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Ask E. Jean for DearSugar: Am I an Over-Analyzer?

Dear E. Jean--

I'm 31, never been married and have no children. I’ve been in several serious, long relationships. One issue about myself came up in my last relationship: I question things. I was described as an over-analyzer of problems. And people say I jump the gun when calling it quits (after several years mind you) if I feel that down the road the problem(s) will continue or spur other issues. I agree with these comments. Why can’t I let a problem simply be just a problem without looking down the road at the possible future and all it may imply?

I don't want to be the woman that can’t see the forest for the trees, you know? I’m not an uptight, stuffy person; but this quality of over-scrutinizing everything is causing me to reconsider my thought processes in my current relationship. I want this one to work. He’s a wonderful man. We've been dating exclusively for 6 months now and one issue keeps rearing its ugly head:

When he goes out drinking with his buddies, as he has on four separate occasions, he’s forgotten to call when he says he will. Also he has not come over when he says he will. This is really our main cause for turmoil. We've talked a lot about a life together and marriage but with the issues that are brewing, it's bringing out that over-analyzing side of me again! Am I being realistic by evaluating our current situation and thinking about the possible future problems or am I sabotaging myself?

To see E. Jean's answer

Honey, Honey, Honey:

Just reading your letter sucked the energy right out of old E. Jean, and knocked the spectacles off DearSugar. You’ve got yourself a fully primed chap there -- a “wonderful man” -- and you’re botoxing your brain because he didn’t phone? Gah!

You call that having “issues?” You think that's “ugly?” That's what’s causing your “turmoil?”

Men are supposed to forget to call when they’re out having beers with their buddies. Come on. Let the lad alone, for gawd’s sakes! This is not about you “over-analyzing.” This is about you being wretched the rest of your life unless you lighten-up and stop trying to control boyfriends you can’t control.

P.S. Send me a note when you’ve gone one full week without expecting the poor fellow to be perfect, and I’ll take you out for pineapple martinis. We’ll have a good laugh when you forget to phone him.

To see more advice from E. Jean visit Elle Magazine and

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