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Bad Reactions to Engagement Announcement

"I Got a Bad Reaction to My Engagement"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!


I got engaged about three weeks ago. I have been with my partner for four years, and we also live together. We're both quite social but have a few close friends that we love dearly. Really happy — well, almost.

From my fiance's friends, (who are all married, most with young children, he is 9 years older than me) — we got the usual "Yay, we're so happy for you!", "Congratulations", "It's about time!", etc., which made us feel really happy and special about this amazing time in our lives. When I told my two best friends, I was a little bit thrown by their reaction. When I called them to say I was engaged one just said "Oooookaaaaaaay, that's nice," and the other was busy and didn't answer but responded to my voicemail with a text a few hours later (a text!!) that said, "How lovely. See you soon!" They didn't seem as excited or happy as I would've expected and wanted. I've seen them be more excited about 2-for-1 cocktail specials.

I definitely don't think they disapprove of him. They've known him for years, and we all hang out quite a lot. We also have quite open friendships. Only a few months ago, one of my friends and I told friend number three that we thought her boyfriend was rude to her and that we thought she deserved better. If there was ever a time to bring up the fact that they hated my boyfriend, they have had a lot of time. Also, they always seem to want to hang out at our house every single Friday with me and my fiancé. They are also friends with him separate to me. Point is, I don't think my fiancé is the problem.

I hate to sound like a silly girl who thinks everyone is jealous of me because I truly don't want to believe that's the case, but I must say that both of them are single. And they have never had serious relationships or relationships that have lasted longer than 6-8 weeks. I've spent most of my adult life in relationships — a 4 year relationship from 18-22, about 8 months of dating a few guys for a few weeks at a time, and then I met my current boyfriend who I've been with for 4 years. I am 26. My friends are a little younger and are going to turn 26 at the very end of the year. I've always told them that I wish I was them. I've never really had a chance to be single and wasted all of my fun college years trying to make a very serious, verbally abusive man happy.

I want to start wedding planning and was expecting to ask them to both be my maids of honor, but now I'm not sure how to proceed. The last three Fridays we haven't really done anything together, which is a little weird. It's also my 27th birthday this coming Friday, and they haven't really called to make any plans with me, which really hurts. I have analyzed everything I've said and done and so far the only conversation I've had with them since things got weird is the call to say I'm engaged and a few texts saying stuff like, "How was your day?" etc.

Should I ask them directly, (which I think could come across as being a little entitled, bratty, and they might just think I have a superiority complex because I'm engaged — I don't know I just get that feeling) or should I just leave it? I feel like I've been there for them through losing jobs, graduation celebrations, birthdays, etc., and I think as friends they ought to be there for me. I feel really sad. They are like my sisters, and I think this is spoiling this happy time for me.

