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Ask a Soccer Coach: I Have a Bridesmaid Dilemma

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. This week, a soccer coach tries to help out a newly engaged reader. If you have a question you'd like answered on Conventional Wisdom, you can submit it here.

Today's Question:

I got engaged on Christmas Day! Yay! But here's my dilemma. I have an old friend that I have been talking to for the past few months now. We found each other on Facebook and keep in touch on a regular basis. She has been there for me when I was having some problems, and I've discussed my relationship with my current boyfriend and soon-to-be husband. Today while I was telling her all about my dress and our plans for the location of the wedding, she asked me who my bridesmaids were going to be. I tried to get out of the question, but she asked again, and I told her I had not planned anything yet and that they may be my cousins. But really I plan to ask my two best girlfriends and three close cousins to be in the wedding. I get the feeling that she expects me to ask her, but I don't want to! What do I do to spare her feelings and not give her the idea that she is going to be in the wedding?

To see the soccer coach's answer,

.

Congrats! It's too bad about your friend situation. No one wants to have to have to "rank" their closest friends, and it's unfair of your friend to make you feel guilty when this occasion should be about you and your future husband. To soften the blow, you should reiterate that it's going to be a small wedding and that you're very close to your family and these particular cousins.

If she's really that good of a friend, you can probably find another role for her, either in the wedding or in preparation for it. Not everyone can make the starting 11 (or five in this case), but every team needs a few key contributors coming off the bench. There's no shame in such a role. You could ask her do a reading at the wedding or ask for her advice or input on anything from the decorations to the honeymoon. If nothing else, it'll remind her that you still consider her a close and valued friend. She may be disappointed, but especially in this case she should have your best interests in mind, not her own.

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hypnoticmix hypnoticmix 6 years
IMO if she does feel slighted she'll experience some disappointment and get over it if she's a real friend. She's should understand that this was probably planned and settled before your reunion with her and the best thing you can do is to make sure she feels just as loved and appreciated as any other of your friends.
clareberrys clareberrys 6 years
I think you should just have who you want to have. You guys havent talked in a while and lost touch, so it would be silly to ask her to be a bridesmaid. But if you remain friends and get closer before the wedding you could either ask her to help out in some way at your wedding OR you could invite her to go to one of your dress fittings with you.
janneth janneth 6 years
These situations are so sensitive. You just have to move forward with your plans as you want them. If you have a place for her to do a reading or handle the name cards or favors, well, go for it. Otherwise, she should be satisfied to be invited to the wedding. Just don't lie. That will be awkward later.
runningesq runningesq 6 years
Ha, I agree with tlsgirl and mix tape -- it's nice to be a BM for a really close friend, but it's a lot of work ! She might just be asking... and if she's fishing, then say "we'd like a small bridal party - I'm just having girl x and girl y"
mix-tape mix-tape 6 years
She might be a bit hurt by the fact that you are not choosing her as a bridesmaid, but I have to agree with tlsgirl, I'd rather not be in the wedding. Just tell her who you chose. No need to justify it. She probably didn't want to be in it anyways considering she was asking you who you chose, who would do that?
lilkimbo lilkimbo 6 years
I agree with jessica and tls. It doesn't seem to me like she's fishing for an invitation; she seems to just be curious. And the fact that you tried to avoid the question and then lied to her speaks more about how you're feeling than about how she is.
skigurl skigurl 6 years
if she was asking you who was in your wedding party as a way to FISH for an invitation, she's a weirdo...just write her back a short answer telling her who you chose....every close friend in the world doesn't have to be/get to be in a wedding party...what if you have like 10 close girlfriends? sometimes you have to pick and choose. if she doesn't understand that, she's strange.
tlsgirl tlsgirl 6 years
Yeah, I'm thinking maybe she was just asking, and the guilty feelings are coming from you, not your friend. Honestly, I'd rather NOT be a bridesmaid, but it wouldn't stop me from inquiring about a friend's wedding plans.
jessicaeden jessicaeden 6 years
She may only be asking out of curiosity because she's excited for you and wants to know all of the details about your special day, rather than fishing for a bridesmaid invite. I wouldn't lie to her if I were you; it makes it sound like you have something to hide. I'm sure she'll understand why she's not a bridesmaid -- how many lovely ladies can you have standing up there with you!?!?
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