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Group Therapy: Should I Wait For Our Next Fight to Dump Him?

This question comes from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I've made up my mind that I want to break up with my boyfriend (been together 3 years and have a small child together).

First issue is I don't know how to do it! I am so terrified that I will hurt him so badly and that he will kick me out then and there, and maybe even try and take our son. I keep thinking I should wait until the next big argument as we have them every so often, to drop the bomb on him, make it more of an angry, "this is why" kinda thing. Rather than sitting him down out of the blue and painfully stating the reasons. Ugh, I need to do it I just haven't the guts.

I feel awful that I'm waiting for our next row! What's better? It needs to happen either way. I have only ever been in one relationship and that's with him, I've never dreamed I'd feel this way but I do and now I just don't know if I can actually take the steps to leave him.

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dikke-kus dikke-kus 5 years
Spacekatgal, I have read your profile which is that you are young, single, and not sure if you ever want children. I hope people know your profile and age and experiences before they decide to take your opinion. By the way I do have a small boy and I am happily married so I hope the above posts takes that into account. I don't defend slim balls who smoke in front of their children. Maybe you can say that's OK for you when you get married and have children - after all its just a little weed according to you? Why don't you dry up and blow away?
dikke-kus dikke-kus 5 years
AimeeO i hope you figured things out! Good luck to you and your little boy. I hope you went to your moms after all. Best wishes for a happy life.
weffie weffie 5 years
Regardless of what happens with this boyfriend, please please please do yourself, your kid, and the world a favor by getting on birth control asap.
annbaby annbaby 5 years
I agree with kurnia!But you should definitely have the respect to tell him and be honest about it, no matter what kind of creep he is. If anything, be honest because this guy is not worth lies coming out of your mouth.I think you should drop your child off with your mom or friend for an afternoon, go home and tell your guy that you need to have a talk with him. If he's abusive, tell your friends/mom what you are going to do, and have them wait outside the house and tell them you will be out in 10 minutes.If you are not, have them call the cops.And tell you guy this if he begins to get aggressive.Tell him your friend/mom is waiting to call the cops right outside.And then, very clearly tell him that your relationship is not working out. Don't be cruel, but be honest and direct.Once you've said what you need to, turn around and leave. Don't stay because he begs and don't try to save his feelings; you can't.
annbaby annbaby 5 years
I agree with kurnia! But you should definitely have the respect to tell him and be honest about it, no matter what kind of creep he is. If anything, be honest because this guy is not worth lies coming out of your mouth. I think you should drop your child off with your mom or friend for an afternoon, go home and tell your guy that you need to have a talk with him. If he's abusive, tell your friends/mom what you are going to do, and have them wait outside the house and tell them you will be out in 10 minutes. If you are not, have them call the cops. And tell you guy this if he begins to get aggressive. Tell him your friend/mom is waiting to call the cops right outside. And then, very clearly tell him that your relationship is not working out. Don't be cruel, but be honest and direct. Once you've said what you need to, turn around and leave. Don't stay because he begs and don't try to save his feelings; you can't.
