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Ask E. Jean for DearSugar: What Should I Do When the Passion is Gone?


Dear E. Jean--

I've been with my boyfriend for over two years. During the first year we were very intimate and had sex multiple times a week. I love him, and I’m not attracted to anyone else; but I find myself not being sexually attracted to my boyfriend anymore.

I don't like kissing him like I used too. Also, I try to avoid having sex. The only time we’re intimate is because I’ve been drinking. I don’t know what to do! When we kiss I just feel blah. I'm so confused because I care about him so much and he’s great. What should I do?

To see E. Jean's answer

MISS WEARY-BOTTOM:

My darling, you’re doomed. Anytime sex turns so insanely freaking dull you have to get drunker than B. Spears to take off the La Perla’s, your affair is . . . done.

I know, I know. You expected Auntie Eeee to launch into the usual ladies-magazine bull hockey and bestow a bunch of sexy “tricks” on you, which in turn would cause you to simply glance at the lad and melt into a hot-molten nympho-orgazmatrix -- but, really, come on. This is DearSugar; and on DearSugar we tell each other the truth (or at least we try not to hand one another a total crock). And, hunny, I guarantee you, that once the “I don’t like kissing him” starts, you’re sunk.

Now . . . what to do. You have four options: Take a lover; find a new boyfriend; live happily ever after with the fellow without the Divine N’s (necking, nuzzling, and nookie). Or, if it so happens that you’re taking some kind of birth control which slams your mood, or are on anti-depressants, or are depressed, over-stressed, suffering with a whacky thyroid, etc, etc., or if the boy has the breath of an iguana . . . well, then a visit or two to the physician and/or a tube of Crest will probably put everything right.

Good Luck. And let us know how it’s going.

