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Ask E. Jean for DearSugar: How Can I Get Her Back?

My Girlfriend and I have been together for almost four years. We’ve lived together and talked extensively about getting married. We still have our issues however, and one of those is Pot.

When we started dating I smoked pot, a lot of it too. She partook off and on but preferred cocaine. I told her at one point that if she continued to use such a life-threatening and dangerous substance that we could no longer date. Since then she's been clean.

I however continued with my toking. She confronted me and said that it was controlling my life — becoming a wall between us. I agreed, I was getting a little heavy into it and we decided to move to another state where we both had family and no pot-smoking friends. I quit for about four months.

Then I met a new friend and three-four weeks later, I found out that he smoked pot. Well I was back to my bad habits and soon enough we were having “that talk”. We agreed to move out into separate abodes and I quit toking again. My new roommate however was a pot- smoker, and so I started toking again. She began to miss me though, and hated living without me. She decided that as long as I didn't toke in the house, we’d move back in together and be happy again. Her mother and her mother's friend are both VERY against pot, and always commented about how bad it is, and how she doesn't need that (or me) in her life.

So we had “that talk” again recently, and she claims that my actions have hurt her so much that she can no longer be my lover. She still wants me as a friend and to be part of her life. I REALLY want to marry this woman, and have thrown my pot-smoking tools and such into the trash in front of her, as a showing of how serious I am about quitting.

She says that it's too late, that she can never love me like she did, and that nothing I can do now will change that. I am determined to try though, I have to! My heart won't allow anything else. How can I convince this woman that I love her more than I love toking? Please help! ----Messed-Up and Missing Her

To see E. Jean's answer

You sound like a good guy with a bad habit and I’m sorry to give you more pain. I’m going to be blunt: Believe her.

When a woman says “It’s too late,” when a woman no longer wishes to share your bed, when a woman begins talking about “being friends,” it’s over.

You may be able to regain her respect, (you may even salvage some respect for yourself) if you stay off the weed; but as for your affair? It’s finished.

Again, I beg your pardon for being so frank; but because you don’t seem to realize that A) she’s a rational creature who can think for herself, and B) that she’s moving on, I want to say a few words about mending your own heart:

Don’t Be Her Friend
It won’t work. (In fact, it will only increase your torment and double the time it takes to get over her.) Cut off all contact with her⎯⎯no calls, no texts, no driving by her house at 4:00 AM and begging for sex.

Stop Hanging Out with Potheads
Their influence shatters your will.

You Can’t Do This On Your Own
Join AA. Now.

Look at Your Past Honestly
That whole “throwing my pot-smoking tools and such into the trash in front of her, as a showing of how serious I am about quitting” doesn’t mean bull hockey. It’s a complete sham. If you wish to show the world you’ve changed, get clean and go volunteer with a group which is saving the planet, the whales, the rivers, the election, the children in Darfur, or whatever your passionate cause is.

And good luck!

To see more advice from E. Jean visit Elle Magazine and

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