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Ask a Bad Boy: What Can You Teach Me About Women?

Steve Santagati, of BadBoysFinishFirst.com and author of the best-selling book The Manual, answers your burning questions when it comes to dating, love, and how men think. He's a veteran at giving street-smart, straight-to-the-point advice, so ladies, tell me, what do you want to ask Steve about men? This is your chance to get answers so don't hold back! Submit your questions here. Here's what Steve has to say this week:

The truth is, no one knows everything about relationships; no matter how many diplomas they boast or books they've written. No one is really an "expert"; it's just that some of us have way more experience and are, therefore, better at it than others — it's really that simple. The folks in this business (myself included) have to call ourselves relationship experts because the media (to which we diligently pander) needs an identifiable label for their audience. I call myself a "relationship mechanic" because I get under your hood, take a look at your engine, and can successfully fix 87 percent of the problems I see. Moreover, even I, as bad as I've been and as much experience as I've had, don't know everything; though women have taught me a great deal over the years. So what we're going to do this week is called teach the expert. You will teach and advise me. Maybe some of what you impart will be passed onto other men and therefore make the life of some woman out there that much easier!

Below you'll see my list of the top three things I've learned about women in relationships, and I want you to give me yours. Tell me the three things that guys just don't understand about women. It can be about sex, affection, understanding, your body image, or commitment — anything you want to tell me that you think I wouldn't already know by now or something you just have to get off your chest. Try not to go off on long tangents about what you hate about men, let's keep it positive. Deal?

I go first:

  1. Making a woman feel beautiful and sexy will go a long way in making the relationship more harmonious.
  2. When I argue with a woman, I can usually see her side of the story — even if I disagree — but she will never be able to see mine.
  3. Women are just as naughty as men. Men don't care if everyone knows they're a pig, but women have to feel safe to let their naughty side shine. The better I've become at making a woman feel safe being her mischievous self, the more I see of the real her.

So, this week, you are the experts. Let's see what you know.



Check out his Bad Girls Finish First tee shirts and, for individual attention, visit Steve at BadBoysFinishFirst.com or email him at askstevesantagati@gmail.com

