Dear E. Jean,
I’ve been seeing a sweet guy for almost two-and-a-half months. He’s a virgin, I’m not. I’m wondering how I might set up a romantic evening for him and his first time. We both have very busy schedules and never have a lot of time together.
We’ve talked about doing this, and he’s said that he wants me to be his first. But WHEN? I’m getting impatient! I want to know how to get him away from work and give him a night he’ll never forget. Can you help me? — Waiting impatiently
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Waiting, my Wankette,
LORD! Threatening to “give” your innocent lamb “a night he’ll never forget” is enough to petrify the most dissipated sex punk.
Best to take your time. Introduce him to kissing, touching, stroking, palpating — above and below the equator. If he’s embarrassed about his physical dimensions/prowess, going slowly will build his confidence and his studliness (unless he’s simply not hot for you — or gay).
Then one day, when he least expects it, rent a fireapple red convertible and whirl him away for a Sunday in the country. After a little high speed driving and a slow stroll down a nature walk, stop at a quaint Inn for a late lunch. And if you happen to decide over desert to take a room — well, so much the better. You can “make him a man” on a quilt! Nothing scary about a quilt.
Or, hell. If you’re too busy, just send the nervous little bugger to me. I’ll whip him into shape with my daily top-secret “pre-coital” calisthenics. Then, while he is still twitching with anticipation, I’ll Fed-Ex him back to you.
P.S. I offer this service to women around the world. Send ALL your panic-stricken, discouraged, and moderately frozen fellows to me!