Skip Nav
Relationships
9 Signs of a Man Who Will Never Stop Loving You
Sex
40 Sexy GIFs So NSFW They'll Get You Fired
Wedding Decor
47 Ways to Add Literary Charm to Your Wedding

Ask a Divorced Woman: Can I Save My Marriage?

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. If you have a question you'd like answered on Conventional Wisdom, you can submit it here.

This week, a divorced woman offers advice to a woman struggling with her marriage. After you read her answer, be sure to check out our Group Therapy group where I found this question.

Today's Question:
I've been married for a long time, and last year around Christmas my husband told me out of the blue that he didn't love me. I asked him to move out, and he did in February. We started seeing each other again in April and he has now moved back in swearing undying love, and it does feel different as he is attentive, etc.

The problem I have is that he slept with a work "friend" when we spilt up, and he still works with her. She is looking for another job, but he is not because he is trying to get funding for an MA from his employer. I have aired my dislike at them working together. I just need outside input on the different paths I can take. Should I throw him out or just bide my time and wait. I love him but hate this situation.
 
Signed,
Confused

To see the divorced woman's answer,

.

Dear Confused,

It seems like you are having a hard time trusting your husband, and based on what has happened, I don't blame you.

Your husband told you out of the blue that "he didn't love you." This statement makes it hard for you to trust that he won't just change his mind again in the future. Then, once you split up, he had a relationship with someone else that he still sees every day. While it's true he didn't technically cheat, I think you are completely rational for taking issue with this.

It is eating away at you knowing that he works with this woman and it will probably keep you from repairing your marriage. You can give it some time, but if after a few months she is not gone, you should tell him to get a new job. If he doesn't make an effort to get away from this woman, then you should question his level of commitment. I'm happy you feel that he is more attentive now that he has come back, but I think you need to spend more time focusing on your needs.

In the end, I think you should take things one day at a time until you determine whether or not you feel complete in the relationship. I'm sure you have a lot invested in this marriage, so don't feel guilty for trying to make it work. But if it can't work for you, don't be afraid to move on.

Signed,
A divorced woman

Image Source: Getty
Around The Web
13 Love Lessons 'Friends' Taught Us
How to Tell If He's Serious About You
Weird Sex Statistics
Romance Challenge
Books Like Fifty Shades of Grey
Ways to Show Someone You Love Them
Stephen and Ayesha Curry Relationship Goals

POPSUGAR, the #1 independent media and technology company for women. Where more than 75 million women go for original, inspirational content that feeds their passions and interests.

Join The Conversation
sham28 sham28 6 years
Men who are really in love with their wives don't say "I don't love you." I'd already be assembling cardboard boxes to get him out of my home and sitting down with a laywer. But I'm pretty tough in terms of what I think I deserve and what I want from my partner.
reesiecup reesiecup 6 years
The divorced woman took the words right out of my mouth but articulated it much better. Marriage for me is an institution of livelong commitment to another person. It's about compromise and sacrifice, but it should be on a mutual basis. If you feel that you are the only one trying to save this marriage, it may be worth investing in someone else--the wedlock lover needs to be out of the picture 100%. Best of luck!
reesiecup reesiecup 6 years
The divorced woman took the words right out of my mouth but articulated it much better. Marriage for me is an institution of lifelong commitment to another person. It's about compromise and sacrifice, but it should be on a mutual basis. If you feel that you are the only one trying to save this marriage, it may be worth investing in someone else--the wedlock lover needs to be out of the picture 100%. Best of luck!
cutie2 cutie2 6 years
Anonymous at 3:55 is spot on...
Choco-cat Choco-cat 6 years
why did you take him back? are you still in love with him and want to be with him? if your answer is yes to both of those questions and you are still having some difficulties, I would suggest the two of you go to couple's counseling, it seems to me your concerns most likely go deeper than him working with a past relationship.
Choco-cat Choco-cat 6 years
why did you take him back? are you still in love with him and want to be with him? if your answer is yes to both of those questions and you are still having some difficulties, I would suggest the two of you go to couple's counseling, it seems to me your concerns most likely go deeper than him working with a past relationship.
Chouette4u Chouette4u 6 years
Make him move out again and don't let him come back until he has severed all contact with this woman and you have both started marriage counseling.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 6 years
Everybody has given some very good advice.I guess I'm wired differently. If my husband told me he no longer loved me, moved out, slept with another woman, moved back in two months, and professed undying love to me, I would NOT take him back. Shoot, I would have been unwilling to reconcile once he told me he no longer loved me, and moved out (WITHOUT the subsequent events). He would have abandoned the marriage (and broke his marriage vows). That's a deal-breaker. There would be NO reconciliation. Again, this is just me -- it's how I'm wired.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 6 years
Everybody has given some very good advice. I guess I'm wired differently. If my husband told me he no longer loved me, moved out, slept with another woman, moved back in two months, and professed undying love to me, I would NOT take him back. Shoot, I would have been unwilling to reconcile once he told me he no longer loved me, and moved out (WITHOUT the subsequent events). He would have abandoned the marriage (and broke his marriage vows). That's a deal-breaker. There would be NO reconciliation. Again, this is just me -- it's how I'm wired.
gigilgirl gigilgirl 6 years
If I were in your place I would have already picked a fight with my husband. She's right, you should make it a point to let your husband avoid this woman. As in, because they work together, they have a higher possibility of getting back together and turning into a fool. Whether the relationship was just formed out of bitterness, adventure or infatuation, be careful with trusting your husband.Besides, he already stated that he didn't love you out of the blue then would you think it was just a joke. AND HE SAID IT DURING XMAS TIME! He might have made it a point to make you remember. But be careful. Don't be a fool. I'm 19 and still single but it doesn't mean that I don't know how to feel when someone is unpredictable and "untrustworthy."
Latest Love
X