To see more advice from E. Jean visit Elle Magazine and AskEJean.com

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Join The Conversation
antitimer antitimer 8 years
ah, i can so relate. well, i think so anyway. i've been with my boyfriend for a year in january. we're pretty serious and have been living together etc... but now, things are just.... less. 'blah' kisses, less sex, bitterness and all of that. i don't think this means he was just a crush however, that would be absurd, but... why has it happened so quickly? is it because we live together, and see too much of each other at such an early stage? can i take the same advice given above? i'm on the pill and anti-depressants, as well as being stressed.... but i still feel it's something between my boyfriend and i... ah. help!
quietone84 quietone84 8 years
I wouldn't ditch him right away, but this is a really big warning sign. Try and make sure it's not just stress/medication affecting you. If it's not that and it doesn't go away after a little bit, it's time to move on.
KristaLynn KristaLynn 8 years
You nailed it on the head, E. Jean! If your man can't hit the mark, it's time to get a new one. Sex may only be a part of the relationship, but to me, it is a major part. LOVE the advice!
lovelie lovelie 8 years
I also agree with E. Jean. I had a very similar experience with my ex...whom I regretably took back over and over again but its finally over. That being said, initially why I broke up with him is because I felt exactly like this. No excitement. I tried to level with him and figure out what it was but I came to the conclusion that the chemistry was gone...and gone for good. The next guy I dated was the most refreshing experience of my life. We had soooo much chemistry...and it was that experience that really reminded me that I want that and you should never have to give up that feeling...or settle with someone your just not that into.
onesong onesong 8 years
I tend to agree with E. Jean, but only because you don't like kissing him anymore. If you still liked kissing him but just wasn't in the mood very often (which totally happens) I would say look for other causes, but girleen...you basically don't want him touching you intimately AT ALL unless you're hammered. I say, before you do a whole boatload of soul=searching, ask yourself this: Are you interested in kissing anyone else, or is it just him that turns you off? If you can imagine kissing someone else, sounds like the guy is the problem. If you're just not interested in anything to do with teh sex, then feel free to explore!
pnayxphile pnayxphile 8 years
Bravo to E. Jean! I agree with her advice. The same scenario had happened to me as well... I had lost attraction to my (now ex) BF after a little over 2 years. I guess the flame just extinguished on my part yet was the opposite on his. Just some advice based on my experience... cheating may occur in the end if the problem isn't dealt with immediately. If I had known this, I would have left him eons before his eyes started to wander. The best of luck to you!
luvluvg luvluvg 8 years
I have heard that for couples that last a long time they fall in love over and over... I wonder how true that is.
sparklestar sparklestar 8 years
I stopped wanting to kiss my ex after like.. 18 months. I should have ended it then because another year of my life got totally wasted and I hardly had any sex.I started wondering if it was me? Whether I was at fault? He was still looking at porn but just sat playing WoW ALL DAY LONG.It wasn't me. The passion had died and was NOT coming back. Once you stop wanting to do the most basic of things.. kissing.. cuddling.. then it's gone. Sorry.
sparklestar sparklestar 8 years
I stopped wanting to kiss my ex after like.. 18 months. I should have ended it then because another year of my life got totally wasted and I hardly had any sex. I started wondering if it was me? Whether I was at fault? He was still looking at porn but just sat playing WoW ALL DAY LONG. It wasn't me. The passion had died and was NOT coming back. Once you stop wanting to do the most basic of things.. kissing.. cuddling.. then it's gone. Sorry.
lizadilly lizadilly 8 years
yeah, it sounds like this one is kaput -- after two years, it might not be has hot or seem as urgent as it once did, but at least it should be nice once it gets going. after 3.5 with my boyfriend, we still have a great romance, but the odd slump is inevitible. i've found that exercising and working hard at my personal goals revs up my libido. feeling good about my own life and health just makes me want to POUNCE! ;)
lizadilly lizadilly 8 years
yeah, it sounds like this one is kaput -- after two years, it might not be has hot or seem as urgent as it once did, but at least it should be nice once it gets going.after 3.5 with my boyfriend, we still have a great romance, but the odd slump is inevitible. i've found that exercising and working hard at my personal goals revs up my libido. feeling good about my own life and health just makes me want to POUNCE! ;)
cravinsugar cravinsugar 8 years
I have also been with my boyfriend, 5.5 years now. I think there was a time where I felt like we had sex ALL the time, and I was tired of it, but, i didn't dislike it. Now, I have moved so we only get to do it like 3 times a month, but wow, when we do...Im suprised we don't catch theh oseuo n fire it's so hot in that room. It's all i can think about until the next time we do it haha. Good luck with your problem. I agree with Auntie Eee as well...If you can't even stand to kiss him...that would do it for me. That is how i judged whether or not i culd even date a guy. if the kiss went away...i would know the guy needed to go away too.
cravinsugar cravinsugar 8 years
I have also been with my boyfriend, 5.5 years now. I think there was a time where I felt like we had sex ALL the time, and I was tired of it, but, i didn't dislike it.Now, I have moved so we only get to do it like 3 times a month, but wow, when we do...Im suprised we don't catch theh oseuo n fire it's so hot in that room. It's all i can think about until the next time we do it haha. Good luck with your problem. I agree with Auntie Eee as well...If you can't even stand to kiss him...that would do it for me. That is how i judged whether or not i culd even date a guy. if the kiss went away...i would know the guy needed to go away too.
Jessielindsey Jessielindsey 8 years
