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Ask E. Jean for DearSugar: We Met the Same Guy Online

Dear E. Jean,

My best friend was engaged for a year-and-a-half to a guy, a real jerk, who dumped her for his female boss. He and his boss are now in Paris on their damn honeymoon. Needless to say, my friend’s been catatonic throughout the holidays. Finally, yesterday she called me all excited, saying she met someone online and they’ve been sending e-mails back and forth. I said, “Great! Fantastic!” Then she said, “You gotta see him, look him up on my Facebook.” I said, “What’s his name?”

E. Jean: It’s a guy who’s been asking me out! He’s not on my Facebook; I met him on Nerve.com, and he asked me to go to a party on Saturday. This is the weirdest situation I’ve ever been in in my life. My friend and I look something alike (the guy obviously likes Asian chicks), and there’s no law against a guy sending e-mails to two girls, but what do I do now? I kinda like the guy.

My friend and I went to college together. We have a very small social circle, and we even dated the same guy in grad school. Should I tell her? Maybe she won’t care. Maybe she’ll think it’s funny, right? The point is, would it be horrible of me to go out with him on Saturday? I’d love to get a date lined up for New Year’s Eve, and this guy is hot. What’s the etiquette here? — Want to See the Ball Drop

To hear E. Jean's answer,

.

Miss Ball, My Begonia,

Back off, sister. Your friend’s heart has been put through the meat-grinder. “Finally” she meets a nice chap, she’s “all excided” . . . and you’re asking Auntie Eeee if she’ll think his asking you out is “funny.”

Ditch him. No dude’s worth it. There are a million hot guys. But only one best friend.

P.S. And do not tell her! Gawd!

To see more advice from E. Jean visit Elle Magazine and AskEJean.com.