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Join The Conversation
EJean EJean 7 years
Steve, my man, You are a god and a king.
EJean EJean 7 years
Steve, my man,You are a god and a king.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 7 years
I echo others' sentiments. When I have a bad day, don't try to "fix it", UNLESS I ask for your advice. Just listen, hug, kiss, and tell me that I am fabulous, even if down inside you think I am in the wrong. That can be discussed later, if I want your opinion. Also, don't take it personally if I am venting...it has nothing to do with you, and if I want to take a walk by myself to blow off steam after work, remember, that is to make me feel better, so that when I get back, I can be the best I can be for you. I am not excluding you, I just need to get my head together, so that I don't vent AT you. Little things like a text saying you are thinking about me goes a long way...guys don't get that...they think that it "counts" more if they make a grandiose gesture on Valentine's day or your birthday, then they are good for the year...it doesn't work that way. If you are with a girl that needs the big gestures on a regular basis, I can guarantee that relationship won't last. Relationships need to be tended, like gardens, but that doesn't imply lots of money and time....I would rather have a guy want to spend his time with me doing simple, sweet things often, including time in bed, than have a guy that I see once a month take me out to expensive restaurants.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 7 years
I echo others' sentiments.When I have a bad day, don't try to "fix it", UNLESS I ask for your advice. Just listen, hug, kiss, and tell me that I am fabulous, even if down inside you think I am in the wrong. That can be discussed later, if I want your opinion.Also, don't take it personally if I am venting...it has nothing to do with you, and if I want to take a walk by myself to blow off steam after work, remember, that is to make me feel better, so that when I get back, I can be the best I can be for you. I am not excluding you, I just need to get my head together, so that I don't vent AT you.Little things like a text saying you are thinking about me goes a long way...guys don't get that...they think that it "counts" more if they make a grandiose gesture on Valentine's day or your birthday, then they are good for the year...it doesn't work that way. If you are with a girl that needs the big gestures on a regular basis, I can guarantee that relationship won't last.Relationships need to be tended, like gardens, but that doesn't imply lots of money and time....I would rather have a guy want to spend his time with me doing simple, sweet things often, including time in bed, than have a guy that I see once a month take me out to expensive restaurants.
AyrtonSenna AyrtonSenna 7 years
This is really an interesting set of replies. Being a man, I think the point about just listening was a good one. I think most men (me included) tend to go into "problem-solving" mode very quickly and this is clearly not what women want to hear at that point. Sometimes we just have to learn to shut up (and pay attention). I find it sad that some posts referenced things like leaving the bathroom door open (!?!?), dirty clothes, poor hygiene, and noisy bodily functions. These are just the basics of adult behaviour. If you are with a supposedly adult male that does these things, I would reexamine him critically. It probably will not get better with time. I agree completely, Muirnea, that women generally put a lot of effort into their appearance and men should up their game to match them (without going to "metrosexual" extremes). Seeing a man slovenly dressed next to a woman makes my heart sink. All the other points are great too. Being kind, attentive, respectful, polite, reassuring, romantic, well-dressed, chivalrous (and doing all this while being fun to be around!) - this is the royal road to a woman's heart. All in all, it should not be too much for women to ask for.
AyrtonSenna AyrtonSenna 7 years
This is really an interesting set of replies. Being a man, I think the point about just listening was a good one. I think most men (me included) tend to go into "problem-solving" mode very quickly and this is clearly not what women want to hear at that point. Sometimes we just have to learn to shut up (and pay attention). I find it sad that some posts referenced things like leaving the bathroom door open (!?!?), dirty clothes, poor hygiene, and noisy bodily functions. These are just the basics of adult behaviour. If you are with a supposedly adult male that does these things, I would reexamine him critically. It probably will not get better with time.I agree completely, Muirnea, that women generally put a lot of effort into their appearance and men should up their game to match them (without going to "metrosexual" extremes). Seeing a man slovenly dressed next to a woman makes my heart sink. All the other points are great too. Being kind, attentive, respectful, polite, reassuring, romantic, well-dressed, chivalrous (and doing all this while being fun to be around!) - this is the royal road to a woman's heart. All in all, it should not be too much for women to ask for.
Muirnea Muirnea 7 years
Also, just a bit of a different version of what some other people have said already: Don't expect me to look fabulous (perfect outfit, nails done, hair doing exactly what I want it to,be perfectly shaved/waxed, makeup, the whole nine yards) like I just came out of a photo shoot every single day....when you won't even take a shower ever day, never do a thing with your hair, don't have to ever wear make-up, and throw on an old t-shirt with jeans every single day. Talk about a double standard. And don't expect me to watch shows like Family Guy etc. with you or think it's funny. It's immature. And if you really think its that funny, go find yourself a 10 year old that will laugh at it with you.