sahieszhya sahieszhya 5 years
OMG :) let us know how you get on girl!best of luck! xx
sahieszhya sahieszhya 5 years
OMG :) let us know how you get on girl! best of luck! xx
kurniakasih kurniakasih 5 years
aimeeO. I hope for the best for you and your child. I hope you'll pull through this (I have a friend who was a single mom and her ex was just..oh..it was rather messy). But you know what, you'll make it just fine, lean on your family and friends (that's what my friend did and it served her well although it was never easy). She's now almost done with her degree while she just got a raise and another promotion in the company she's worked for (for a decade or so), she started out there from the bottom up, btw. And she just closed on her very first house too--amazing right, while many people are having financial problem, she manages to buy her first house. She was just like you with her ex but it didn't get her down, she kept going. And her new man also just proposed :) so things are awesome for her. I'm sharing my friend's story to let you know that everything is possible although it must be scary to feel the way you feel and being in your position. Life will get better for you, it might take a while, but it will.Good luck.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 5 years
aimeeO. I hope for the best for you and your child. I hope you'll pull through this (I have a friend who was a single mom and her ex was just..oh..it was rather messy). But you know what, you'll make it just fine, lean on your family and friends (that's what my friend did and it served her well although it was never easy). She's now almost done with her degree while she just got a raise and another promotion in the company she's worked for (for a decade or so), she started out there from the bottom up, btw. And she just closed on her very first house too--amazing right, while many people are having financial problem, she manages to buy her first house. She was just like you with her ex but it didn't get her down, she kept going. And her new man also just proposed :) so things are awesome for her. I'm sharing my friend's story to let you know that everything is possible although it must be scary to feel the way you feel and being in your position. Life will get better for you, it might take a while, but it will. Good luck.
aimeeO aimeeO 5 years
@kurniakasih i could kiss you right now!it just really made me think, yeah, i can do this, its going to kill me, but then set me free. I have been worrying and worrying about this for days and nights now, just thinking omg i want to leave so badly but cant do it, its been keeping me awake at night and vacant through the day, i actually have a feeling, he has a feeling something is about to go down, i dont know if thats a good thing or a bad thing. i hope he doesnt think im having an online affair the amount of times ive been on here waiting for a comment HAHAHAHAHAI do think i can, your idea about having my mum there, she would definantly do that, i will have to pull the strength out of my arse to speak those words, but it has to be done. i will never ever enter a relationship so quickly again, im not going to settle untill i have found the man of my dreams, and if i dont find him then i dont care, being alone is golden compared to an unhealthy relationship like mine. i am still young, i was a child when he met me, it was wrong, i do know that now. thanks for all the support, its amazing how an outsiders opinion can really ring true. thanks heaps x aimeeO
aimeeO aimeeO 5 years
@kurniakasih i could kiss you right now! it just really made me think, yeah, i can do this, its going to kill me, but then set me free. I have been worrying and worrying about this for days and nights now, just thinking omg i want to leave so badly but cant do it, its been keeping me awake at night and vacant through the day, i actually have a feeling, he has a feeling something is about to go down, i dont know if thats a good thing or a bad thing. i hope he doesnt think im having an online affair the amount of times ive been on here waiting for a comment HAHAHAHAHA I do think i can, your idea about having my mum there, she would definantly do that, i will have to pull the strength out of my arse to speak those words, but it has to be done. i will never ever enter a relationship so quickly again, im not going to settle untill i have found the man of my dreams, and if i dont find him then i dont care, being alone is golden compared to an unhealthy relationship like mine. i am still young, i was a child when he met me, it was wrong, i do know that now. thanks for all the support, its amazing how an outsiders opinion can really ring true. thanks heaps x aimeeO
kurniakasih kurniakasih 5 years