I have been in a wonderful relationship with my boyfriend for five years, but sometimes I feel this way as well. I'm not about to throw out a great guy for a few months of luke-warm hormones. I say go to the doctor (to make sure you're ok), try to destress and pamper yourSELF first (like bubble baths, sultry fiction, whatever works), pop a breath mint, then try some new (possibly ridiculous) tricks from "Cosmo." I think that even trying something goofy enough to make you both laugh can really inhance intimacy and bring spice back into the relationship. Before you know it, you'll be remembering all the OTHER reasons that you love him!
puddlesplasher puddlesplasher 8 years
So. . . what is one supposed to do if these feelings occur (and are only figured out and admitted to) ten years of marriage and four kids later? How do you make it better or get out then?
melda melda 8 years
i like aunt eee's answers i read in all posts
princess_eab princess_eab 8 years
Every couple has slumps. If you really love this guy, look into why you feel this way about him. If you find that you genuinely have no possible chemistry or love left, then leave. But check into your own health and mindset as well as what is going on in other areas of the relationship. Despite what E. Jean thinks, I think there's a lot to be said for TRYING. I mean, what do married couples do?
maryjosie maryjosie 8 years
I agree with a lot of comments about investigating if there is something else that might be influencing your emotions. I personally was questioning my relationship. However, it's really my stress and hormones getting to me and it was easier to take it out on my husband than deal with the stress a different way. i also was off the pill and so the wild swings i was having after I was off of it was also affecting me. However, now being back on the pill I have noticed my sex drive being practically not there.If you truly feel that you want to be with him, then I would investigate if something else is influencing you.It's hard to get past the point where movies and tv make people only truly in love if they are always having sex. It's not the most important thing in a relationship. There's so much more!
maryjosie maryjosie 8 years
I agree with a lot of comments about investigating if there is something else that might be influencing your emotions. I personally was questioning my relationship. However, it's really my stress and hormones getting to me and it was easier to take it out on my husband than deal with the stress a different way. i also was off the pill and so the wild swings i was having after I was off of it was also affecting me. However, now being back on the pill I have noticed my sex drive being practically not there. If you truly feel that you want to be with him, then I would investigate if something else is influencing you. It's hard to get past the point where movies and tv make people only truly in love if they are always having sex. It's not the most important thing in a relationship. There's so much more!
KathleenxCouture KathleenxCouture 8 years
No, You need to get to the root of the issue before you Cross him out of your life completely. If you truely do love this guy you need (and he does too) need to try your hardest to figure out what is really the issue here. Birth control is definately a factor if you take it, it can make your sex drive nearly non-existant. Also if you have a lot of things on your mind or are stressed out, it could play a part too. Spend a weekend with your family and come back to your boyfriend and see how you feel then. I honestly think your relationship can be saved if you figure out what is making you feel so unstimulated around him. If you come up with nothing more than "i just dont like him anymore" then you should end it.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 8 years
A lot (many, most, all) couples have a cooling off period after the initial honeymoon phase. My BF and I have also been together for over two years, and we definitely don't get it on as much. But it doesn't really bother me or him because we both really enjoy it when we do find the time/energy. My guess is that you have been worried about this problem for a while, and the worrying is causing you stress, and stress does NOT lead to anyone feeling turned on! Feeling pressure to be intimate and have sex is the biggest mood killer ever. I don't know if your relationship is meant to last or not, but please don't have the expectation that you are going to want to jump your man every single day for the rest of his life. Maybe there are a few couples in the world like that, or maybe they are all in the movies, but most honest couples will tell you it's just not the same after a few years as it was at the beginning. I think katlovesclothes had great advice about how to try to fix this. If you really love your man, it's probably worth givng it a shot.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 8 years
A lot (many, most, all) couples have a cooling off period after the initial honeymoon phase. My BF and I have also been together for over two years, and we definitely don't get it on as much. But it doesn't really bother me or him because we both really enjoy it when we do find the time/energy.My guess is that you have been worried about this problem for a while, and the worrying is causing you stress, and stress does NOT lead to anyone feeling turned on! Feeling pressure to be intimate and have sex is the biggest mood killer ever.I don't know if your relationship is meant to last or not, but please don't have the expectation that you are going to want to jump your man every single day for the rest of his life. Maybe there are a few couples in the world like that, or maybe they are all in the movies, but most honest couples will tell you it's just not the same after a few years as it was at the beginning.I think katlovesclothes had great advice about how to try to fix this. If you really love your man, it's probably worth givng it a shot.
summer-roberts summer-roberts 8 years
Do you think the answer would be the same if this were a married woman? Is there no way to get the passion back?
Home Home 8 years
I gotta say, I agree with E. Jean on this one. Everyone I know who this has happened to has said later, "Yeah, it wasn't my sex drive that was the problem; it was the guy."
katlovesclothes katlovesclothes 8 years
Wow. This was ME!I found myself in the same predicament, we went to counseling and a lot of it was because I was working LONG hours at work (9am to 8pm, regularly) and I would come home to a messy house, resentful boyfriend (because he can't do everything- and I literally didn't have the time). We weren't communicating and growing increasingly bitter. Also, niether of us had time for adequate self-maintenance. Things got better when I changed jobs and was up-front with my requests for him to contribute (example: I'll cook tonight if YOU do the dishes after).I wish you the best! And a vacation!
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