Muirnea Muirnea 7 years
Also, just a bit of a different version of what some other people have said already: Don't expect me to look fabulous (perfect outfit, nails done, hair doing exactly what I want it to,be perfectly shaved/waxed, makeup, the whole nine yards) like I just came out of a photo shoot every single day....when you won't even take a shower ever day, never do a thing with your hair, don't have to ever wear make-up, and throw on an old t-shirt with jeans every single day. Talk about a double standard. And don't expect me to watch shows like Family Guy etc. with you or think it's funny. It's immature. And if you really think its that funny, go find yourself a 10 year old that will laugh at it with you.
heatherhas heatherhas 7 years
1. Don't point at other girls and ask why I won't dress like that. I dress the way I dress because I like it, and its always been the same, so if you want to date the bartender in the mini dress, go for it. Don't waste my time. 2. Don't fart any more. Seriously. And don't put your penis on me when we are not getting it on and tell me to touch it. 3. Do the dishes sometime and the laundry. I feel like your mom having ask you to do that crap all the time. Do you think I enjoy it? And I'm sorry those are all negative, but they are just hot button issues with me.
heatherhas heatherhas 7 years
1. Don't point at other girls and ask why I won't dress like that. I dress the way I dress because I like it, and its always been the same, so if you want to date the bartender in the mini dress, go for it. Don't waste my time. 2. Don't fart any more. Seriously. And don't put your penis on me when we are not getting it on and tell me to touch it. 3. Do the dishes sometime and the laundry. I feel like your mom having ask you to do that crap all the time. Do you think I enjoy it?And I'm sorry those are all negative, but they are just hot button issues with me.
lildorothyparker lildorothyparker 7 years
fancifulfabi, you're so right with your #1. Sometimes venting is just venting... we don't need you to fix anything, just listen.
jessie jessie 7 years
1-No matter how clearly we state something...it will sometimes get misunderstood. Could be bad or it could be good. 2-We baby you when you get sick or hurt...why can't you do the same for us? 3-I know that you love me..when you buy me things or help me with the kids, clean the house, touch me as you walk by....but a simple whisper of "i love you" in my ear as you walk by or a note would mean so much too.
jessie jessie 7 years
1-No matter how clearly we state something...it will sometimes get misunderstood. Could be bad or it could be good.2-We baby you when you get sick or hurt...why can't you do the same for us?3-I know that you love me..when you buy me things or help me with the kids, clean the house, touch me as you walk by....but a simple whisper of "i love you" in my ear as you walk by or a note would mean so much too.
karlotta karlotta 7 years
I have another question for Steve, it's very important, and I don't know where to ask it!!! This has plagued me my whole life, because I've always had a lot of guy friends. My BF thinks they're all in love with me / want to get in my pants / probably jerk off to me in the shower (Eeeeeeew). Is he right? Or is it possible that at least, say, TWO OF THEM, are only there because they love me AS A FRIEND? If you read this Steve, please enlighten my poor feeble mind.
karlotta karlotta 7 years
I have another question for Steve, it's very important, and I don't know where to ask it!!! This has plagued me my whole life, because I've always had a lot of guy friends. My BF thinks they're all in love with me / want to get in my pants / probably jerk off to me in the shower (Eeeeeeew).Is he right? Or is it possible that at least, say, TWO OF THEM, are only there because they love me AS A FRIEND? If you read this Steve, please enlighten my poor feeble mind.
The-Drunk-Lady The-Drunk-Lady 7 years
Sometimes during a fight a good old fashion grudge f*ck is HOT! I'm not talking about the kind where you sleep with someone else to get revenge. It distracts the extremely heightened emotions. When I've done it with my bf, it diffuses the anger, stops the fighting, then we really communicate and work things out. I don't want to and can't do this every time WW3 breaks out. It's not a fetish we have, it just happens sometimes. I prefer emotionally bonding love making instead. To me, making love is a very emotionally bonding experience. But I can't deny a grudge f*ck is pretty f*cking hot, at least not with a straight face. It might sound strange, twisted, something a guy would say or whatever, but oh well it works for us.
The-Drunk-Lady The-Drunk-Lady 7 years
Sometimes during a fight a good old fashion grudge f*ck is HOT! I'm not talking about the kind where you sleep with someone else to get revenge. It distracts the extremely heightened emotions. When I've done it with my bf, it diffuses the anger, stops the fighting, then we really communicate and work things out. I don't want to and can't do this every time WW3 breaks out. It's not a fetish we have, it just happens sometimes. I prefer emotionally bonding love making instead. To me, making love is a very emotionally bonding experience. But I can't deny a grudge f*ck is pretty f*cking hot, at least not with a straight face. It might sound strange, twisted, something a guy would say or whatever, but oh well it works for us.