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Join The Conversation
Hex Hex 7 years
I don't like the not telling her bit, not at all.
chiccarmel chiccarmel 7 years
I so agree with auntie E. Friends feelings over yours.
ecco77 ecco77 7 years
If it were me I would tell her -- if they start going out and then eventually you meet him in person it will be weird. If she's just emailing him she can't be THAT attached yet, and if she is she's got a problem. She should definitely learn to play it cool.
jimmalou1978 jimmalou1978 8 years
What kind of best friend are you?!
jimmalou1978 jimmalou1978 8 years
What kind of best friend are you?!
snowysakurasky snowysakurasky 8 years
Interesting story! But I don't really get why you would want to spend NYE with a stranger. Some people are not as cool as they seem on the net (no matter if they are good-looking) so you might be better off partying with a nice group of friends. Don't go out with him yet, and don't tell her... let her have the first chance with him since she needs it more now, if it doesn't work out for them than you may have had the chance to screen him before meeting him if he is still interested. Its not something she needs to know unless he seems dangerous or creepy... i think lots of people online date more than one person at a time, since you never know if its going to work out, and life is short. If it does work out for them than thats great for her, and if he's happy with her than there was no point in you meeting him first anyways.
julieulie julieulie 8 years
I completely disagree with E. Jean's advise about not telling her about the fact that he asked you out, too. I would ALWAYS want to know if someone I was interested in was also interested in someone else. Wouldn't you want the same from your friend?
girlfriday girlfriday 8 years
I agree that you need to tell her. Just say something like - "this is so weird and random, but guess what?" Because she should know that he's playing the field. Which is ok - it's not like he's in a serious relationship and cheating (we hope) but if it were me, I'd want to know where he stands. And then, you gotta cancel your date with him and tell her that he's all hers. You'll have half a century or more of New Years on which to have dates. Having a date on New Years this year isn't worth messing up your friendship.
girlfriday girlfriday 8 years
I agree that you need to tell her. Just say something like - "this is so weird and random, but guess what?" Because she should know that he's playing the field. Which is ok - it's not like he's in a serious relationship and cheating (we hope) but if it were me, I'd want to know where he stands. And then, you gotta cancel your date with him and tell her that he's all hers. You'll have half a century or more of New Years on which to have dates. Having a date on New Years this year isn't worth messing up your friendship.
kythera kythera 8 years
NadiaPotter: Aaaaaamen sister! E. Jean, always so witty. She's the best!
kythera kythera 8 years
NadiaPotter: Aaaaaamen sister!E. Jean, always so witty. She's the best!
mlen mlen 8 years
i agree with tell her that he's contacted you to. but then be the good friend and tell her she can pursue him if she is interested. because really she sounds like she's had a helluva time and could use that boost- and good friendship comes back to you in the end anyways! but i'd still warn her he's out there talking to other girls!
Marci Marci 8 years
I agree with E. Jean on this one too, and that's not always the case.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 8 years
I agree with letting her know that he's contacted you too. I mean, I know it's going to be unpleasant, but she just has her heart broken and she may jump in way too quickly with this guy and you don't want her to be in a serious relationship (one way) not knowing that he still is considering his option. As for your dating him too, as much as I know all is fair in love and dating that it's okay for him to be contacting/dating other girls, think it like this, even if the guy decides to go for you, won't it be uncomfortable later on if you guys get serious and he has to be around your bff whom you know he had interest in? Plus your bff's not going to be happy since she'll feel that you 'betrayed' her. If anything I'd probably say to you to keep on dating other guys. There are many fish in the sea. Good luck.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 8 years
I agree with letting her know that he's contacted you too. I mean, I know it's going to be unpleasant, but she just has her heart broken and she may jump in way too quickly with this guy and you don't want her to be in a serious relationship (one way) not knowing that he still is considering his option. As for your dating him too, as much as I know all is fair in love and dating that it's okay for him to be contacting/dating other girls, think it like this, even if the guy decides to go for you, won't it be uncomfortable later on if you guys get serious and he has to be around your bff whom you know he had interest in? Plus your bff's not going to be happy since she'll feel that you 'betrayed' her.If anything I'd probably say to you to keep on dating other guys. There are many fish in the sea.Good luck.
Jennifer777 Jennifer777 8 years
Ok...I would say that it would be a good thing to let this fish go BUT you should definately fill your bff in. I mean if he is chatting with the 2 of you how many other girls is he chatting with?? My guess owuld be that he has myspace, AIM, yahoo, etc accounts and that he is checking out girls on them too....could lead to even more heartbreak for your friend.
LittleMascara LittleMascara 8 years
I'd agree with letting her have him only if all has been fair in love between the two, up until this point. What I don't agree with is not letting her know that the dude had been talking to Ms. Ball Drop as well. Let a sister know that he's weighing his options before she gets super excited about a guy and starts picking out wedding china. I have a lot of girl friends who try and pin down the first dude after they've gotten out of a serious relationship. Or they look past the slime and go straight for the attention. Let her know that he's playing the field, and she should too.
mnp mnp 8 years
I was in the similar situation with a close friend who was also going through some crappy relationships in her life. (However, it was nothing like a fiance dating her boss and leaving her.) The online guy asked me out instead of her and she was completely fine that I go out with him. She has been through the online dating game so she knows there will be hits and misses. But nevertheless, your bff just lost her fiance. This isn't a good idea. UNLESS, you think this is the man you're going to marry and spend the rest of your life with...which I doubt you know right now, so don't do it.
mnp mnp 8 years
I was in the similar situation with a close friend who was also going through some crappy relationships in her life. (However, it was nothing like a fiance dating her boss and leaving her.) The online guy asked me out instead of her and she was completely fine that I go out with him. She has been through the online dating game so she knows there will be hits and misses.But nevertheless, your bff just lost her fiance. This isn't a good idea. UNLESS, you think this is the man you're going to marry and spend the rest of your life with...which I doubt you know right now, so don't do it.
nicachica nicachica 8 years
E. Jean is right on the money. Let her go out with this guy. Don't mention it again. Just let it be and focus on being there for your best friend. She's so much more important than some random dude (of which there are 3 billion more to choose from!).
jennifer76 jennifer76 8 years
The poor girl is dealing with her ex-fiancee on honeymoon RIGHT NOW after jerking her around for a year and a half, and you're thinking that since you'd "love to get a date lined up for New Year's Eve", screw her! Hmm. And this is your <em>best friend</em>!?
jennifer76 jennifer76 8 years
The poor girl is dealing with her ex-fiancee on honeymoon RIGHT NOW after jerking her around for a year and a half, and you're thinking that since you'd "love to get a date lined up for New Year's Eve", screw her! Hmm. And this is your best friend!?
emalove emalove 8 years
Ooh, this is a sticky situation... I'd let it go and let her "have" him...and not say a word about it. I agree that she's just gone through a horrible experience and doesn't need to get her heart stomped on again. And I also agree with Katday that some random guy from the internet is NOT worth ruining a relationship with your best friend!!!!
SugarKat SugarKat 8 years
I agree. There are plenty of fish in the sea and to go out with this guy could ruin a good friendship...no guy is worth that!
NadiaPotter NadiaPotter 8 years
and... can I hear and AMEN!!
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