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Ask E. Jean for DearSugar: I Found My Boyfriend's X-Rated Videos

Ask E. Jean for DearSugar: I Found My Boyfriend's X-Rated Videos

Dear E. Jean,
I’ve been with my boyfriend for a little over a year-and-a-half. I’d seen some video tapes in the top drawer of his dresser, while helping him put away laundry. Of course my curiosity got the best of me and I finally watched two of three tapes this last weekend when he was playing golf. I know I shouldn’t have viewed them; and now I deeply regret doing so.

One of the tapes was of my boyfriend and an old ‘friend’ in a hotel having sex. The second tape was my boyfriend having sex with the same girl while someone else video taped it. At some points, it looked to be a fourth person in the room. The video was very graphic. I’ll spare you the details. The videos are dated from a couple years ago.

I realize this girl is from his past; but what bothers me is he still has the tapes! I can't get the images of him and her out of my head. And it disgusts me to know he allowed someone to shoot the two of them having sex.

How can I tell him how I feel without admitting I violated his privacy and watched the tapes? Should I secretly throw them away? I love him very much and I want to move on but I don't know how I can while keeping my anger bottled up like this. Help!

To see E. Jean's answer,

MY DEAR KUMQUAT: Ugh! How horrendous! Give me your halfwit boyfriend’s address. I want to take a running kick at his XXX. Not because he enjoyed a couple of diverting romps, (after all humans lead deep, frenzied, poetic, dangerous, tender, erotic lives); and not because he had himself video’d by a dumb cluck (you must keep an open mind about this), but because he ignored the Rules of Sex Tapes: Shoot it. Savor it. Bury it.

Note: Putting the videos in the top drawer⎯⎯ Traditional in all cultures as belonging to the girl friend⎯⎯ Is not burying them. It’s advertising them.

The wisest course is to forget it. You’ve annihilated the old girlfriend from your mind, do the same with the tapes. However, if you absolutely can’t let the matter rest (and apparently you were nearly flayed alive when you viewed the images), speak to him. Confess you broke his trust and watched the tapes. Then calmly and intelligently ask him to get rid of them. Don’t bully. Don’t judge. Don’t uncork your “bottled up” anger like a jealous dingbat.

Or, you can do what I did when I found my boyfriend’s cache of photos in which he was seen in several surprising positions with a lithe young lady with a vivid shade of red hair. (And they weren’t yogi positions either.) When he walked in the front door after work, I admitted nothing. I simply met him with a smile and two glasses of Veuve Clicquot.

The fact that I was standing in front of a glittering shrine in which hung the sacred Speedo's belonging to two old boyfriends, both Olympic butterfliers, plus every photo I owned of me smooching other guys, said everything I needed to say. I handed him the glass. I also slipped him a particularly heinous shot of the redhead. As he leaned nearer the flickering candlelight of the shrine to examine the photo, I whispered: “I’ll put mine in storage, Mr. Moose Balls, if you put yours.”

