Dear E. Jean--
First let me say, I love my best friend dearly. She’s an infinitely forgiving person, who at the heart of her nature is a peacemaker. I'm more independent and am not as concerned with the approval of others. It is very important to her that I provide my approval in this situation.
She has asked me to accept and like/love her boyfriend after she took him back. When they first started dating he was inconsiderate, rude and frankly intolerable. I found him to be intellectually challenged and lacking in any social grace. She however thought he was wonderful. Then she found out two things within their first year-and-a-half of dating.
1) He had given her a STD. Herpes. He’s in the navy and claimed he didn't know that he had it when he gave it to her. She forgave him.
2) He then said that he found out he may have gotten another woman pregnant, but he’d have to wait on the DNA result to know for sure. He said it was a one night stand; he hadn't used protection, and hadn't had contact with this person until she called him with the news of the baby. FYI, the baby wasn't his. And he’s NEVER told the woman that she may have an STD.
My friend took him back. She says that he’s made changes, gotten a second job to save money, is working towards getting an engagement ring, planning their future together, calling more regularly, etc. She wants me to forgive him as well.
I've told her the most I can provide at this time is courtesy and respect for her decision. But that it’s too much to expect me to like a guy, who spreads disease, cheats on her, and still to this day loses his temper in violent outbursts.
They may be moving to my city in the future and want to stay with me while they look for a house. I can't stand the idea of him being under my roof. She’s very upset with me. How far should I go to show support without sacrificing my own self respect? Should I cave and let this guy into my home??
To see E. Jean's answer
MY DARLING: Cave? Cave? He’s a worthless, bottom-feeding reptile. A psycho manipulator. A disease-spreading scoundrel. A violent liar who’ll end up hurting your friend very very badly ... Come on -- COME ON! Don’t you see what’s going on? She’s sucking you in. She’s made the dumbest decision a woman can make and now she is manipulating you by being “very upset” because you won’t forgive him.
Take a stand.
Her decision does not deserve your “courtesy and respect.” Her decision deserves you to say to her: “You’re my best friend in the world. You’re magnificent. You’re splendid! I love you. I want you to be happy. But he’s sleazy cheat, a brutal liar, and a clod who can’t control his temper.”
Your friend won’t like to hear this, but tell her anyway. She’ll start to hate you, keep telling her. Her future happiness, health, and peace depends upon it. She’ll probably stop speaking to you. But mark my words: The day he knocks her across the room in one of his “violent outbursts,” she’ll call and thank you for warning her.
As for the swine entering your house? No way.
Stick to your guns, darling! Your friend needs someone to speak the truth!