I'm not drunk. I want to be with you because I feel like it at this moment. I'm a woman and I've made this decision, and Stevie Poo, just because we're fooling around doesn't mean it will ever happen again, unless you deserve it!
It's so very provocative when a woman is strong and empowered. Stop thinking of it as putting out and start thinking of it as you're in control and enjoying something with him and he's enjoying something with you.
Warning: 80 percent of the female population will find it difficult to think like this so in general, it's best to take as long as you can before jumping in the sack. Notice I said take as long as you can, not wait as long as you can. You shouldn't be waiting, you should be actively getting to know this guy. This attitude is actually good no matter how confident you are. Regarding the sense of mystery: sexual mystery lasts about three months of steady sex. It's the person that creates mystery in a relationship. It's who you are. It's your ability to be spontaneous. Sex is fantasy. Both men and women are mentally designed to hate routine and enjoy the unknown so keep that in mind.
To purchase The Manual, click here and if you're wondering where Steve got that T-shirt he's wearing, click here to shop his entire assortment!