To see more advice from E. Jean visit Elle Magazine and AskEJean.com

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Join The Conversation
Gizselle Gizselle 8 years
this happened to me before but instead of just one girl there were like 8 of them. All shapes and sizes!! and none of them were with protection. I couldn't continue the relationship. EEW!
Gizselle Gizselle 8 years
this happened to me before but instead of just one girl there were like 8 of them. All shapes and sizes!! and none of them were with protection.I couldn't continue the relationship. EEW!
ethiopian_princess ethiopian_princess 8 years
ugh. don't TALK EVERYTHING TO DEATH.Really, as far as the images you now have burned into your corneas, you've only got yourself to blame. If you wanted to know what they were, you should have asked him. Too late now. Here are your options:*address it and have him lose trust in you *don't address it and have it eat away at you while picturing the other woman every time he touches you.there's nothing wrong with what he did. there's nothing necessarily wrong with the fact that he kept it or that he kept it in the top drawer. it's stupid, yes, but if emily post wrote on the topic, i must have missed that chapter. what you did was wrong.
ethiopian_princess ethiopian_princess 8 years
ugh. don't TALK EVERYTHING TO DEATH. Really, as far as the images you now have burned into your corneas, you've only got yourself to blame. If you wanted to know what they were, you should have asked him. Too late now. Here are your options: *address it and have him lose trust in you *don't address it and have it eat away at you while picturing the other woman every time he touches you. there's nothing wrong with what he did. there's nothing necessarily wrong with the fact that he kept it or that he kept it in the top drawer. it's stupid, yes, but if emily post wrote on the topic, i must have missed that chapter. what you did was wrong.
NdHebert NdHebert 8 years
I would be all sexy and drink some wine and say "hey, wouldnt it be fun to pop in a video while we yada yada yada?" and when you go to get his, if he freaks out thats when you can ask why. And then you 'find out', talk, and destroy. Maybe this is why my boyfriends never last long. :D
NdHebert NdHebert 8 years
I would be all sexy and drink some wine and say "hey, wouldnt it be fun to pop in a video while we yada yada yada?" and when you go to get his, if he freaks out thats when you can ask why.And then you 'find out', talk, and destroy.Maybe this is why my boyfriends never last long. :D
kayden kayden 8 years
E.Jean gave you some good advice..Start today off fresh and new..
kayden kayden 8 years
E.Jean gave you some good advice.. Start today off fresh and new..
imahoopie imahoopie 8 years
I would wait til the next time we were putting away laundry, then pretend I just "discovered" the tapes and ask what they are. If he lies, like "oh, me with some friends" I would ask to watch the tapes as I grabbed them and headed for the VCR. Then I would bust him for lying and tell him to pitch them. If he was honest, I'd ask him why he keeps them. But really, the fact that he keeps them is saying something, no? Alternatively, she could always take the non-confrontational route: Buy him a DVD player and toss the VHS player while he's out, "as a surprise" and then he wouldn't be able to watch the tapes anymore!
imahoopie imahoopie 8 years
I would wait til the next time we were putting away laundry, then pretend I just "discovered" the tapes and ask what they are. If he lies, like "oh, me with some friends" I would ask to watch the tapes as I grabbed them and headed for the VCR. Then I would bust him for lying and tell him to pitch them. If he was honest, I'd ask him why he keeps them. But really, the fact that he keeps them is saying something, no?Alternatively, she could always take the non-confrontational route: Buy him a DVD player and toss the VHS player while he's out, "as a surprise" and then he wouldn't be able to watch the tapes anymore!
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 8 years
A couple people have asked for this, so here you go: The XXX Follow up Post Enjoy.
FB1977 FB1977 8 years
Popgoestheworld, where's the follow-up she posted? I'd like to read...
gossipqueen gossipqueen 8 years
P.S. like someone said...* is just not my thing* and a total turn off!
gossipqueen gossipqueen 8 years
I don't think i could ever get over the fact the he had SOMEONE ELSE film them while doing it... I'm not close minded...if a guy likes that that's fine as long as is not MY GUY! lol ;)
gossipqueen gossipqueen 8 years
I don't think i could ever get over the fact the he had SOMEONE ELSE film them while doing it...I'm not close minded...if a guy likes that that's fine as long as is not MY GUY! lol ;)
asco00 asco00 8 years
Great advice, just priceless. I'm going to enjoy reading these!
xoxoVSxoxo xoxoVSxoxo 8 years
whatever his reason is, one's you have someone new in your life, who you've been with a while, all that ex stuff has got to go no matter what it.. specially that, "After all she is in his past right???"
lickety-split lickety-split 8 years
i personally think that the fact that you are discusted by what you found is what is important here. this isn't something that can be "fixed" because it is what it is; those tapes are a part of his past. i was innterested by the suggestion that the tapes were left where you would find them. but still we don't know why he would want you to find them.l is it because he wants the same from you, because he feels guilty, because he likes the thrill of exposure? personally, i couldn't make a joke of this. it would be too weird to me (jmho). i would probably remove the tapes and wait for him to ask about them. then i would say "what tapes? what were they???" but honestly, it would just be an exercise of anger for me, because i would never get past the fact that he treated sex like a team sport and that is just not my style.
lickety-split lickety-split 8 years
i personally think that the fact that you are discusted by what you found is what is important here. this isn't something that can be "fixed" because it is what it is; those tapes are a part of his past. i was innterested by the suggestion that the tapes were left where you would find them. but still we don't know why he would want you to find them.l is it because he wants the same from you, because he feels guilty, because he likes the thrill of exposure?personally, i couldn't make a joke of this. it would be too weird to me (jmho). i would probably remove the tapes and wait for him to ask about them. then i would say "what tapes? what were they???" but honestly, it would just be an exercise of anger for me, because i would never get past the fact that he treated sex like a team sport and that is just not my style.
EJean EJean 8 years
Thanks, darlings!I think PopSugar and DearSugarare the most delicious spotson earth!And the comments! Lord!Wittier than 99% of thewebsites out there.
EJean EJean 8 years
Thanks, darlings! I think PopSugar and DearSugar are the most delicious spots on earth! And the comments! Lord! Wittier than 99% of the websites out there.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 8 years
Tnkrbelli - I'm with you too. No need to try to get back at someone like that - seems petty to me.
GiggleSugar GiggleSugar 8 years
What a juicy question, and great answer! I think it's true that you need to talk it out, and I agree with the basic idea that E. Jean has that it's important to somehow let him know that YOU have a past, too...you just don't keep it in a top drawer where he can find it!
Tnkrbelli Tnkrbelli 8 years
I actually would have to disagree! haha, I know I'm going to be the only one. I would just come out with the truth and I don't think I'd involve any "getting back at him" gestures. I'd tell him everything that I was thinking about because I find when you play games it can really complicate things more and you tend to compromise how you really feel. Unless you like to jab him back by showing him your old photos, I'd just be totally honest. Tapes in the top drawer??? Come on...he totally did not mind that you found them. Maybe he was feeling the need to spark some jealousy in you to spice things up! I'd probably just tell him to keep his baggage elsewhere and then I'd say "can we try that one position I saw on there..." :ROTFL:, that would lighten the mood a bit! ;)
DearSugar DearSugar 8 years
GREAT advice E. Jean! Welcome, we are thrilled to have you!! -DearSugar
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