I remember you, just a few posts ago. aimeeO. Isn't he the guy who started dating you when you're 16 and he's 27...I forgot to add on the other post, that's just wrong, dude. You're still a child when he basically asked you out and um, he's cheated on you 3 times too, you claimed...oh man, that's definitely not the type of man I would ever want to share a child with. But I digress. I guess I should..understand since you were a kid and haven't quite grown up yet to make adult decision when you become a mother. Well, my suggestion is tell your mom (since you claim you're close to her) of your decision and ask her if it's ok if you and Ryan live with her temporarily (or until you get back on your feet). Request her help because you want to be independent, have your own life eventually, thank her for understanding. Set a date and time when she can come and pick you guys up (better make it soon since you've made up your mind). Pack up what you can (well all of the little stuffs you happen to have), in regards of your things and Ryan's. If your bf is rather hostile/abusive/violent in nature, you may want to have your mother around (perhaps waiting in the car or on the way over there to pick you up) while you tell him it's over and how you've made up your mind. How do you say it, well, one suggestion is to tell him that you care about him and hope that he'll be in Ryan's life as his father and co-parent with you, but you don't think you guys work out as a couple anymore, it's over between the two of you and how you've been very unhappy in the relationship. Tell him that you're going to go with Ryan to stay at your mom's, and he's welcome to come and visit you guys. You don't have to go into deep explanation about why it's done for, but just make your point across that you're not happy and you're leaving.I don't know where you are (US? Aus? UK? etc?), but since you're a stay-at-home mother, I think you have more chance to have the baby with you and he can't take him away unless you're proven to be legally incapable of taking care of the baby (i.e. you're a drug addict). And he's working, so you, the birth mother who's capable to take care of the baby will have to come with you. If he turns abusive/physically intimidating, you may have to prepare your mom and yourself that you may have to call 911 (or whatever emergency number).Good luck.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 5 years
I remember you, just a few posts ago. aimeeO. Isn't he the guy who started dating you when you're 16 and he's 27...I forgot to add on the other post, that's just wrong, dude. You're still a child when he basically asked you out and um, he's cheated on you 3 times too, you claimed...oh man, that's definitely not the type of man I would ever want to share a child with. But I digress. I guess I should..understand since you were a kid and haven't quite grown up yet to make adult decision when you become a mother. Well, my suggestion is tell your mom (since you claim you're close to her) of your decision and ask her if it's ok if you and Ryan live with her temporarily (or until you get back on your feet). Request her help because you want to be independent, have your own life eventually, thank her for understanding. Set a date and time when she can come and pick you guys up (better make it soon since you've made up your mind). Pack up what you can (well all of the little stuffs you happen to have), in regards of your things and Ryan's. If your bf is rather hostile/abusive/violent in nature, you may want to have your mother around (perhaps waiting in the car or on the way over there to pick you up) while you tell him it's over and how you've made up your mind. How do you say it, well, one suggestion is to tell him that you care about him and hope that he'll be in Ryan's life as his father and co-parent with you, but you don't think you guys work out as a couple anymore, it's over between the two of you and how you've been very unhappy in the relationship. Tell him that you're going to go with Ryan to stay at your mom's, and he's welcome to come and visit you guys. You don't have to go into deep explanation about why it's done for, but just make your point across that you're not happy and you're leaving. I don't know where you are (US? Aus? UK? etc?), but since you're a stay-at-home mother, I think you have more chance to have the baby with you and he can't take him away unless you're proven to be legally incapable of taking care of the baby (i.e. you're a drug addict). And he's working, so you, the birth mother who's capable to take care of the baby will have to come with you. If he turns abusive/physically intimidating, you may have to prepare your mom and yourself that you may have to call 911 (or whatever emergency number). Good luck.
aimeeO aimeeO 5 years
wow, lol, no i am dead set decided on this. i need to figure out how to do it, but the longer i dwell on the best way to break his heart the harder it will be for me to actually do it and go there and say it, i know i will over analyse evrything, play out scenarios in my head, stress and fret about it, feel guilty. ive told myself i was going to end things before ,i chicken out, i get the perfect opportunity and i have no words, i look like a mess, like ive done something wrong!