rellicDragon rellicDragon 7 years
Guess a lot of points have been covered already ... but I have something else to add ... 1. Chasing can be fun, but please dont make us wait forever by the phone ... Call when you say you are going to... 2. make the move ... dont make us wait forever ... cuz we are capable of moving on too ... 3. i can't stress this enough ... women enjoy sex too ... but we desreve foreplay n cuddling time ...
rellicDragon rellicDragon 7 years
Guess a lot of points have been covered already ... but I have something else to add ... 1. Chasing can be fun, but please dont make us wait forever by the phone ... Call when you say you are going to... 2. make the move ... dont make us wait forever ... cuz we are capable of moving on too ... 3. i can't stress this enough ... women enjoy sex too ... but we desreve foreplay n cuddling time ...
Leilanic1 Leilanic1 7 years
1. Women are more mental then men and need to hear that they are beautiful and sexy in order for them to get into the mood. 2. If there you have had a fight or irritated a woman or there are communication issues within your relationship, don't expect your woman to feel safe or want intiate sex. 3.If there is a problem in your relationship, or if something is bothering you, it should not be all of OUR responsiblity to fix it. You must take some responsibility and help to find the solution. 4. I might not like mountain biking but am willing to try it if you are willing to try something I like too. 5. Sex on pornos is not real! Those women are being paid to contort their bodies in those weird positions. They don't like it and it hurts! I'm willing to play but be resonable.
Leilanic1 Leilanic1 7 years
1. Women are more mental then men and need to hear that they are beautiful and sexy in order for them to get into the mood.2. If there you have had a fight or irritated a woman or there are communication issues within your relationship, don't expect your woman to feel safe or want intiate sex.3.If there is a problem in your relationship, or if something is bothering you, it should not be all of OUR responsiblity to fix it. You must take some responsibility and help to find the solution.4. I might not like mountain biking but am willing to try it if you are willing to try something I like too.5. Sex on pornos is not real! Those women are being paid to contort their bodies in those weird positions. They don't like it and it hurts! I'm willing to play but be resonable.
Chrstne Chrstne 7 years
I hate being called a bitch because I am being assertive like another poster said. However, what I find far more insulting is that I am generally nice to my man --- I want to please him, and do things that make him happy....so when it comes time for me to be bitchy he blurts out with a "don't act like you having a backbone now" or "don't try to act assertive". It's quite hurtful. Oh, and PMS happens ONCE a month. Not every day for a month. If it's any other week but "that" week, grow balls, and don't try to go for the dig and attribute it to PMS. That is such a cop-out remark.
Chrstne Chrstne 7 years
I hate being called a bitch because I am being assertive like another poster said. However, what I find far more insulting is that I am generally nice to my man --- I want to please him, and do things that make him happy....so when it comes time for me to be bitchy he blurts out with a "don't act like you having a backbone now" or "don't try to act assertive". It's quite hurtful.Oh, and PMS happens ONCE a month. Not every day for a month. If it's any other week but "that" week, grow balls, and don't try to go for the dig and attribute it to PMS. That is such a cop-out remark.
Janine22 Janine22 7 years
Oh, DrunkLady, you make me laugh so hard! But it's true, Steve you need to tell all men this. It is the biggest turn off possible when: -Men do not close the door when taking a crap. -You come to bed and it smells like he shit the bed because he has been farting so much in his sleep. Seriously, if you never, ever want to have sex again with your girl then do these 2 things. Steve, pass the word on. -Oh yeah, and bad hygiene is not cool. EVER. Brush your teeth at least twice a day, and shower at least once. Also, wash your clothes on a regular basis!!! Sadly, there are many men out there that need to hear this. Other than that, I agree with what other women here have said. Especially the one about do not give unsolicited advice. Women need to talk and need men to listen. That means do not stare at the tv or computer but then claim that you are listening. Even if you can repeat every word I have said, it makes me feel disrespected and unappreciated when you can't even bother to be polite and look at me when I talk. Show that you care about what she has to say by making eye contact, saying 'oh really' 'uh huh' etc.. at the appropriate times in the conversation. Then at the end, say "Is there anything I can do to help?" or "I love you, would you like a hug?" It really is that simple. Most of the time we don't need you to offer solutions, we just need someone to listen and be empathetic. -Why are men confused when women come home from work, stressed out and find the house is a mess while the guy has been watching tv? She then cannot relax when she gets home, because she has to clean and cook. Do not act surprised when she does not want sex or is exhausted. Men: if you want more sex, then do more housework, listen to your girl and give her a back rub. Do simple, thoughtful things. If she is relaxed and feels cared for, she will be more likely to want sex. That is all it takes. Why are men so confused about this, it is really simple. OK, thanks for letting me talk.
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