The New York Post reports Bernie Madoff's niece Shana, a compliance officer at his infamous firm, "signed a lot of documents" during her tenure. The possible convicté has been asking around the streets of Manhattan's downtown as to what, exactly, is prison like.
Good question! She's summoned Larry Levine, founder of Wall Street Prison Consultants and former inmate #587,1635, to take his fedtime 101 crash course for the one-time price of $999 (call now!). Learn more at his website that asks "Going from the exchange floor to the prison yard?" Maybe, Larry, it may be.
Since not every white collar criminal can afford (some aren't very good) top-notch services, I thought I'd round up the Internet's best tips on what to expect when you're serving time. Ready? You will be.
- Order magazines subscriptions: There's no Internet in jail, if WikiHow can be believed. If you self-surrender, you'll have time to order them beforehand.
- Go to the dentist! While dental care is offered in prison, you do not want it.
- Lose the nostalgia: Focus on your prison life, not on the outside world. Get involved!
- Talk the talk: Levine is the process of penning a prison-slang dictionary. He recommends Shana learn words like "kiester," a verb meaning "to smuggle something like cigarettes or batteries using your back end."
To see the rest,
- Get new glasses: The choice of frames are awful in prison.
- Don't believe appearances: White-collar jail may not look like the stark barbwire colonies of high-security prisons, but the game is the same. Expect loss of privacy, cavity searches, standing in line outside for 90 or so minutes (weather not permitting), and food that makes your college cafeteria look like three Michelin stars.
- Emotions: Don't express them! Guards and other inmates prey on emotions. If they know what angers you, they will manipulate you; if they know what makes you happy, they will take it away.
- Get a good prison book! There are many out there; consider Chicken Soup For the Prisoner's Soul.