aimeeO aimeeO 5 years
Good things about him: he goes to work and pays half our bills.he loves me and ryanhe takes us out to do little family things together which i do lovehe sometimes gets a little tear in his eye when he talks about me and ryan in a good way or when he says he loves ushe is handy with cars, e.t.che would never physically hurt me or anyone else for that matterbad things: he smokes marijuana flat outhe doesnt want to move!!!! he sometimes yells and swears at me, sometimes in front of ryanhe puts me down sometimeshe puts his mates before us, he will drop our plans if he gets invited out with his mateshe spends all his 'spare' money on motor bikes instead of things like clothes for his sonhe bags my family out all the time, i think he actually hates my mother and im very close to herhe doesnt appreaciate what i do, if he does he never says anything,he doesnt kiss me with any passion, its always just a quick peck.sex with him is boring, all about him, quicker than a microwave meal !!!he never tries to organise a sitter so we can go out together its always me who has to even if im asking HIS familyhe hates confrontation, never talks to me about his/ours/my probelms, he just hates having those talks sometimes he wont even hear me out, he will either get so frustrated and yell and walk away, or turn it back onto me and always has the last say!!!! he can never b wrong!he doesnt tell me he loves me in front of his matesive never been bought flowersive been given a ring but i asked him for it and he did nothing special in giving it to mei dont get sleep ins even when he can clearly see im in dire need of one and he isnt. he will just lay awake in bed while i get up to our son to make a point that because he works he shouldnt have to do ANYTHING else! ugh
aimeeO aimeeO 5 years
Good things about him: he goes to work and pays half our bills. he loves me and ryan he takes us out to do little family things together which i do love he sometimes gets a little tear in his eye when he talks about me and ryan in a good way or when he says he loves us he is handy with cars, e.t.c he would never physically hurt me or anyone else for that matter bad things: he smokes marijuana flat out he doesnt want to move!!!! he sometimes yells and swears at me, sometimes in front of ryan he puts me down sometimes he puts his mates before us, he will drop our plans if he gets invited out with his mates he spends all his 'spare' money on motor bikes instead of things like clothes for his son he bags my family out all the time, i think he actually hates my mother and im very close to her he doesnt appreaciate what i do, if he does he never says anything, he doesnt kiss me with any passion, its always just a quick peck. sex with him is boring, all about him, quicker than a microwave meal !!! he never tries to organise a sitter so we can go out together its always me who has to even if im asking HIS family he hates confrontation, never talks to me about his/ours/my probelms, he just hates having those talks sometimes he wont even hear me out, he will either get so frustrated and yell and walk away, or turn it back onto me and always has the last say!!!! he can never b wrong! he doesnt tell me he loves me in front of his mates ive never been bought flowers ive been given a ring but i asked him for it and he did nothing special in giving it to me i dont get sleep ins even when he can clearly see im in dire need of one and he isnt. he will just lay awake in bed while i get up to our son to make a point that because he works he shouldnt have to do ANYTHING else! ugh
aimeeO aimeeO 5 years
i have got family to stay with yes. but i have no job, no money saved up, no licence, no car, barely anything in this house is mine to take with me.the hardest part is i feel guilty, if i leave him he will have nothing, he will probably loose his job and sink further and further into the crap he does and then i worry about him having our son after ive done this to him. i cant help but feel like i should suck it up and try and fix and change things, but i have been there and done that, he willl never change in the face of pressure from me. maybe i do need to do this, move out with my boy, be independant for once and then see how i really feel about him, chances are i will be loving it!!!
aimeeO aimeeO 5 years
i have got family to stay with yes. but i have no job, no money saved up, no licence, no car, barely anything in this house is mine to take with me. the hardest part is i feel guilty, if i leave him he will have nothing, he will probably loose his job and sink further and further into the crap he does and then i worry about him having our son after ive done this to him. i cant help but feel like i should suck it up and try and fix and change things, but i have been there and done that, he willl never change in the face of pressure from me. maybe i do need to do this, move out with my boy, be independant for once and then see how i really feel about him, chances are i will be loving it!!!
dikke-kus dikke-kus 5 years
Yeesh. This boyfriend of yours gives me the creeps. Do you have family who could take you in for a while? Friends? Why bother telling him your leaving? He's not a husband, he's not even a boyfriend anymore. He's a drug user and a roommate. If you did tell him you might wind up in tomorrows paper as a murder victim. If your not married, and he's doing drugs in front of your son you have the right to leave. If you left tomorrow, packed your bags and took your son with you there's nothing stopping you from doing that. I don't know the law but I guarantee he can't take your son away. If you really wanted to you could also press charges against him for his creepy behavior and his illegal drug use and go to protect your son. Make a really good plan for a couple weeks but why stay?