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously on Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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steph1234 steph1234 4 years
Well...thing is...you can't just assume their reasoning...they may be jealous, but then again, they may not be...they may have just had a bad day when you told them, or they may not think you should be marrying this guys....but you won't ever know unless you ask them. So just go out and ask them about their ho-hum reactions. And when they tell you, don't get mad....just listen... communication is so important...not just in romantic relationships, but everyday friendships as well. so please talk to them...ask them....don't get defensive....it's apparent that you believe in your relationship with your fiance....and that's great...but still listen to them...talk openly and honestly and let them know you want to hear their open and honest thoughts about the situation because you value their friendship. Good luck!
freakorist freakorist 4 years
maybe its the naive person in me but maybe they want to surprise you for your birthday and are avoiding you until then?
GTCB GTCB 4 years
Weddings bring out the best and the worst of people.  Sometimes people get really weird.  Like your friends.
GZO GZO 4 years
Well, don't worry about sounding like "a silly girl who thinks everyone is jealous of" her, because you don't come across that way at all. I think your friends, jealous though they probably are, went about this so wrong. If they have no issue with you or your fiance, and are simply feeling like their lives aren't going as they'd planned, the least they could do is put that aside and throw you a little "OMG!" action. Then they could get together on their own and commiserate about how lonely and single and behind in life they feel.    Kind of reminds me of the episode of Friends where Monica and Chandler are going to get engaged, and Rachel and Phoebe's back-and-forth about the whole thing:  Rachel: I mean I’m probably 98% happy, maybe 2% jealous. And I mean what’s 2%? That’s nothing. Phoebe: Totally. I’m like 90/10. Rachel: We’re gonna find love! Phoebe: Definitely! Rachel: Yeah, I’m pretty confident about that. That’s what makes it so easy for me to be 80% happy for Monica and Chandler!   If it were me, I'd ask them about being maids of honor when you have them together. That way you could judge their reactions and lay things out. Tell them you are (obviously) super excited about getting married and you'd really love to include them in the planning, but only if they want to be included. Good luck...
jaan_black jaan_black 4 years
they're jealous - end of story
henna-red henna-red 4 years
One of my best friends and I have been seperated twice, by growing up and growing apart, and by not understanding how to disagree. We've blown up our bond twice, in twenty five years, and have now come back together for the third time. I'm so grateful and happy to have her back in my life, and her husband who is also a great friend....and a third friend, who was integral to a foursome of my sister and the two of them, has also come back into my life. Don't lose hope, you never know what can happen. I've learned so much from these friends, the coming together and the breaking apart. We all have life lessons, learning how to cope with ourselves and each other.....It's really amazing to be listening and sharing our experiences from the between times, the growth we've each experienced, how we've each changed and how we've each remained the same. I was just a kid, 19 when I met these two ladies, who are a decade older than my sis and I.....and it was on the second reunion that the husband came in.....these people have all been integral in my life, in my development to the person I am now, and I can't be too regretful about the breaking aparts, because I've learned so much, with hindsight, and with comparative experiences..... Bubbles, I'm so sorry about the loss of your sister! I'm so sorry she hasn't been able to see what you've seen and to grow past the need for her disability. That's so sad :( My sister and I are very close, share our household, have been through so much through the years.....she's my family, chosen as well as born, and we've been through our bumps and seperations, but we've always been friends and sisters, kind of a symbiotic relationship at times. Padawan, happy birthday! Have a great weekend, girl :) How great that you're finding your way through the disapointment. You certainly have a balm for hurt feelings in the excitement of your coming nuptials...bet you'll eventually be so busy you won't have so much time to dwell. blessed be ladies
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 4 years
Padawan I went through the same thing. My best friend was my oldest sister. We were inseparable. But when I became engaged she became a jerk. She was my matron of honor but I was completely on my own and when she did participate she was just mean. Dad talked to her, she still didn't stop. I started looking at our relationship and began to realize a great many unpleasant things about her and us. She undermined me quite a bit, her doing this now wasn't really that different, just more obvious. I started to distance myself. It changed our relationship forever. That also changed my life. Our relationship was so influential that by protecting myself from her it changed every relationship in my life, for the better. My confidence increased. It was extremely painful though. I miss our closeness, but it was at too high of a cost. She is not interested in treating me (or herself really) with respect. You're not alone in this experience, if that helps. I still hope they are able to come through for you.
Padawan-Pri Padawan-Pri 4 years
Thanks for the congratulations guys! Henna, I'm definitely not as nice as you've portrayed but thanks so much ;-) Feel all happy now! I had a long think and cry about it last night while sadly gnawing at a super greasy aka amazing, comforting 4 cheese pizza and creme brulee ice cream last in my worst pair of pajamas and realized there isn't anything I can do at all. I have had many friends before that I've drifted apart from because of changing jobs, leaving school, university etc but these 2 friends have been my rock for the past 12 years. It's going to hurt a lot and I do feel really isolated and lonely right now but I can't make them happy for me. Also spoke to my Mom who said some people often prefer to commiserate with you than congratulate you. I just never imagined it would be them. Argh, I've always felt that we were above all that overly stereotypically girly (hope you know what I mean) nonsense. We've always imagined what it would be like to get married, chose dresses etc but now that it's happening to one of us - they're as silent as the grave. I'm angry but I'll get over it. Eventually. If there's anything that this engagement has taught me is that everyone's turn comes for love, be it conventional marriage or a wonderful life partnership or even true friendship. It actually the thing that flashed through my mind before i said yes when my boyfriend asked me. I was a seriously awkward girl growing up and got teased a lot at school, i then had a bad, abusive relationship in which a man used those negative past experiences to control me but at the end (or rather the beginning of this new chapter) I found someone who loves me and who I love. Yay! If they can't be happy for me then it's their loss. No usual calls yet for birthday plans so fiance and I are off on Thursday for a long weekend away. This is the best and happiest moment of my life so far and I'm not going to let anyone make me feel doubtful or sad about this. After all, I expect it to happen just once :-)
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 4 years
Wow, their reaction was horrible, self-absorbed and completely sucks. Distance yourself from this self-pity party and let them regroup and come to you with open arms. They may not. Totally agree with Henna. Welcome to The Big Shift. Your change in status will indeed affect how people react to you -- virtually everyone in your life will treat you a little differently and as you can see it isn't always good but for the most part it is REALLY good. This is an exciting time. You won't take everyone through this shift with you, they may not make it. It's not about you, it's about comfort levels, the natural self-judging we all do about where we are in relation to others. See Bridesmaids lately? There you go. Find a woman in your life who you know is TRULY happy for you and who will dive in and support you and make that person your maid/matron of honor. And congratulations!
henna-red henna-red 4 years
Congratulations on your happiness and the excitement of your engagement! :) Your emotions are just bubbling off the page and I'm so happy for you! I think you understand your friends, and just don't want to admit it to yourself, because their reaction, which does sound like jealousy, is sooooo disappointing. I'm sorry. It sounds to me as though you are a great friend, an incredible skill to have....but that, perhaps, your generous spirit has given these women more credit than they deserve....they are not great friends. They have glommed onto you, as a freind, because you are one of those lovely, generous of spirit people who always gives so much to those around her...you sparkle, you tinct.....and they suck that up but don't give back so much as they take. I know this is a tough way to find out how good your friends are, but if you're not getting that "we're soooo happy for you" response that great friends give, then they are telling you who they really are. I wouldn't worry about whether they approve or disapprove of your fiance, YOU approve of him and that's what's important. I think you should believe them, their reponse is telling you who they are, not who your fiance is. Who they are is not the great friends you thought. I'm sorry, this is crappy time to find it out....if this were me, I'd look around for attendents who were as happy and excited for me as I was for myself. I'd want that support. They're not giving that...and that doesn't reflect on you, it reflects on them....poorly. Again....sorry. Perhaps a matron of honor? one of your friends from your fiance's group? Listen, I want to encourage you to not let these chix bring you down. Accept their response, don't search for more, if they have more to give they'll offer. And if they don't.....it's their loss, and you are going to find better friends, other people who are also attracted to your shining spirit who will give back to you all of the love and support that you give. Take good care, girl. Have a wonderful wedding and a wonderful marriage. best of luck :)
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