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Attraction Between Friends

Group Therapy: Has Our Platonic Friendship Turned Unhealthy?

This question comes from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I think my best friend and I are in love with each other. He is a boy and I am a girl. We have never fooled around and we have been best friends for about 4 1/2 years. We have had what could be considered a very close brother and sister relationship. We are both in our mid 20s and are both currently single. He is a player and loves to date and loves nothing more than having sex with hot women. I am the opposite and haven't had a relationship in years but have been focused on my studies.

Recently, we both revealed that we had thought about dating each other at different points but had ultimately said no. Here is the thing and I know this sounds weird but I am pretty sure he is in love with me. All the qualities he looks for in a woman can basically be found in me. Anyways, our friendship has been rocky lately but has been doing pretty well until these last 2 weeks.

But then she met a guy and started dating him. Find out how he reacted here.

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it, anonymously, to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.


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rivasoave rivasoave 3 years
http://rivasoave.blogspot.co.uk/
rivasoave rivasoave 3 years
I think you need to go back to the basis of what makes this a platonic relationship! You can't keep crossing lines forever. I talk about it on my blog rivasoave.blogspot.com if its a help :) rivasoave xx
dikke-kus dikke-kus 5 years
He likes it that you are a challenge. You know his habits and who he is. Once he screws you he will tell you it was nothing serious and the relationship will end like he did to the others. If he wanted to date you he would have asked you. If he liked you he would do anything to stop the other guy from sleeping with you but instead he just tells you to sleep with someone else. Listen to what he is saying.
Janine22 Janine22 5 years
The comments that your friend made after you starting dating someone do not in any way to me sound like he was jealous. They sound like supportive comments from a good friend. It seems to me like you are analyzing every aspect of his behaviour to see if there is any indication that he is in love with you. He has made it abundantly clear that he does not want to date you and mostly just wants to use girls for sex. So now you are not talking to him because he slept with someone else??? He obviously did not want you to know because he knew that you would be jealous. It strokes his ego big time every time you act like you want to date him and that is why he likes to flirt with you and encourage it. If he was actually in love with you and wanted to date you, then he would have asked you out by now. But he has not. So perhaps he is jealous because you are interested in and dating someone else, therefore he does not get as much of your attention as he is used to having. He has had plenty of opportunities to ask you out and he never has. That says to me that you are in the friend zone. Sure, if you share a bed with him when you go away then he will likely try to sleep with you, but that does not mean that he wants a relationship. That means that he is horny and wants to get laid or wants a FWB relationship. Be careful with a guy like that, he is a player so he knows what to do and say to get girls to have sex with him and to make them feel good. You are also at a higher risk of contracting an STI if you have sex with him because he is obviously promiscuous and into multiple partners. Not to mention that he will probably break your heart as well. Why are you so interested in a guy that has made it clear that he does not want to date you?? Is it the thrill of the chase perhaps, you want what you cannot have? If the guy was really in love with you, then he would tell that he was or that he wanted to date you. If he has not done that, then date other people. If you need to take some time off from the friendship in order to get your head in order, then do that. If it hurts you to be friends with him, then reduce the amount of time that you spend with him. The only other alternative is to come right out and tell him that you are in love with him, but I suspect it will not end well for you and will just boost his ego. Good luck with everything.
Janine22 Janine22 5 years
The comments that your friend made after you starting dating someone do not in any way to me sound like he was jealous. They sound like supportive comments from a good friend. It seems to me like you are analyzing every aspect of his behaviour to see if there is any indication that he is in love with you. He has made it abundantly clear that he does not want to date you and mostly just wants to use girls for sex. So now you are not talking to him because he slept with someone else??? He obviously did not want you to know because he knew that you would be jealous. It strokes his ego big time every time you act like you want to date him and that is why he likes to flirt with you and encourage it. If he was actually in love with you and wanted to date you, then he would have asked you out by now. But he has not. So perhaps he is jealous because you are interested in and dating someone else, therefore he does not get as much of your attention as he is used to having. He has had plenty of opportunities to ask you out and he never has. That says to me that you are in the friend zone. Sure, if you share a bed with him when you go away then he will likely try to sleep with you, but that does not mean that he wants a relationship. That means that he is horny and wants to get laid or wants a FWB relationship. Be careful with a guy like that, he is a player so he knows what to do and say to get girls to have sex with him and to make them feel good. You are also at a higher risk of contracting an STI if you have sex with him because he is obviously promiscuous and into multiple partners. Not to mention that he will probably break your heart as well. Why are you so interested in a guy that has made it clear that he does not want to date you?? Is it the thrill of the chase perhaps, you want what you cannot have? If the guy was really in love with you, then he would tell that he was or that he wanted to date you. If he has not done that, then date other people. If you need to take some time off from the friendship in order to get your head in order, then do that. If it hurts you to be friends with him, then reduce the amount of time that you spend with him. The only other alternative is to come right out and tell him that you are in love with him, but I suspect it will not end well for you and will just boost his ego. Good luck with everything.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