aimeeO aimeeO 5 years
ok your right i need to sit down with him and be an adult about it. I want to break up with him because he doesnt want the same things i want, where we live is a huge issue and i've exauhsted every opportunity to get him to move, its just not going to happen. he has no ambition in life, he smokes marijuana flat out and has done since he was in his teens aparantly. he makes me feel as though my needs are not important, or not as important. he flips out at me all the time, yelling swearing, even in front of our son. he would never physically hurt either of us but it still hurts as bad. i have had "breaks" and i have asked him to come to couples therapy but nothing, he just doesnt put any effort it, never has, if i want to talk to him about an issue were having i'll try sit down with him but he gets all uncomfortable and just yells and walks off or trys to flip it back onto me and always has the last say!!! right now things arnt so bad but a few days ago i listened to these diary recordings i hate made and i just sounded so tired and beaten down, hopeless and insecure, thats how he makes me feel. i do love him and i know he loves me but honestly he very rarely shows it, he wont kiss me, make me climax, buy my flowers, take me out,
aimeeO aimeeO 5 years
ok your right i need to sit down with him and be an adult about it. I want to break up with him because he doesnt want the same things i want, where we live is a huge issue and i've exauhsted every opportunity to get him to move, its just not going to happen. he has no ambition in life, he smokes marijuana flat out and has done since he was in his teens aparantly. he makes me feel as though my needs are not important, or not as important. he flips out at me all the time, yelling swearing, even in front of our son. he would never physically hurt either of us but it still hurts as bad. i have had "breaks" and i have asked him to come to couples therapy but nothing, he just doesnt put any effort it, never has, if i want to talk to him about an issue were having i'll try sit down with him but he gets all uncomfortable and just yells and walks off or trys to flip it back onto me and always has the last say!!! right now things arnt so bad but a few days ago i listened to these diary recordings i hate made and i just sounded so tired and beaten down, hopeless and insecure, thats how he makes me feel. i do love him and i know he loves me but honestly he very rarely shows it, he wont kiss me, make me climax, buy my flowers, take me out,
Gdeeaz Gdeeaz 5 years
Don't wait till you have another fight. You have a child with this man and you want to keep things between the two of you as friendly as possible. Ending a relationship with a huge fight is a bad idea. You are a grown woman, so act like one. Sit down with him and have a serious conversation.
almondflavor almondflavor 5 years
Could you give us a bit more information as to WHY you're breaking up with him. I guess if you've really made your mind up, it won't matter, but considering that you have a young son together, is it possible you could work out your issues? There are certain things that are clearly inexcusable (such as domestic violence, cheating, chronic drug abuse, etc) but what if your issues are fixable through improved communication? If you still feel like you'd rather break up with him, I think you should do it at a time when you are NOT fighting or having an argument. I've made this mistake in past relationships and my ex would say "Oh, you're not serious about breaking up! You're just mad at me." I think it would be a good idea to speak to him when things are just "normal" and that way he won't accuse you of being overly emotional or dramatic (of course I have no idea what your communication styles are but I tend to be a huge drama queen when I get into fights with my boyfriend). Anyway, good luck, whatever you decide to do!
sarah_bellum sarah_bellum 5 years
All I'm going to say is this: I've had a guy do the same thing to me that you're wanting to do to him... decide it's over, string the other person along until there's a small disagreement (usually started by the person who wants out), blow it completely out of proportion, and claim that the relationship should end because of that.It's cowardly, immature, more obvious then you think, and it makes things so much more painful for the other person when they realize what's been going on down the road. You should feel bad for choosing this as your escape route. Sit down with him and have a conversation like an adult for God's sake. Things need to be kept civil for your child anyways, who by the way will suffer needlessly one way or the other because of the choices that have been/will be inflicted upon him by the both of you. Keep the damage to a minimum for now at least.
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