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Ask E. Jean for DearSugar: How Can I Forgive Him?

Dear E. Jean--

My fiancé cheated on me a year ago. I found out 6 months ago. He told me it was a one-time deal, and I have chosen to believe him and have proceeded with our wedding. However, I’m struggling with finding a way to get over this. We are getting married in 27 days and every couple weeks I get so frustrated and bring it up. I know that if I decide to forgive him, I also need to forget what he did, but I have no one else to talk to about my feelings because no one else knows. Do you have any words of wisdom for me? Am I making a mistake by marrying this man?

To see E. Jean's answer

MY KUMQUAT:

Lemme get this straight: 1. You don’t trust the guy. 2. You can’t forgive the guy. 3. You refuse to forget the guy made an ass of himself; and you’re asking old Eeeee Jean and DearSugar if you’re “making a mistake?”

Call the wedding off, darling.

There’s not a single syllable in your letter about loving the lad. You’ve mentioned “cheating,” “struggling,” and “frustrated;” but as for even liking the poor cadball---?Hell, I think I’m more fond of him than you are.

Send the presents back. Cancel the reception. Defrock the minister. Then, when everyone’s relaxed, I advise you to go on the honeymoon. It is exactly what you need. Perhaps even invite your ex-fiancé. Maybe you’ll find that if he still loves you and promises to never look at another woman again . . . . you can fall in love again. Because though he screwed up . . . though he was a cad, a worm, a louse---he can change. It will take time. He’ll have to mature, like Seth Rogen in Knocked Up, but you may grow to trust him again.

P.S.
BRIDE WARNING:
I realize we’re all in the midst of “Sugar Wedding Frenzy” here and if anyone knows a bride, please do not let her see this. But the cold hard fact is it is five times more glamorous and exciting to call a wedding off than it is to go through with a wedding. Most weddings are a drag for the people invited. They’re an effort to go to, sit through, and basically pretty much suck all the way around. With the exception of the mother of the bride, everyone will be relieved when you call it off, including your chap.