Good lord, get two beds for your vacation together. Unless you really want to have sex with him. Regardless, I foresee some hefty drama and door slamming in your future, darlin.Jealousy doesn't mean he loves you forever. It means he is irritated that he lost your attention. You like each other and think each other is cute. That doesn't mean you oughta get married and have babies! There are all sorts of factors that create true compatibility. If all of the major factors are not there, trying to have a relationship is a bad idea. So. Just settle on the friendship and stop fantasizing about what could be.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
Good lord, get two beds for your vacation together. Unless you really want to have sex with him. Regardless, I foresee some hefty drama and door slamming in your future, darlin. Jealousy doesn't mean he loves you forever. It means he is irritated that he lost your attention. You like each other and think each other is cute. That doesn't mean you oughta get married and have babies! There are all sorts of factors that create true compatibility. If all of the major factors are not there, trying to have a relationship is a bad idea. So. Just settle on the friendship and stop fantasizing about what could be.
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 5 years
Ah, right Cheer, I read that wrong. Well the rest of what I said still stands.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 5 years
I could've sworn this is the rewording of another post from awhile back. The difference is the more details on the mutual friend letting her know about the indiscretion of her male friend and that the poster is sure that he loves her too (although in the other post, the op says that he declines to commit to her although he may have strong feeling for her). I suggest to move on (he's not interested in committed relationship, just a sexual one, and at least he's not taking his sexual needs out on you--not using you as a sleeping buddy), and I really think it's a bad idea to be going on a vacation with him and sharing a bed. Too much temptation and for you it's more than just sex, it can lead to heartbreaks and the breaking of a friendship too. And if you're currently dating another guy, unless it's still in the stage where you can date other guys...if things progress with this new guy, you'll have drama later on based on this thing with your so-called good friend. But whatever you decide, good luck!
kurniakasih kurniakasih 5 years
I could've sworn this is the rewording of another post from awhile back. The difference is the more details on the mutual friend letting her know about the indiscretion of her male friend and that the poster is sure that he loves her too (although in the other post, the op says that he declines to commit to her although he may have strong feeling for her).I suggest to move on (he's not interested in committed relationship, just a sexual one, and at least he's not taking his sexual needs out on you--not using you as a sleeping buddy), and I really think it's a bad idea to be going on a vacation with him and sharing a bed. Too much temptation and for you it's more than just sex, it can lead to heartbreaks and the breaking of a friendship too.And if you're currently dating another guy, unless it's still in the stage where you can date other guys...if things progress with this new guy, you'll have drama later on based on this thing with your so-called good friend.But whatever you decide, good luck!
kimmieb124 kimmieb124 5 years
I know you have invested a lot of time into this friendship after 4 1/2 years, but it doesn't seem like this guy is serious about you or anyone else if he's still hooking up with people. I have a female friend in a similar situation and in that case the guy (also a player) seems to get off on the fact that my friend is in love with him and so he keeps stringing her along with little drops of hope in order to maintain that power over her. I don't know if this guy is doing the same thing to you, but it sounds like he could be and that's not a healthy place for you to be. The fact that he said he thinks it upsets you to hear about him hooking up with people makes me think that he thinks you're into him and that he wants you to be into him--not necessarily because he wants a romantic relationship with you but because he likes the feeling of power. If you've met someone you like, I would say pursue that relationship and have fun dating and meeting new people rather than waiting for this guy to come around. He may never come around and even if he did, I would have a hard time trusting him to commit when he likes to sleep around so much.
RaCheer RaCheer 5 years
@Betty Wayne: I think it was the mutual friend who called her, not the girl he picked up.
lickety-split lickety-split 5 years
I don't see where you have reason to think he wants to date you. After 4+ years, he's had more than enough chances to do so. Stop looking for "signs" with your friend and stop worrying about his dating life. Enjoy your own.
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 5 years
Why in the world would she call you, and how did she get your number? That is weird as hell to me. Was he talking about you and she wanted to make you jealous because she's a crazy bitch? You've never met her before, have you? I have no idea why he would keep it a secret. Does it matter? I would give up on having a relationship with this guy, some men need to sow their wild oats before they're ready to settle down and he's obviously not ready to settle down if he's picking up girls in hotels. I would feel uncomfortable sharing a bed with this guy if I was you. He may just want to get in your pants before you're taken. You may want to consider letting this friendship wither. Does the new boyfriend know you're going to be sharing a bed with this guy? You may want to talk it over with the new boyfriend, that's the sort of semi-questionable thing that can pop up later in a relationship and cause all sorts of strain.
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 5 years
Why in the world would she call you, and how did she get your number? That is weird as hell to me. Was he talking about you and she wanted to make you jealous because she's a crazy bitch? You've never met her before, have you?I have no idea why he would keep it a secret. Does it matter?I would give up on having a relationship with this guy, some men need to sow their wild oats before they're ready to settle down and he's obviously not ready to settle down if he's picking up girls in hotels.I would feel uncomfortable sharing a bed with this guy if I was you. He may just want to get in your pants before you're taken. You may want to consider letting this friendship wither.Does the new boyfriend know you're going to be sharing a bed with this guy? You may want to talk it over with the new boyfriend, that's the sort of semi-questionable thing that can pop up later in a relationship and cause all sorts of strain.
soulsearcher83 soulsearcher83 5 years
The both of you are playing games and if you want to get this resolved, you need to stop. If you are dating someone now and are committed or think you will be soon, you should not be sleeping in the same bed as him for this vacation. Your bff is a player and you are better off not getting sucked into this drama that both of you are creating and stop contributing to it yourself.
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