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Bad Dreams About Boyfriend

"I Constantly Have Bad Dreams About My Boyfriend"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our Community. Add your advice in the comments!

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half. I really love him and we generally have a great relationship, but definitely with our share of ups and downs. The downs have mainly been due to fears and insecurities I have — it's my first really serious relationship (I'm in my mid-20s and a life long commitment-phobe!), so feeling this vulnerable is overwhelming and scary for me at times.

Since the beginning of our relationship I have always had dreams about my boyfriend that range from neutral (we're out with a bunch of friends but not really talking to each other) to terrible (he's with an ex or I'm cheating on him with someone else). I get the good one on occasion, but it's rare. These dreams really mess with my head. It's terrible when you wake up in the morning and that's the first thing you think about! It can throw me into a funk and get me ruminating on something all day to the point where I pick a fight with him about it later. Really unhealthy behavior. But it also makes me really worry about where these feelings and fears are coming from, and if any of them are legitimate.

I should add that prior to this, I usually didn't have dreams that I remembered. Once a week, maybe. Now it's 3-4 times a week at least. And most focus on him or people I know through him. I was also never the person who had 'great' dreams — no sitting on the beach drinking coronas in my REM cycle! They are always a little bizarre or action packed. Just for background.

So my question is: what does all of this mean? Is this normal? Is there anything I can do to stop it? I'm tired of waking up with a pit in my stomach — some nights I'm hesitant to fall asleep because of this! Thank you.

Have a dilemma of your own? PPost it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice!

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RoaringSilence RoaringSilence 2 years
It's definitely normal. I don't think you have to worry about it too much. Our dreams rarely directly relate to our lives. If there's anything stressing you out at all in your life, that could result in bad dreams about anything (according to my therapist, who should know :)) You said yourself that you are still working on feeling at ease in a relationship, so your dreams are probably just your brain's way of working that out. Besides, a dream where you're cheating on him doesn't mean that you want to - it does however mean that he's a very important person in your life, and even present in your unconscious. Since you feel terrible after those dreams, and not awesome because you had a hot adventure with someone else, I think that's a very good sign actually. I'm in a similar situation right now; ever since my boyfriend lost his job, which has been stressing me out, I've had really stressful dreams. Not about him generally, just things that would stress me out in real life (breaking stuff, going out in a skirt without shaving my legs, etc). Even though they're little things, they make me wake up not well rested and like you said, put a damper on my mood for a good part of the day. I recommend after waking up, you do something that you enjoy, like taking a scented bath, looking at the Pinterest humor section, yoga, listening to some guided meditation videos on youtube. That way you can start your day off right, and hopefully won't be so tense that it starts a fight between you and your partner. Maybe you could always tell him right after waking up when you've had a bad dream, and how it made you feel, so he can respond more appropriately. If there are things between you that stress you out in general, maybe sit him down for a few minutes where you can say whatever is on your mind, in a safe place, and you both agree that you can share your fears without any judgement or anyone taking offence. Good luck, and PM me if you want to talk some more!
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