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Balancing Casual Relationships With Two Guys

"I Want to Have My Cake and Eat It Too"

This week's confession comes from our anonymous Confession Booth group in the TrèsSugar Community. Weigh in with your advice below.

There are two guys in my life, one with whom I share great sexual chemistry and an equally matched sex drive. He's respectful and interesting, but I doubt I'd ever want anything beyond a friends-with-benefits situation. I'm not as physically familiar with the other man, although I have no doubt we'd be a good match, and we're also very well matched mentally and emotionally. He's the kind of guy I'd want to enter a longterm relationship with — and I do want that with him. Problem is, he's fresh out of a relationship and I think he needs a bit of time to get over that.

I disclosed to the first guy that it most likely wouldn't be a longterm thing, so I'm wondering if it would be unethical to hook up with the first guy while giving the second guy some time to heal. I suppose I want to have my cake and eat it too, but I would never overlap guys or try to do anything manipulative. I have absolutely no sort of commitment to either one, and there's no chance of them finding out about each other.

There's lots of cool stuff going on in our community — join it, check it out, share your posts or advice in the great groups, and maybe we'll feature it here on TrèsSugar!

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GTCB GTCB 3 years
Crap like this is the reason why guys should NEVER ask about a girl's complete sexual history.  It's also the reason why women lie about it.
Ciris Ciris 3 years
I think it's a question of does continuing the Fw/B situation you have with guy 1 hurt your possibilities with guy 2, and is the likelihood of this enough to end things with guy 1 right now?  How I see it is that you've been clear about your intentions to guy 1 and so continuing as is with him is not unfair to him (though ending things may be a different issue, especially if it's abrupt) and with guy 2 you have no obligation to put on hold your dating life (even if you didn't have a Fw/B) for the possibility that he might someday be ready to enter into a relationship with you.   That said I think you need to be clear to guy 1 that if you get into a situation where you've found someone (not just guy 2) you'd like to get serious with that the current situation would absolutely end so that he is prepared for that possibility.  You don't need to get into the specifics of waiting on this particular guy 2 when telling guy 1 but you need to be clear so that if guy 2 does become a real possibility there isn't difficulty in ending it with guy 1.  Then with guy 2  I would strongly suggest getting a clear idea of if he reciprocates your romantic feelings and if so a rough timeline of if/when he'd want to get back into a long term relationship and deciding if that will work for you.   My concern is though that both these guys are a way that you are holding yourself back from the relationship you want.  A Fw/B makes it so you're less worried about (or at least have less motivation and time for) finding someone with whom you really want a long term relationship.  Guy 2 is unavailable for the foreseeable future and so is keeping you in a holding pattern waiting for his decision and pushing you back toward keeping guy 1 around in the mean time.  So IMHO you also need to take a hard look at what you really want and how your choices between these two guys or the situations do or don't help you get it and if you're willing to accept that, whatever it is you decide.
testadura67 testadura67 3 years
The fact that you've taken into consideration whether or not they'd find out about each other, means you're already aware that it would be a hurtful situation to one or both of them if you went through with it. Knowing that, and still considering it, makes me think you don't deserve either one of them. 
henna-red henna-red 3 years
You are asking people what their ethics are, and the question is what are your ethics? It's pretty obvious on this site that there is a lot of variety in how people decide what is right and what is wrong. How do people do that? By asking other questions. Is it possible for my actions to hurt another person? Is it possible for my actions to hurt me? What is my moral code, and why is it my moral code. No one on this site can tell you what your moral code "should" be. You have to decide that for yourself, and ethics start before you make choice about your behaviors, they don't form after, in order to make all of your choices kosher. So the question is: how and why do YOU choose your behaviors? What are your priorities? No one here can give you permission to do what you want to do. People here can tell you what is right and what is wrong within their own value systems, but so what? This is about your value system. What do you value? How do you choose based on those values? This is work that everyone has to do for themselves. As a pagan, the wording of my system is First, do no harm. Second, do whatever you want but, everything you do returns to you three times (in this lifetime.) So the only advice I will give is to suggest you ask yourself those questions: will/can my actions harm another? Am I ok with someone behaving towards me in the manner I am choosing to behave towards them? The one thing I notice that I will share, is that you are suggesting honesty about the situation with the first man, and not with the second. What does that tell you?
pax4pax pax4pax 3 years
To what "ethics" are you referring? Your whole plan is unethical, so, what does it matter? Satisfy yourself and don't worry about such ethics, because you can obviously make them fit whatever you want.
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 3 years
Interesting dilemma. It's really turning sex into a commodity, very guy like. I've seen people not regret and regret. There is no one answer. No matter what any of us say you're the one who is going to live with this memory. For some people it would be a smug happy secret adventure. The fact you're asking us makes me wonder if you don't feel great about this. Why is it you're so sure about the LTR guy? Guys tend to move really fast between relationships. I'm not advocating being the rebound girl but what's stopping you from letting him know you're interested, when he's ready? I think you're making big assumptions. He may only see you as a FWB option or no option, even if he thinks you're cute and interesting. Have you ever had a FWB relationship before? If you haven't, I'd just warn you things rarely are cut and dried. Emotions do tend to flare up on one or both sides - sex is an emotional thing even if it's just pride. What those emotions are is Pandora's Box, could be anything. By going into it as FWB he knows you don't think he's 'it'. It's a put down, even if he does get sex. We women get a lot of credit for being creatively vengeful but we have nothing on guys when their egos are bruised somehow. Other thing to consider: let's say the LTR guy and you eventually get together. Will you feel guilty about it? If he found out (he probably will even if you just admit it over too many margaritas when you think it's all clear) how would he see you? Nothing different than he'd do or did? Or...? If he is conservative, you're setting yourself up for potential drama or guilt. And again, most importantly, how would you see yourself? That's what's important. Imagine yourself in 10 or 20 years thinking back. Fond memories or? I'd take the long term view.
BiWife BiWife 3 years
leave out the part about "another man" and that sounds like a decent plan. Let the FWB guy know that you don't see it becoming an LTR but that's no reason you guys can't have fun for as long as it lasts. it'd add an unnecessary jealousy element if you talk about another guy.
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