To see more advice from E. Jean visit Elle Magazine and AskEJean.com

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its-just-me its-just-me 9 years
First of all, if you are asking yourself if you're making a mistake in following through with the wedding, you are. Secondly, you don't even know if you can forgive him, what makes you think that you will ever forget. Don't you realize that knowing he cheated on you will always be etched in the back of your mind! Do you honestly believe that he's only cheated once, or is it that you only found out about it that one time. You know the old saying, "a tiger can't change his stripes." You may love him, but trust and respect are just as important in a relationship, never mind a marriage. Good luck!
ninjastarlett ninjastarlett 9 years
You've spent too much time on this whole thing to go through with a wedding to someone that isn't worth it. You said no one else knows about it; Well, maybe it's time to tell someone. Talk to one of your good friends or to someone that knows you both. It's not too late to decide whether or not it's a mistake.
babyd0ll babyd0ll 9 years
we can all tell you how wrong the entire thing is & what we would have done but• • you made the decision to stay with him as soon as you found out,Although i don't agree with your decision, i think you made that choice for a reason. if you can trust your instincts(that obviously told you not to leave.) you didn't walk away for a reason..so i think that right there is where the LOVE is in your letter. so i think it's a possibility that you can get pass this.. however i'd put the wedding on hold, try to. Atleast try talking to him one last time about the whole thing. remember you have to put some effort into getting over this yourself.. try holding off on nagging him about it. what he did was just awful & in my eyes unforgiveable..BUT i'm not you & i'm not in your situation. So just from a realistic perspective you have to be willing to forgive someone if your going to do it.. then work towards building the trust again..then get married// or w/ time maybe u'll decide not to. Good Luck though i'll keep you in my prayers.
babyd0ll babyd0ll 9 years
we can all tell you how wrong the entire thing is & what we would have done but• • you made the decision to stay with him as soon as you found out,Although i don't agree with your decision, i think you made that choice for a reason. if you can trust your instincts(that obviously told you not to leave.) you didn't walk away for a reason..so i think that right there is where the LOVE is in your letter. so i think it's a possibility that you can get pass this.. however i'd put the wedding on hold, try to. Atleast try talking to him one last time about the whole thing. remember you have to put some effort into getting over this yourself.. try holding off on nagging him about it. what he did was just awful & in my eyes unforgiveable..BUT i'm not you & i'm not in your situation. So just from a realistic perspective you have to be willing to forgive someone if your going to do it.. then work towards building the trust again..then get married// or w/ time maybe u'll decide not to. Good Luck though i'll keep you in my prayers.
babyd0ll babyd0ll 9 years
we can all tell you how wrong the entire thing is & what we would have done but• • you made the decision to stay with him as soon as you found out,Although i don't agree with your decision, i think you made that choice for a reason. if you can trust your instincts(that obviously told you not to leave.) you didn't walk away for a reason..so i think that right there is where the LOVE is in your letter. so i think it's a possibility that you can get pass this.. however i'd put the wedding on hold, try to. Atleast try talking to him one last time about the whole thing. remember you have to put some effort into getting over this yourself.. try holding off on nagging him about it. what he did was just awful & in my eyes unforgiveable..BUT i'm not you & i'm not in your situation. So just from a realistic perspective you have to be willing to forgive someone if your going to do it.. then work towards building the trust again..then get married// or w/ time maybe u'll decide not to. Good Luck though i'll keep you in my prayers.
gossipqueen gossipqueen 9 years
If you can't get over it now...you might not get over it later. I didn't read any LOVE either so why are you still together??
Ashlie-H Ashlie-H 9 years
Yeah.. I agree with E. jean
Emiily Emiily 9 years
Postpone it, wait it out. I wouldn't just dump him. But I'd give myself time to heal. Good luck honey.
JessBear JessBear 9 years
Sigh...that really really sucks. I've been in a somewhat similar situation, and let me just say this: you'll never forget. You may forgive, but don't even try to forget, because it's just not going to happen. It takes time to rebuild trust, and I imagine the six months of lying is bothering you aaaaaaaaalmost as much as the actual cheating. You don't want your special day tainted by this. Stay with him or don't, but do not get married right now. If he fessed up (not got caught), that says something. There's always a chance you can make it work (and even if there wasn't, you're not going to leave no matter how many people tell you to), but don't wait until after you make a lifelong commitment to find out. If you have to, make up some excuse as to why you have to cancel the wedding, but don't do it. Not now.
lickety-split lickety-split 9 years
omg, make a choice here woman. it's been a year, it was a one time thing, either accept that or don't. but honestly it sounds as if you are never going to let this go. you have tainted the entire year beofre your wedding with bringing it up every 2 weeks and still you go on.
viridiana viridiana 9 years
dump him... you don't deserve to be frustrated in one of the most exciting periods of your life. Good idea to take the honey moon trip, it will clarify your mind. CALL OFF THE WEDDING
nessabum nessabum 9 years
if you're having trust issues and you're getting married--just forget about it. drop it. call it off. and plus, he doesn't deserve you--he cheated on you. no man can have two women. he should be grateful enough that you're even putting up with him right now.
Honeychild Honeychild 9 years
OMG don't marry him, This will never go away, forever lingering the second he's not home when he supposed to be or the second a pretty sales girl helps him when he's shopping and so on. Otherwise you'll have to live the rest of your life searching through his phone,pockets and draws making yourself sick to your stomach. Don't worry what people think about you calling off the wedding. Everyone will respect you for having the courage to walk away when most people will settle for less then they deserve and stay. Instead return all the wedding gifts and register at Manolo Blahnik a la SJP style!
kungfubunni kungfubunni 9 years
man, i thought my wedding was fun and people enjoyed it! the ceremony was about 15 mins and we just drank and ate nad danced the rest of the night, how could that not be a good time? but anyway... yeah, you're life would be miserable. better off doing it now than at the altar!
Marci Marci 9 years
Trust is CRUCIAL in the marriage/relationship equation. If you have ANY mistrust issues with this man, do not marry him. You'll pay for it forever if you do.
pinupsweetheart pinupsweetheart 9 years
Agree with everyones comments above. You need to call the wedding off. Here is my advise as a wedding planner. Try and contact all your vendors RIGHT AWAY. Many vendors require full payment two weeks before the event. Read your contracts and make sure you can get some form of money back. (warning: you might not get it all back since you are under contract).If you are too stressed to do so, ask someone you trust to make the calls for you.
summer-roberts summer-roberts 9 years
Not only did he cheat, but he lied about it for 6 months as well. If you are unable to forgive him at this point, you need to call the wedding off. What do you think love, honor and cherish mean? He has not shone any of those things yet, and a ring will not make him start either.
partysugar partysugar 9 years
Take E. Jean's advice. Dump him, I was with a guy who cheated on me and in the end I wished I had dumped him right after I found out rather than struggling with it for a year.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
Oh boy, this is so hard. I'm sorry, first of all. What a mess. I do think people can make one time mistakes and then never screw up again. I want to know more, like how you found out, what level of cheating it was etc. For example, if he confessed to you out of guilt and misery that he made out with someone at a bar, I think you're okay. However, if you found out he slept with someone by checking his email and he swore up and down it was only once, I think you do need to call the wedding off. I called a wedding off about 5 years ago now, and I can tell you it was probably the hardest thing I've done to date, and probably the best thing, too. So even though you might feel like you're barreling towards this wedding full speed ahead, it is possible to put on the brakes if you need to. Finally, you say you have no one to talk to. As great as all this virtual advice is, you need to make an appointment with a counselor pronto and get this sorted out. It will all be okay someday soon, I promise. Hugs.
LEX0 LEX0 9 years
LISTEN T0 Y0UR HEART, D0NT LISTEN T0 PE0PLE.
Pinkgirl88 Pinkgirl88 9 years
i agree with cravin not getting a refund ont eh band is a hell of a lot cheaper then a divorce.
cravinsugar cravinsugar 9 years
I took my cheater back...and guess what? he cheated again...and again....and again. You won't be able to trust him and you know it, and without trust, kiss the relationship goodbye. call it off befor eyouahve to split half your assets in a divorce. Unless you are marrying up, then marry him, wait, and then get a divorce haha.
LaLaLaurie06 LaLaLaurie06 9 years
no matter what degree of cheating, it's not fair to you and you don't deserve it. you deserve someone who loves you and will not make that mistake, not someone who made the mistake and then realized he actually loved you.
JustMe21 JustMe21 9 years
I know it's easier said than done to just call off the whole wedding and get rid of this guy, when you were thinking you were going to be with him forever. But when someone cheats, they're disrespecting you, even if it was only one time. I think you'd be better off without him and I wish you luck with it all.
Princess-Rebecca Princess-Rebecca 9 years
Yes you are, she should really consider to get this man out of your life. If thycheated on you once they will do it again. I'm really sorry but marry this guy and you're crazy!
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