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Best Friend and Boyfriend Don't Get Along

Group Therapy: How Do I Get My Best Friend and Boyfriend to Like Each Other?

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

My boyfriend and I had an argument, and broke up for a little while. As a girl, I go to my friends when I'm trying to make sense of and get over a breakup. I went to one of my best friends, who has only met my boyfriend twice, and I thought we had a lot of fun both times. She told me that she never liked my boyfriend; that he seemed immature and his sense of humor was too vulgar (judging from his Facebook). That was something that never really annoyed me about him. However, at the time, it made me feel better to know she didn't like him, because I was trying to get over him. He contacted me a few days later and said he wanted to try again, and that he made a mistake and his anger had taken over during our argument. When we talked, he asked who I talked to about the breakup, and what their opinions were. Stupidly, I told him that this particular friend never really liked him.

I took a few days to really think about what I had done wrong in our relationship before, and we have decided to start over. Things are great — I am spending more time with my friends and family, working out, and doing things I never let myself do in the relationship before. We are getting along so well and taking things slow. The problem though, is that now that my boyfriend knows that my friend never liked him, he doesn't want to hang out with her and her boyfriend. We had always planned to go out or go on a double date again, but hadn't gotten around to it. My boyfriend never had a problem with her, but feels like he can't be around her now. How can I help him to feel comfortable around her again, and how can I make her see that he IS good for me?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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jennifer0605007 jennifer0605007 4 years
Its not UP TO you its up to him. If he really likes you and truely cares for you he will put up with it and try to make things civil. Might I mention that friends can usually see what you can't early in a relationship?
SheIsSoFine SheIsSoFine 4 years
I'm pretty much with everybody else on this. Telling your boyfriend what she said wasn't the smartest move. But you can learn from this mistake. You can't force them to be friends. Just chill out and see what happens. And I can definitely relate to the poster who lost a friend because of the friend's jealous boyfriend. My best friend ditched me because her boyfriend didn't like me. He told her that I flirted with him, which was bullshit because I couldn't stand him. Anyway, she decided to end our friendship of 7 years because of his manipulative behavior. She turned into a very insecure, mean person because of him. It was really sad. The last time I saw her was around 2002. She had broken up with him by then. I also recommend that you don't ditch your friend to make your boyfriend happy, especially if she is a good friend who has always been there for you. Just accept that you made a mistake and move on. Spend time with them both on a separate basis....this way, you will avoid uncomfortable situations. I hope it all works out.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 4 years
missmaryb is right... this is the oldest story in the book. I got unbridesmaided due to a similar situation, which is when I learned that you never, ever bad mouth the boyfriend no matter how terrible he is (but fwiw, they were only married six months before divorcing). The mistake you made was telling your boyfriend what your friend said. Don't do that again in the future. You might not ever get them to come around and be friends, but hopefully you will both learn from this. Also, do NOT abandon your friend over the situation. If you do, you WILL regret it once you and this boyfriend break up again.
jenjen82 jenjen82 4 years
Sounds like you blew it and you need to accept that. Keep them both seperate and don't make the mistake a lot of women do and ignore your friends while with your boyfriend. Because when the likely chance that you and the boy break up you will want to go right back to your friend. (Who is probably right, your boyfriend might just be a douchebag judging by his cry baby whiney reaction and immaturity) and need her again.
steph1234 steph1234 4 years
Maybe you need to learn to keep personal things to yourself. People can generally make their own opinions about people, but I definitely believe that you need to let them do that and not add fuel to their fire by telling them details like that. Especially if you are serious about this guy. I'm glad things are going well for you two, but I definitely agree with luckyduckyy, you shouldn't force them to like each other or be around each other...it will just make it awkward, and I think eventually will force you to choose one or the other. Just let them keep their distance....you can still have a life outside of him..which it sounds like you are...so keep it that way! You don't have to have your friends' approval on the guy you date....the only time I would listen would be when multiple friends and family members are seeing not-so-good things about him...then that may pose a red flag....Good luck!
kurniakasih kurniakasih 4 years
I see no advantage forcing them to hang out or accept each other. Let's hope that eventually your bf mellows out and your friend won't mind not having a double date anytime soon. But if you think this friend is worth keeping, I suggest to find a balance to not favor one heavily over the other (like bf or best friend). I've been in your friend's situation, I think she's saying those things to you because she's being a friend = trying to be supportive of you to get over him. Like your friend, I learned the hard way that we should never ever let our friends know what we really think of their partners LOL. Since I've not been in your position, I've always wondered: why made you tell your bf those things to him when you're reconciling? Do you secretly want those two to not be friendly with each other anymore, I mean, what were you expecting...would you feel comfortable if you know someone dislikes you? As for me, I ended up losing my friend because her bf ended up hating me. Not until a decade later we reconnect (that's because they permanently broke it off after a few more years) The worse part is eventually you may or may not have to choose between your best friend or your bf. Hopefully you don't get to be at that point. Good luck.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 4 years
OP, Is he too immature? Is his sense of humor too vulgar? Or is she just being too prudish?
missmaryb missmaryb 4 years
Classic situation...guy and girl fight/break up, best friend consoles the broken hearted by badmouthing boyfriend, girl gets back with boyfriend and things turn really awkward for everyone. I've been on both ends of it. I wouldn't try to force them to hang out. Just spend time with them separately. It might be wise to not discuss the boyfriend in great detail, unless it's to convince her how awesome he is. And vice versa. Maybe eventually they will agree to start over and get to know each other. But I would also advise you to keep your friend's concerns in the back of your mind. Sometimes outsiders see obvious things that we miss. Good luck.
luckyduckyy luckyduckyy 4 years
Don't bother caring for what she thinks. And stop trying to change your boyfriend or your friend. Your friend is settled in her decision to dislike your boyfriend. If she wants to go ahead and apologize to your boyfriend, well...that's the only thing that could clear the air. Otherwise, just let them be. Your friends don't have to be his friends, and vice versa. Furthermore, people generally don't like being around people they know don't like them. Of course, you like your friend, even though she never had the cajones to tell you beforehand that she never liked your bf. Word to the wise, she was either lying then, when you thought she liked him, or she is lying now, when she tells you she doesn't like him. Friends try to console their heartbroken friends by telling them what they think they want to hear. She may have thought you wanted encouragement for why you should get over him. That would make it dishonest. Sorry if that's a lot of info for one post, but it's up to you to sift through it and figure out what to do w/it.
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