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Best Friends With Ex-Boyfriend

Group Therapy: Dating a Guy Who's Obsessed With My Ex/Best Friend

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I just started seeing a new guy (seriously — we've only been seeing each other for a week). He's great: smart, sexy, with an admirable career and a killer sense of humor. One thing has begun to bother me, though. On our date last night, and in several of the texts and e-mails we've exchanged over the last few days, he has asked several out-of-the-blue questions about my ex.

Full disclosure: my ex is my best friend, and we hang out all the time. There's no more sex between us, so there's nothing to worry about there. Still, I can't fully comprehend why this new guy keeps asking about what we do together (hang out), how our relationship works now (beautifully), what I bought my ex for his birthday (nothing), and if we did anything for Valentine's Day (nope).

Is this his way of sizing up the competition, or is he genuinely just curious? Of course, I'd love to flatter myself and think that it drives him crazy to think of another guy in my life, but it's still way too early for him to have developed those strong feelings. Right?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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chequettex chequettex 4 years
I'm not a guy, but my take on what a guy's perspective would be is this: when your new boyfriend thinks about girls -- especially ex-girlfriends-- that he would want to stay close friends with, the only reason he can think of to hang out with the girl a lot is because there's a possibility in the future for sex. Now, it's possible that your ex/guy friend doesn't think that way, but your new boyfriend is having a hard time grasping the concept.
gumdrops334 gumdrops334 4 years
I think it's very strange that your ex is your best friend. Anyone would be jealous and curious. It would make me very uncomfortable if my bf was BEST friends with his ex. He's protecting himself, and doesn't want to get hurt. The only way to avoid this with pretty much any guy would be to eliminate the ex/bestfriend situation. Sorry but it's true.
yumchums yumchums 4 years
How wud u feel if it was the you recieving. What r u still doing with ur x? Is there some unfinished business that u wud lyk to wrap up. Stop playing games if you want to keep ur x keep him and if u want to move on just move. U just friends, just hanging out hell noo..There is no such my dear...U might miss out while you busy fooling around. Watch it..
karlotta karlotta 4 years
I think it's normal too. I wouldn't be too defensive about it, because I'm quite sure that a majority of people would feel threatened by the ex/best friend situation and need some reassurance, especially not knowing you well yet. I would be kind and understanding and let him know that he's got nothing to worry about but that you get why he's peeved. Seriously, wouldn't you be? I can imagine the post from a girl in the reverse situation "my new boyfriend is best friends with his ex, and he's dismissive of my concerns!" - everyone here would tell her something fishy's going on. So be nice to him and reassure him as much as he needs while he builds his trust in you.
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 4 years
It just sounds as if he's trying to see if you're a good candidate for a trusting relationship. No biggie. I think it's natural for him to be curious about the relationship you have with your ex since the two of you are still close. He doesn't sound jealous or obsessed from what you described, just curious about your stability and availability (as Helen Danger said).
testadura67 testadura67 4 years
Those questions aren't that invasive. It sounds like he's trying to get a feel for your relationship with your ex which is completely natural. Be honest, in general, exes don't stay the best of friends, so of course he's curious. When he starts asking you to compare their sexual peformances, that's when you need to worry.
Tabloid Tabloid 4 years
I couldn't agree more with Anonymous. Come on... I would probably do the same as him. Oh! and btw, his questions doesn't sound to much like I-wanna-know-everything-about-your-ex. I don't think he's jealous nor obsess. But then again, it's to early to predict it. Although, I do believe he want to make sure before going further with you.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 4 years
You're just being vetted for stability and availability. It isn't realistic to expect everyone to understand your friendship with your ex right away. Most relationships don't end that well.
lickety-split lickety-split 4 years
He doesn't want to get burned. Maybe double date w/ your x and néw guy.
CCLn CCLn 4 years
Sounds like curiosity to me, not obsessed. He probably hasn't mastered the subtle method of asking or you're just overblowing it. If you hang out all the time with your best friend/ex as you put it, in the past week or so, your new dude probably notices (and I'm sure you're not hiding your ex from him) so he's bound to wonder and will gather as much info before he emotionally invests too much into a high maintenance relationship with a girl and her ex. You have free rein to ask him about his past relationships too if you like, you never know, he may have been in a high maintenance relationship with his ex and his ex's bf so he's not in a hurry to have another one similar to it.
looseseal looseseal 4 years
From the posted story, it doesn't sound like the new guy sat her down for some kind of serious "we need to talk" talk. He just asked a few questions here and there, it's a reasonable enough thing for him to do. If you're just starting to date a guy who is extremely close to some girl you don't know, wouldn't you want to be a little more cautious and try to figure out what's going on before getting in too deep? Because in a situation like that, for all you know you could be getting played. New guy is in an awkward position here. On the one hand, he doesn't want to give a bad impression to this girl he just met that he thinks he likes, but on the other hand, he really doesn't want to be potentially roped into some kind of messy triangle. He can either ask these awkward questions or decide you're not worth the hassle and forget about you. Even with nothing sexual going on between you an your ex, there's still a deep emotional bond. So if new guy gets serious with you, he might just be getting half of you - your physical half, not your emotional half. Maybe that's how he perceives the thing with you and your ex, and I wouldn't blame him if he feels this way. I know the stereotype is that guys only care about sex, but come on, that's not fair. Wouldn't it bug you if the person you're interested in already seems to be "soulmates" with someone else? It's not out of the question that this kind of emotional bond can bother guys, too.
aliciatx aliciatx 4 years
I think it's sorta normal, maybe he could be a little more subtle about it, but it sounds like he is just trying to figure out the situation w/ ur ex & if he should trust you.
searching-soul searching-soul 4 years
If he's been crushing on you for a while, ( before you started dating) I think it's normal to inquire about the nature of your relationship with another guy who is so close to you. It's called being self protective before you get in too deeply. For example, If you just started to date a guy you knew you could really start to like and he was best friends with, let's say, a really hot girl-you would be curious to know more about her. It's human nature. It does not necessarily mean that you are jealous. If you guys start seeing each other long enough then he will naturally become more secure about the two of you and the interest in your friend will fade into the background. Or perhaps they'll hit it off if they meet later on. Don't write him off just yet. Give things time to develop and unfold. When he brings up your friend, answer nicely but briefly and bring the conversation back to focusing on the two of you.
Hiding55 Hiding55 4 years
I think jealousy this early in a relationship is cause for concern. He should at least be hiding it better. Having to sit down and have a talk one week in would be a red flag for me. Proceed with caution. I don't see it as flattering, I see it as creepy.
Pauladeanliveshere Pauladeanliveshere 4 years
It all sounds quite weird to me. It def seems as if he is very jealous about your ex, who is now your best friend. He likely wants to find out whether or not he can trust you and what sort of relationship you have with your ex. The fact that you have only been seeing this guy for one week though seems a bit off. I think the questions he is asking right now are normal- he likely wants to know if he should bother getting into a dating relationship with you.
BiWife BiWife 4 years
Even if it's early in the relationship, it's totally natural for any beau to wonder/worry about your ex being your best friend.
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